What do you mean, you’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name? You had an opportunity to name a horse and just didn’t? That’s super messed up. You could’ve named it something cool, like Nectar or D’Brickashaw or Drew Carey. Honestly, you mean to tell me you rode through an entire desert, nothing to do but think, and didn’t vacate the sand with a handle for the animal doing all the work? Skill issue, as far as I’m concerned. Loser behavior. America can kiss my ass.
I know almost nothing about horse racing. I know about Secretariat. I know about Seabiscuit. I know about Seabiscuit. I know about Mystik Dan and American Pharoah and Big Brown. I know that jockeys wear wildly patterned Technicolor silks. I know people bet on it. Beyond that, my horse racing knowledge is extremely limited. I cannot tell you who will win the 2026 Kentucky Derby on Saturday. But I do know a good horse name when I hear one.
And throughout the 152 years of the most storied horse race in America, there have been some very rad names. My assignment was straightforward: Rank the 152 best. To do so, I combed through the entire history of Kentucky Derby participants, adding every name that spoke to me in any way to a master list that ended up being 502 entries long. From there, I whittled that down to the 152 you’ll see here.
Horse names may seem simple, but they're not. The Jockey Club—the organization that keeps The American Stud Book—has rules for naming Thoroughbreds. Names must be 18 characters or less, and that includes spaces and punctuation. They can’t consist of only numbers or only initials. Numbers can be used, but only if they’re above 30 and only if they’re spelled out. Horses can’t be named after someone who is still alive, unless the namesake submits written permission to the Jockey Club directly. For example:
Dear Jockey Club,
Being of sound mind and body, I, Paul Edward Valentine Giamatti, do hereby bequeath Gus and Party Stables Inc. my permission to name their new 2-year-old colt after me. I have seen the horse. He is beautiful, and I love him.
Be easy,
Paul “Sex” Giamatti
The Jockey Club has more rules. Owners cannot reuse names on the Jockey Club’s Permanent List, and they are not able to use the name of a horse currently active in racing or breeding. If a horse has won a G1 race in the past 25 years, its name is off-limits. Names cannot end in numerical designations like 2nd, 3rd, 4th, so on, but Jr. is OK, as you will see. Also unavailable for use are names ending in stallion, colt, mare, stud, filly, or “any similar horse-related term.” I’m guessing that means no go on pony, horsey, steed, nag, foal, and the highly underrated bronco.
Under such strict parameters, naming a horse necessitates creativity. So what makes some names better than others? It’s all very abstract. The best ones make you catch a spark. Whether a name projects extreme force or is delicate and smooth, you read it and a light flicks on. Some horse names reach for majesty. Others reach for the joke. Some are long, some are short, some rhyme, some mean something, some just sound cool. And while appreciating names is an inexact and highly subjective science, we established a few ground rules for making this list, adapted from our previous ranking of the best NBA names of the quarter century.
- Success doesn’t matter. A horse’s finish in this race or any other is irrelevant. This list is not concerned with whether a horse was fast when it counted, and it’s not concerned with how cool it looked. It doesn’t matter if the horse was pretty. I mean, it does. We love pretty horses, and, you know, the more the merrier. We just mean, within the context of this project, looks don’t matter. All that matters is the name.
- Every part of the name is taken into account. First names, last names, honorifics, abbreviations, adjectives. Taken all together, is this name fun to say? How cool does it sound? How cool does it look? How are the letters arranged? Which ones are capitalized? Does it roll off the tongue? Is it funny?
- Does it pass the race announcer test? One of the best parts of any horse race is when the announcer says, voice rising, “And here comes so-and-so on the outside!” How does this name sound in that specific context?
For the freaks like me who also enjoy horse names, there will surely be names you love that don’t appear here. My apologies to Vulcanite (fourth place in the 1919 Derby). I can’t overstate how many different names could have made the final list. But it’s like Solange said during press for Johnson Family Vacation: “Any decision I make is based on myself, and the only person I have to give an explanation to is God.”
Giddyup, let’s ride.
152. Sea Swallow (1945, Seventh Place)
Seabiscuit’s son and, as evidenced by his seventh-place finish, greatest disappointment. Sea Swallow tried to follow in his father’s hoof steps, and he failed. You might say, “But Seabiscuit never even ran the Kentucky Derby. Wouldn’t he just be proud of his boy for making it?”
Seabiscuit was a massive fan of himself and notoriously selfish. He never asked the other horses how they were doing, what they were up to. It was always, “Yeah, anyway, my grandfather’s Man o’ War. Maybe you’ve heard of him?” And when Sea Swallow qualified for the Derby, Seabiscuit looked at it as a way for some part of him to finally win the race he never got to run.
