All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, Cutler uses his trademark quality of “not caring” to turn himself into one of the best comedic characters of 2018. Because it’s obviously completely necessary, from here on out we will be checking in on Jay Cutler’s non-antics on Very Cavallari, discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get to Week 4.
Jay Cutler Needs a Tractor
Over lettuce cups (the recipe for which I’m sure you can find in Kristin’s cookbook and no I don’t think at all that that’s why she made them on camera), Jay decides it’s time to talk tractors:
“I … don’t care about a tractor,” Kristin says, which seems like a reasonable stance. “Well, we need a tractor,” Jay Cutler responds, in a tone that suggests that his acquiring a tractor was a foregone conclusion, which … yeah, that tracks. But then Jay — ever the trickster — reveals that there’s a reason he’s tractor shopping: “We’re moviiiing,” he says, while doing spirit fingers.
Congratulations to the Cutler-Cavallari family for their successful real estate endeavor (especially because it appears that Jay Cutler is quite the house flipper), but there are things I would like to address. First of all, “we’re moving” is at best a mediocre reason for buying a tractor. Does Jay Cutler not use moving vans when he moves? Is he just loading all of his stuff into a tractor and driving it down busy streets? Even if that’s not the case, I am going to believe it is because I need that image cemented in my mind. Secondly, this is how Jay Cutler tells his wife that they’re moving? “We need a tractor” is Cutlerese for “We just spent millions of dollars on a life-altering decision and now we’re going to need to uproot ourselves and our children completely”?
This makes me wonder how Jay braced for the subject of retiring from football. “We need these deer cams,” I imagine him saying before announcing, “I’m retiriiiing,” while doing the spirit fingers.
Jay Cutler’s Quote of the Week
There’s hella drama going on at Kristin’s store — which can’t be Kristin’s fault, even though she was born and raised on reality TV and is an expert at stoking drama — and over a big glass of red wine (that Kristin and Jay appear to be sharing?), she explains her fireworks-filled day to Jay. Jay’s response? “Just cut somebody’s head off.”
What a line. And what an incredible piece of advice! This from a man who approached the game of football with an unparalleled amount of apathy. I’m gonna need this on a T-shirt with a photo of Smokin’ Jay immediately.
Jay Cutler’s Fish: No Longer Thriving
In Episode 2, we were introduced to Jay Cutler’s fish, who were living in a small SpongeBob SquarePants fish tank and, according to Jay and no one but Jay, “thriving.” This no longer seems to be the case, because at least one fish is dead now. This poor guy is the last remaining fish in the tank:
In that second episode, Jay was using plural pronouns while talking about his fish: “They are thriving,” he said; not “he is thriving.” The only conclusions we can draw, then, is that at least one fish has died (probably more) and that at no point were any fish thriving. So to recap based on everything we know from the second episode and this most recent episode: Jay had five fish; those five fish all died; Jay then bought more fish, probably at least five; all but one of those fish died. Jay has been responsible for the deaths of almost 10 fish.
“He’s a survivor,” Jay Cutler says about the one fish toiling away in a glass box of fish-hell. “I don’t think anyone feeds him and he’s still living!” Jay! Jay, Jay, Jay. Let me go through this slowly: You gotta feed your fish. That’s why they’re dying. Pets need food. Or else they’ll starve and die. I’m beginning to worry about Jay Cutler’s abilities as an animal owner — especially because right before this conversation about the fish, Jay told Kristin that all you have to do to take care of chickens is “water them.”
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
It was a pretty Jay-light episode of Very Cavallari — the aforementioned drama at Uncommon James took up a ton of time, and the episode also focused on Kristin’s friend’s first sexual experience with a man known only as “The Canadian.” Perhaps sensing that he was losing screen time, Jay Cutler decided to pop into Kristin’s store right in the middle of her interviewing potential employees. In a ridiculous denim jacket with an aggressively popped collar, he made this face:
“What are you doing?” Kristin sternly asks, which is an appropriate way to respond to your husband if he ever shows up in the middle of one of your meetings all squinty-eyed. “I’m just wasting time until I can pick up the boys,” Jay responds. We soon after find out that it’s 1:20 p.m. Assuming Jay woke up around 7 a.m. and brought his kids to school — and then returned to the house by about 8 a.m. — that means Retired Jay Cutler ran out of things to do in less than five hours. Maybe he should’ve used some of that free time to feed the fish.
I’ll see you next week, which looks like a really good episode full of Jay Cutler berating the Uncommon James employees and Kristin talking about how Jay Cutler knows how to do oral sex now.