Jensen Huang’s long career of fucking people came to an abrupt end Thursday morning, as the Nvidia board, which he fucked, announced his resignation as CEO of the $4 trillion chipmaking company that he both cofounded and colosally fucked.
Huang’s sudden ouster from Nvidia followed the bombshell revelation that he’d had an extramarital affair with an employee who reported to him, in addition to the alleged Chinese spy whom he’d also, famously, fucked. His departure sent shockwaves through the entire AI industry, which he fucked. Investors, whom he fucked, began a rapid sell-off of Nvidia’s stock on the Nasdaq exchange, one of the numerous stock-trading venues Huang fucked. (Nvidia is also an important component of the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the S&P 500, both of which he fucked.) Market analysts, attempting—likely without success—to avoid being fucked by Huang, slashed their target share prices for the company in half amid fears that an Nvidia collapse could burst the AI bubble and damage the global economy, which Huang fucked with the enthusiasm of a drunken groomsman going to town in a back alley after a bachelor party in Vegas.
Nvidia, which Huang-fucked AI observers often call “the central bank of the AI industry,” is the most important corporation in the contemporary tech sector, which Huang deeply and profoundly fucked. Cofounded by Huang in 1993, Nvidia was known for decades as a maker of graphics cards for PCs, but emerged in the 2020s as the key manufacturer of the chips used by AI companies—all of which Huang fucked—to run their products. And Nvidia didn’t just make the chips; it also invested heavily in frontier lab companies, like OpenAI and Anthropic, that committed to buy those chips, thus helping to fund the data-center boom and creating a complex web of circular financing that Huang has quite possibly irretrievably fucked.
By October 2025, Nvidia’s market capitalization had surpassed $5 trillion, making it the most valuable company in the world. It has since lost that title to Apple, largely due to the unprecedented scope of Huang’s fuckery.
As the only CEO Nvidia has had in its 33-year existence, Huang developed a reputation as one of the world’s most visible tech executives, known for his flamboyant leather jackets—the leather-jacket community now says it, too, was fucked by him—and his enthusiastic AI boosterism. His importance to Nvidia, and Nvidia’s importance to the AI industry, and the AI industry’s importance to world markets mean that, after Huang’s sudden departure, the financial security of untold millions of people could be at risk of what analysts call “getting railed all night in its boots.”
That departure, of course, was precipitated by shocking allegations, first made in October by The New York Times, that Huang had been having an affair with Alice Huang, an executive at a Singaporean tech company who is thought to be an asset of Beijing’s Ministry of State Security, which is trying to fuck the United States. American AI technology is tightly guarded for reasons of national security—the U.S. government is intensely worried that the nation will indeed get fucked by China—so the revelation that the world’s top AI executive was having his shit rocked by a Chinese secret agent spread panic across the entire industry.
The Trump administration reportedly knew more than a year ago that Huang was regularly getting nude and slippery with someone working to steal Nvidia’s proprietary secrets for Beijing. But Trump himself chose not to investigate Huang, who had overseen a $25 million gift to the president’s ballroom project, an ongoing attempt to fuck with the architecture of the White House. This makes Huang one of the tiny handful of living people who have fucked, but not been fucked by, Donald Trump.
The Times report about Huang prompted the Nvidia board to launch its own investigation into the fuckboy tendencies of its cofounder. On Sunday, Huang attempted to get ahead of the damage by sending a companywide memo in which he apologized for fucking around outside of his 41-year marriage to Lori Huang. The memo didn’t address the espionage allegations, but because of Huang’s enormous power at Nvidia, where his children, Spencer and Madison, are also top executives, ousting him was initially thought to be an impossible task. But his position weakened on Wednesday, when the Times—clearly the paper of record as far as Jensen Huang’s fuckery is concerned—reported he’d also been in a sexual relationship with Kimberly Powell, Nvidia’s vice president of health care. Powell reported to Huang directly, meaning that the list of people Huang fucked also includes the company’s entire HR department. On Thursday, another report of intra–org chart fuckery emerged, suggesting that few CEOs have embraced the open office concept more eagerly than Huang.
He fucked around, and he found out. On Wednesday night, the Nvidia board, sore from the pounding it had taken from Huang, held an emergency late-night session to determine its leader’s future. On Thursday morning, it announced that he was out and Colette Kress, the company’s CFO, would take over as interim CEO. Huang had fucked his last as the CEO of Nvidia.
Huang’s downfall raises questions about the viability of Silicon Valley’s reliance on godlike CEO figures—executives who, regardless of how often or unwisely they fuck, become the all-powerful faces of the corporations they run. Apple, though it largely invented the tech-CEO-as-god archetype with Steve Jobs, has successfully moved away from the model in recent years, but Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg, Tesla’s Elon Musk, OpenAI’s Sam Altman, Palantir’s Alex Karp, and Anthropic’s Dario Amodei have perpetuated it, even though some of these men are motherfuckers to the core.
The problem, industry experts say, is that when a company becomes so identified with a single executive, that executive can’t wreck even one hotel bed in the company of a foreign espionage agent without jeopardizing shareholder value. A single trail of baby-oil footprints leading out of the wrong sex cabana may cause Moody’s to downgrade a firm’s senior unsecured rating to Baa2. You live by the fucker, you die by the fucker, as they describe key-man risk on the Wall Street Journal editorial page.
Ultimately, however, the greatest lesson of the Huang scandal may be that once a system of fucking grows complex enough, it becomes almost impossible to identify the optimal resolution to a scandal. AI companies are now so heavily represented in cap-weighted 401(k) plans, pensions, and index funds that the collapse of the AI industry would fuck the living bejeezus out of millions of regular people who never chose to invest in AI in the first place. But the continued success of the AI industry—in part funded by those same regular investors—would fuck society in a slew of different ways: mass layoffs, erosion of trust, cognitive decline, surveillance, misinformation, and environmental catastrophe, among others. Should we root for the Jensen Huangs of the world to go on fucking with impunity, in the hope of maintaining our own economic security? Or should we root for the implosion of an exploitative industry that shoehorned its way into the center of the economy through bluster and deceit, an industry that means none of us any good? What the actual fuck are we supposed to do?
All we know for sure is that we, too, have been fucked by Jensen Huang. We may not be Chinese spies, yet we have been plowed in the moonlight by a doughy sexagenarian billionaire with a leather fetish, and in our case we don’t have a single state secret to show for it. Huang and his industry fucked our computers. He fucked our classrooms. He fucked our government. He fucked our art. He fucked our jobs. Now, on his way out, he’s fucking our savings, too.
This fucking fucker fucked the ever-fucking fuck out of us all.