Sea Swallow’s seventh-place finish was excruciating. He lay in the stable and wept. His father left the track without saying a word. The two horses never spoke again. Seabiscuit died a mere two years later.
151. My Dad George (1970, Second)
A triumph of creativity. Ahead of its time. The kind of name that gets better the more you think about it. [The announcer is screaming.] “And My Dad George is coming up on the outside.” George is a good name for a dad. It’s not the best name for a dad. It’s probably, like, 36th on the list of dad names. The 11th-best dad name is Randy, and the best dad name is Hank.
150. Tony Graff (1960, Seventh)
One way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like it belongs to someone who’s muscle for the mob, it’s a really good horse name.
149. Bold Lad (1965, 10th)
I looked for a long time for a Boldy James bar that involved a horse, but all I could find was the first verse on “Surf & Turf,” when Boldy says he’s hung like one.
148. Dust Commander (1970, First)
Any animal that commands all dust, of which there is much, is extremely powerful and should be approached with reverence.
147. Pulpit (1997, Fourth)
In the 1997 Robert Duvall tour de force The Apostle, Duvall plays a preacher on the run. He is transcendent. See Bobby D. onstage at the church, dancing in a cream suit, wielding a C-note like Elvis with a scarf. He says “pulpit,” and it sounds like “poolpit.” Walton Goggins is in the movie dressed like an extra in Back to the Future. Enchantment Under the Red Sea, baby. Short-circuit the devil. You bet your ass we got Holy Ghost power here today. What a loss.
146. On the Sly (1976, Fifth)
“Sly” is one of our most underrated words. “Sly” is sly. The word both raises the name’s ceiling and takes an under-the-radar handle to the next level.
145. Flying Mohawk (2025, 18th)
One of those names that gets in your face and dares you to take a swing.
144. Fred Jr. (1927, Eighth)
I know what you’re thinking. Surely Fred Jr. was sired by a horse named Fred. He wasn’t. He was sired by a horse named Wildair. It probably goes without saying, but had this horse been named just “Fred,” it would have made a run at the top 10.
143. Perfect Bahram (1946, Ninth)
Coincidentally, “Perfect Bahram” is my Letterboxd review of the 1995 agrarian dramedy Babe. Sheep be true? You’re goddamn right.
142. Millennium Wind (2001, 11th)
One of the joys of this job is the little morsels you unearth during research that you never would’ve believed in a million years. This name actually references the hum inside a PS2 that comes from the internal fan cooling down the console, and that’s not true but what if it were?
141. Toro (1928, Third)
Bull.
140. Woodchopper (1981, Second)
Wood.
139. Dandy K. (1964, Eighth)
Would’ve been wild if the horse in this spot were named Bull Wood. But anyway, the first time I read this name, I was bleary-eyed from combing through past races late at night and thought it said Danity Kane. Those women deserved better.
138. Falsetto (1879, Second)
I know a guy who refuses to sing falsetto because he says it’s for cowards. I disagree, but it’s important to be objective and hear both sides out.
137. Ride on Curlin (2014, Seventh)
Yeehaw. I consider it a major plus if I basically have no idea what the name means. I understand the vibe they’re trying to send, and I appreciate it.
136. Odd Fellow (1877, Sixth)
Odd Fellow is really good. It’s a shame, though, that they did not simplify the idea further and call the horse Weird Guy.
135. Flashy Bull (2006, 14th)
Fun to think about a flashy bull. Chandeliers hanging off the horns, pulling up in the Bugatti Chiron wearing a Randy Moss Vikings jersey and the actual pants Leo wore during his death scene in Blood Diamond.
134. Secretariat (1973, First)
Classic, elegant, regal. The kind of name that comes with a crown. The letters wear robes.
133. Prince Silverwings (1904, Fourth)
Speaking of royalty, this is a beautiful name that should be repurposed as an insult for snobs. “Check out Prince Silverwings over here.”
132. Corn off the Cob (1970, Seventh)
Another name that can be used as an insult. “Did you hear about Tyler? His corn’s off the cob, man, he’s lost it.”
131. Trinidad (1879, Fourth)
Gold all in my chain, gold all in my ring
Gold all in my watch
Don’t believe me, just watch.
130. Captain Steve (2000, Eighth)
Not as trusty as Scuba Steve but seems like a really trusty captain. Somewhere between Captain Crunch, whom I like but do not trust, and Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, who experienced dual engine loss at 2,800 feet, followed by an immediate water landing with 155 souls on board.
