All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, Cutler uses his trademark quality of “not caring” to turn himself into one of the best comedic characters of 2018. Because it’s obviously completely necessary, from here on out we will be checking in on Jay Cutler’s non-antics on Very Cavallari, discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get to Week 7.
Jay Cutler, Chicken Father
Over the course of this season of Very Cavallari, Jay Cutler has: obsessively documented the lives of random deer, failed to keep about 10 fish alive, pet baby goats who were contracted to poop on his lawn, given commands to German shepherds in actual German, and lost a battle of quickness to a rooster. Now, it appears that Jay Cutler is fathering a host of baby chickens:
I believe there are four of them; I do not know their names, but considering Jay once named a deer Dale, I’m going to guess the chickens’ names are Mark, Justin, Tom, and Josh McDaniels. The chicks appear to be living in Jay’s garage–work space; he has seemingly constructed a makeshift coop out of yellow plastic siding and rigged a heat lamp overhead by attaching it to an opened ladder.
In the previous episode when Kristin was talking about buying some chickens, I thought she meant full-grown ones, but no—they’re straight up raising these things. Forgive me if I seem a little apprehensive about this. It’s just, you know, so many fish have died due to Jay Cutler’s negligence. “I don’t think anyone feeds him,” Jay once said about his last-surviving fish. He also once told Kristin that all you have to do to take care of chickens is “water them.” I’m wholly concerned that Jay Cutler doesn’t realize that animals need food.
But let me try to be happy for the guy. He’s clearly an animal lover, even if his skills as a caregiver are somewhat lacking. Practice makes perfect, and maybe with the blood of so many innocent animals on his hands, Jay Cutler will now improve as a parent. Good luck in this world, Mark, Justin, Tom, and Josh. If you ever see Jay Cutler towering over you with a pitcher of water, know that he means well, but also: run.
Reminder: Jay Cutler Is the Most Reasonable Person in the Room
Enough jokes about Jay Cutler killing animals (even though he has); it’s time to put some respect on my guy’s name. Despite how Very Cavallari often depicts Jay Cutler as lazy and dumb, it must be said that most of the time he is shockingly perceptive and staggeringly correct. Remember the time Kristin was going to a house party hosted by one of her much-younger employees and Jay was like, “Uh, I don’t think the boss is supposed to do that”? That was an extremely correct take!
This happened again on Sunday night’s episode, when Kristin and Jay have Kristin’s friend Kelly and her boyfriend—who all season has been referred to as “the Canadian”—over for dinner. First, before the couple arrives, Kristin tells Jay to be “nice to the Canadian,” to which Jay responds, “Does he have a name? I feel like you should learn his name.” What a correct, astute response! Yes! Kristin should learn her best friend’s boyfriend’s name; she should stop calling a grown man a generic, geography-based nickname to his face.
“His name’s Matt. You should probably just call him ‘the Canadian,’” Kristin, a person who is wrong, replies. “I’m not calling him ‘the Canadian,’” Jay, a person who is once again right, says back.
After this exchange, the camera cuts to Kristin in a confessional interview saying, “I feel like Jay is my child.” Wait, what? Why?! Because he wants to be personable and respectful? Jay can be a big dummy, but I’m on his side here.
Fast-forward to after dinner, when Kelly and Matt had left and Kristin tells Jay that actually, Kelly doesn’t really like Matt. “I almost feel like that’s selfish,” Jay says, which makes Kristin roll her eyes. But then Jay Cutler elaborates: “I really do. You stalk him down, you get him to fly all the way here, and then all of the sudden you’re not into him? That’s a selfish move!” He does, like, a Wendy Williams–style flourish after saying all this, by the way:
Once again, JAY IS RIGHT. Kelly’s season-long flirtation with this guy—orchestrated almost entirely through Instagram private messages—has been weird, and it is extremely rude of her to now pull the plug so abruptly. Someone get Jay Cutler an advice column: The man is astonishingly rational and well-adjusted.
A History of Jay Cutler’s Love for Red Wine
What’s most shocking about all of the above is that Jay Cutler may have been absolutely hammered during that dinner. I’m no drink counter, but I was counting Jay’s drinks, and—on camera, at least—before dinner he has one glass of red wine and one tequila drink. (“Heart medicine,” Jay Cutler says to Kristin when she asks what he’s drinking.) Then, during dinner, he has at least two or three more glasses of wine. By the end, his eyes are barely open and his face is the color of the Arizona Cardinals logo:
But what’s important here is that this episode is a continued documentation of Jay Cutler’s unceasing love for red wine. Previously, we’ve seen Jay pour a glass of red wine big enough for him and Kristin to share. There was also the time that Kristin was looking to bring wine to a party as a housewarming gift and Jay repeatedly implored her to bring a bottle of white instead of red. This is what he looks like taking a sip of a nice pinot noir:
Nice. Relaxed. And this is what he looks like drinking any alcohol that is not red wine:
Jay Cutler, a true oenophile—as long as it’s red.
Dinner With Jay Cutler, in Two GIFs and Two Screenshots
Just to preface this last one, in the middle of dinner, Matt is talking about his cabin in Canada. “It’s about an hour north ...,” he explains, before Jay Cutler interrupts and says, “Fuck yeah, it is.” This is Jay’s face when he says that:
Jay Cutler’s Quote of the Week
I really wanted to give this award to Jay’s idea of small talk—“So Matt, what do ya do in ol’ Canada?”—but later in the dinner, he said something that is just oh so Jay Cutler. After Matt explains that Canadian firefighters often supplement their income by getting into construction or real estate, Jay offers up another option for what Matt could do when he’s not on shift: absolutely nothing. “I don’t really do anything,” Jay Cutler says. “It’s kinda fun sometimes.”
What a perfect line. “I don’t really do anything. It’s kinda fun sometimes” rivals Jay’s “I’m not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking to do the exact opposite of that” quote from the season premiere, while also acting as its spiritual follow-up. Jay started Very Cavallari looking to do nothing. Seven weeks later, he’s still on that journey. It sounds like it’s going pretty well.
Hell Yeah, Bro
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
Did Jay cook dinner for the Canadian? Did he do a good job? To answer those questions: Yes and, um, well …
The most incredible part about Jay Cutler accidentally lighting a kitchen towel on fire is that the cameraman was the first one to notice it. It’s really fun to imagine how long it would’ve taken Jay to realize he was holding a burning object had no one told him. You can easily picture him leaning leisurely and staring into space while his entire house goes up in flames.
The second most incredible part about Jay Cutler accidentally lighting a kitchen towel on fire is how nonchalant he is when finally does notice it. Look at him just slowly glance at the flame and give it a few apathetic blows. This is why he was a pretty good professional quarterback—he just does not care about anything. His hand could be nearly on fire—or a dangerously fast, 280-pound linebacker could be charging at him—and he’d just go about his business. You can’t rattle Jay Cutler, because Jay Cutler does not possess the ability to give a shit.
I’ll see you here next week for the season finale of Very Cavallari. It’s going to be really sad to say goodbye; on the bright side, at least Jay Cutler’s dressing up for the occasion.