All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, Cutler uses his trademark quality of “not caring” to turn himself into one of the best comedic characters of 2018. Because it’s obviously completely necessary, from here on out we will be checking in on Jay Cutler’s non-antics on Very Cavallari, discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get to Week 6.
Scream This From the Rafters
I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. I whisper it to myself before I go to bed every night—with just as much profanity.
Don’t Give Jay Cutler Your Hungover Sob Stories
As was previewed in last week’s episode, this week Kristin took the staff of Uncommon James to Florida for a pre-store-opening team-bonding vacation. There are some things relating to this excursion that I would like to quickly cover:
1. Just a reminder that Jay Cutler—who owns half of Uncommon James because he and Kristin do not have a prenuptial agreement, a fact he continues to remind her of—did not approve of this trip for financial reasons. Make fun of Jay all you want, but don’t test his capabilities as a fiduciary officer—the man’s got his money right.
2. In the previous episode, when Kristin and Co. were deciding where to hold the retreat, Reagan suggested Miami, and store employee Wirth—who is an absurdly wealthy trust fund baby who looks like a Hollister model on steroids—responded by saying, “I have a house down there.” Fast forward to this episode when everyone boards a plane to Destin, Florida, a place that is very much not Miami. Miami is the home of Art Basel; Destin is basically the home of Floribama Shore. These two places are barely even in the same state:
Just needed to get that off my chest.
3. The fact that most of “Beach, Please” took place on the Gulf Coast of Florida meant that, sadly, it was extremely lacking in Jay Cutler content.
But OK, onto the few shreds of tremendous Cutlerisms. During her first night in Destin, Kristin Cavallari drinks enough tequila to kill Ray Liotta. Extremely hungover the next morning, she FaceTimes her husband, clearly fishing for some sympathy. But she went looking in the wrong place—first, he answers the call by laughing in her face. Then, when she says “I feel awful,” he gives the most I-couldn’t-feel-less-sorry-for-you response in the history of responses:
The only way this response could’ve been better is if Jay cut Kristin off and yelled “DOOOOON’T CAAAAAAARE.”
Jay Cutler’s Quote of the Week
One other great thing happened during this phone call: Kristin asked Jay where the kids were.
“One’s at school,” he begins. (OK, all good.) “One’s sleeping,” he continues. (Nice, sounds normal.) Then he says, “I don’t know where the other one’s at.” What?! You don’t know?! You absolutely should! Also, “the other one”?! Jay! Can we be sure that you know the names of your children? This is exactly what happened with the fish: You had five of ’em all happy in a tank and then they all died and you were like, “I don’t know where the fishes are at.” I know it’s hard and doing so means you can’t “literally do nothing,” but you should know where your kids are.
Here’s to hoping the missing Cutler kid has since been located.
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
Toward the end of the episode, Jay Cutler and Kristin walk their dogs down their ridiculously long driveway to get the mail. Jay gets “some deer-hunting thing,” to which he responds, “Ooh, perfect”—but that’s not the point. During the walk, Jay turns all romantic and suggests he and Kristin go on a daytime date. What does he have in mind? A trip to the spa, maybe? To a nice winery, or to a park for a sweet little picnic? LOL, no: “We could go out to ol’ Bloomsbury Farms [and] get some chickens,” he says. Right, sure, OK—“Get some chickens” was next on my list of “romantic things to do with a woman.”
Anyway, Kristin is into the idea, which is great, because it gives us a chance to see Jay Cutler attempt to catch a chicken:
It may not come as a surprise to you that Jay Cutler—a man you’d probably never characterize as “spry”—could not catch the chicken. He gives it a good effort, maybe comes close to tearing an MCL, but the chicken’s quickness is insurmountable.
Jay Cutler floundering around in the face of something far faster than him felt like a familiar sight to me, so then I googled “Jay Cutler bloopers” and guess what—this was not a first-time thing:
Well man, that’s kind of how it goes.
Join us next week, when Jay Cutler accidentally lights a kitchen towel on fire. (I’m not joking.)