129. Mo Tom (2016, Eighth)
Innovation. You look at it, and at first it seems wrong. Did they mean to type that? Was it supposed to be Mom Tom? Moto M? Something about the whole name just feels incomplete. But then you sit with it for a little while longer. And as you study it more, something wonderful happens. The eyes adjust, and the name becomes beautiful. A strange pairing that plays like a blockbuster. We need more art like this today, art that doesn’t hand out easy answers. This is why the name Loy Vaught has always been so compelling.
128. El Baba (1982, 11th)
¡Qué nombre tan bonito para un caballo!
127. Trouble Brewing (1968, Seventh)
This name really hits hard when subjected to the race announcer test. “… along with Trouble Brewing on the outside.” I hope the person who came up with this name got every high five they ever wanted.
126. Crimson Satan (1962, Sixth)
Wild to see this name pop up in 1962, so many years before Nick Saban.
125. Just a Touch (2024, 20th)
The hand trembles
and wanders,
slowly.
124. Big Truck (2008, 18th)
Big Truck go fast? No, Big Truck did not go fast. Big Truck finished 18th. Big Truck go slow.
123. Raymond Earl (1978, 10th)
Another way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like it could belong to an old pitmaster, someone who wears overalls exclusively, barely speaks, and has been smoking meats for five decades, it’s a really good horse name.
122. Court Vision (2008, 13th)
It’s so important to see the floor.
121. Bazaar (1934, Ninth)
A z among the a’s, a couple of which appear consecutively? You go back-to-back a’s right after a z? That’s special.
120. Hidden Stash (2021, 13th)
This is a good name because anything that is hidden away is either the best or super scary. Whichever way you look at it, it’s a solid horse name. A hidden stash? This horse must sprout wings and fly. A hidden stash? The soul of the devil himself lies within this steed.
119. Combatant (2018, 18th)
There’s a scene from an old episode of Eastbound and Down in which Danny McBride tells Stevie that they are now “enemy combatants,” and I cannot hear or see the word “combatant” without thinking about it. Kenny Powers will strike you.
118. Flameaway (2018, 13th)
Yes, let’s get creative with our spellings. Let’s take chances, chuck caution into the dumpster. Why not combine “Flame” and “away”? Stretch the bounds of normalcy. Change the world.
117. Tiz the Bomb (2022, Ninth)
It’s big time to get a z somewhere it doesn’t usually go. This is why All Eyez on Me is one of the best album titles in music history. And it’s time we go back and give Biker Boyz another look. The wherewithal to incorporate the z, this is what real artistry looks like.
116. Billy Kelly (1919, Second)
Another way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like it could belong to a gunslinger in the Old West, it’s a really good horse name. “That’s that Billy Kelly. The one killed Muddog Scott.”
115. Citizen Bull (2025, 15th)
When my kids were younger, my favorite book to read to them was The Story of Ferdinand. That book has one of my favorite lines in all of literature. Ferdinand is being wheeled into Madrid for the bullfights, looking out at the town. It’s the only line on the page.
“And all the lovely ladies had flowers in their hair.”
114. Chilito (1998, 11th)
Sounds like the name of a silly animated chili dog.
113. Sandman (2025, Seventh)
I think the actual Mr. Sandman could learn something from this horse. Drop the formalities and lose the “Mr.” You’re not my teacher, man, and you’re not my boss. It’s 2026. Asking people to throw a Mr. in front of it … honestly, it reeks of privilege. Let’s just be casual, why don’t we? Lower the stakes a little bit. It’s not like you’re Mr. Rogers, for whom all concessions will be made. Relax, and bring me a dream.
112. Cannonade (1974, First)
Somehow not a parade of cannons. This is what it’s called when lemonade just fucking hits the spot.
111. Gun Runner (2016, Third)
This name just makes me want to review The Friends of Eddie Coyle.
“You’re still interested in machine guns, I suppose?”
“Oh, yes, indeed. I’ve always had a strong interest in a machine gun or two.”
Coyle ain’t world-weary; he’s worlds-weary. Looks like he’s traveled to Mars and back a few times in the past week, like someone just finished dragging him behind a horse. Mitchum has the eyes of a basset hound who hasn’t slept in five years. Bob’s also, as we know, a total smoke show. Face like a beautiful, old baseball glove. Put it in Cooperstown. Bags under his peepers like couches, floral printed and ideal for snoozing. For real, somebody get this man a nap, pronto. Somebody get this man a coma. Either way, keep him away from 50 TENPIN-CANDLEPIN and trucks full of Canadian Club.
Some good peacoats in this film. Some good Alex Rocco. He’s wearing the hell out of a burgundy turtleneck and looks at home in a double-wide. Lotta dude sweat throughout. Elite sideburn work from basically everyone. Great Peter Boyle. Great Schlitz. Terrible masks. Where’s the panache? Where’s the glitter? Michael Mann got it right with the old goalie masks in Heat. Everybody looks gnarly in an old goalie mask.
