All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show Very Cavallari, Cutler’s using his trademark quality of “not caring” to turn himself into one of the best comedic characters of 2018. Because it’s obviously completely necessary, from here on out we will be checking in on Jay Cutler’s non-antics on Very Cavallari, discussing his highlights and lowlights, his best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get to Week 2.
Jay Cutler Got a Haircut!
Jay’s looking fresh as hell in the first scene of the second episode of Very Cavallari. “I got a haircut,” he proudly tells Kristin, who too quickly responds, “That’s a big day, I feel like, for you.” She was making fun of the fact that he’s doing literally nothing in his retirement, but I earnestly think she’s right—this is the best Jay Cutler’s hair has ever looked! That’s MVP lettuce right there.
Not that it even matters: We never see this hair again because Jay wears up to four different Carhartt winter hats for the rest of the episode. (Reminder: They live in Nashville, not Nova Scotia.)
A Checkup on Jay Cutler’s Deer Friends
In the premiere of Very Cavallari, Kristin explained that Jay has been spending most of his free time watching deer cams. “It’s like live feeds of deer eating out of a deer feeder, not even on our property,” she says, sounding as if she too is confused about how a girl from Laguna Beach ever ended up saying that sentence. Anyway, in the second episode, Jay is hanging out in the kitchen, intensely looking at an iPad:
My first thought upon seeing this was, “Why does Jay Cutler have so many memory cards?”
Traffic cones and memory cards—two things Jay Cutler inexplicably collects. Or maybe there is an explanation; maybe he just has a ridiculously large database of deer pics.
Last week I complained about E! refusing to show us Jay Cutler watching deer cams; this week I am thanking the god of lazy men for making my wish come true. “Ooh, look at this cat,” Jay Cutler says to his wife, who doesn’t care. “He’s wide.” And then Jay Cutler says to no one in particular, “I’m just happy to see anybody but Dale on camera.”
So … I have some questions. First of all, “Dale?” Jay Cutler named a deer? A deer that, per Kristin, has never even stepped foot on his property? Why Dale? And what are the names of the other strange deer? But most importantly, why does Jay Cutler not want to see Dale on camera? What does that mean? Is he enemies with Dale, and so seeing him living it up at a feeder would inspire anger? Or is he best friends with Dale, and so seeing Dale at the feeder would make him sad because it’d be confirmation that Dale is still living off food provided by humans and therefore not truly wild? Jay Cutler, PLEASE EXPLAIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DALE BY THE END OF THIS SEASON.
Jay Cutler’s Quote of the Week
Before Kristin heads off to boot camp, which she says is one of the hardest workouts she’s ever done, Jay Cutler puts her in her place: “I think our levels of what’s hard are a little different.” Jay Cutler said this; the man who gets cigarettes Photoshopped into his mouth on a daily basis said this. I guess I never realized what a fitness fanatic Jay Cutler was while he was in the NFL. Cut me some slack, though. I was just taking Jay Cutler at his word when he said things like, “The good thing is I play quarterback so I don’t have to be in that great cardiovascular shape.”
Dinner With Jay Cutler, in Four GIFs
The History of Jay Cutler’s Fish, As Told by Jay Cutler
Clearly a lover of all animals, Jay Cutler also owns a fish tank. It is SpongeBob SquarePants–themed:
Depending on who you ask, this fish tank is either a beautiful eden or a fish graveyard. “What do you mean? Those fish are thriving,” Jay says when Kristin ponders what Jay will do with the tank when all of the fish in it die. (She says this in a tone that suggests she thinks the possibility of death is a foregone conclusion.) To “back up his stance” (you’ll see in a second why I’m using sarcastic air quotes), Jay shoots a little history lesson Kristin’s way. “You’ve probably spent, maybe, two seconds looking at that fish tank,” he rebukes. “Do you know how many fish are in there? Well, we had five at one point—all five of those expired.” Jay! I thought this was a conversation about how good you are at keeping fish alive!
“So you already got replacements?” Kristin asks.
“Yep,” Jay says, “and they are thriving. They love their life.”
Enjoy that pineapple under the sea, little fishies. If I had to guess, you don’t have much more time.
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
Kristin is finally moving her company’s operations out of their home and into an actual store. The good news for Jay is that this means no one will be parking on his lawn anymore. The bad news is it means he has to do manual labor. That brings us to the Most Jay Cutler Thing Jay Cutler did on this week’s Very Cavallari, his reaction to Kristin asking him to help move boxes:
Clearly, Kristin did not hear Jay Cutler last week when he said, “I’m not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking to do the exact opposite of that.”