110. Dunce (1959, Seventh)
I think a good name for a horse would be A Total Loser.
109. A Dragon Killer (1958, Seventh)
Dragonslayer would’ve been better, but naming any animal A Dragon Killer is something I’m on board with. Like, if there were a bichon frise named Dragonslayer? Pretty cool dog.
108. Ladysman (1933, Fourth)
I think Tim Meadows is extremely underrated, and some prestige-adjacent television show should scoop him up. He’s got a lot of moves, a lot of versatility.
107. Fisherman (1954, Seventh)
Give a horse a fish, you feed it once. Teach a horse to fish, and you’ve done something that should allow you to go viral constantly. Because how would it even grip the fishing pole? Or navigate the reel?
106. Snuzzle (1951, 16th)
Just typing this name makes me feel more comfortable. I type this name, and slippers appear on my feet.
105. Swaps (1955, First)
Snuzzle and Swaps sound like an old clowning duo. They have perfected their craft, and the smiles on children’s faces distract them from the fact that everyone they know will die.
104. Ocho Ocho Ocho (2015, 14th)
Gave it a lot of thought, and Ocho Ocho Ocho has more of a ring to it than veinticuatro.
103. Bolo (2015, 12th)
The best kind of tie, unless it’s being worn ironically, in which case that’s actually illegal and you should be prosecuted.
102. Challenge Me (1944, 10th)
I’ll fight you right now.
101. Forward Pass (1968, First)
As we know, it’s important to establish the run. But don’t be afraid to air it out a little bit, too. Take the top off the defense, give your receivers chances to make plays.
100. Oxbow (2013, Sixth)
Oxen have worked with humans for over 6,000 years, and bows have been around for over 60,000. Really strong name pedigree. A lot of history there.
99. Orb (2013, First)
Who doesn’t love a good orb? If you’re watching a movie and an orb shows up, congratulations. And if that orb is glowing? You are watching a guaranteed inductee into the National Film Registry.
98. Foolish Pleasure (1975, First)
Ranked 97th in BloodHorse magazine’s top 100 racehorses of the 20th century.
97. Pants on Fire (2011, Ninth)
This is a good name because it implies that the horse is calling all the other horses liars. How would a horse wear pants? Who gives a shit? They’re on fire. Let’s handle emergencies in order of importance.
Incredibly impressive. Clearly, the owner wanted to pay homage to Becky O’Shea, one of the finest two-way football players to ever come out of the state of Ohio.
96. Sun Thunder (11th, 2023)
95. Ice Box (2010, Second)
Incredibly impressive. Clearly, the owner wanted to pay homage to Becky O’Shea, one of the finest two-way football players to ever come out of the state of Ohio.
94. Rumbo (1980, Second)
Like if you combined Dumbo and Rambo. Would actually be a nice double bill. Both are harrowingly violent.
93. Fonso (1880, First)
Like if you combined the Fonz and Gonzo, two very solid dudes.
92. Nobiz Like Shobiz (2007, 10th)
You get word before the show has started
That your favorite uncle died at dawn
And top of that, your pa and ma have parted
You're brokenhearted, but you go on
Take it away, Ethel.
91. Rico Tesio (1959, 10th)
Named after Federico Tesio, a legend in the horse racing world. “One of the most innovative and successful breeders in Thoroughbred racing history,” according to Canadian Thoroughbred magazine, which I have subscribed to for a number of minutes.
90. Bob Murphy (1946, Seventh)
Another way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like a sweet, chubby old man with a vise grip and a stout ’stache, it’s a really good horse name. Bob Murphy is the kind of horse that’ll trot up to you and say, “Put ’er there, partner. Bob Murphy. Just moved in down the way there. Seen your hoop in the driveway, and I’m looking for a game.”
Jeff: Oh hey, Bob. Jeff Kanes. Nice to meet you, man. I’m actually eating dinner with my family right now, but I’d be down to play Thursday. I’m usually done with work early on Thursdays.
Bob: You for real won’t play with me? I just moved in. I don’t know anyone.
Jeff: No, I get it. We’re just eating right now, and then I have to put the kids to bed.
Bob: How many kids do you have?
Jeff: Two.
Bob: What are their names?
Jeff: You don’t need to know their names.
Bob: You’re probably lying and you don’t actually have kids.
Jeff: I do have kids.
Bob: You’re a bad neighbor and a bad liar. You don’t have kids. You’re probably not even eating. You don’t have any stains on your shirt or pants.
Jeff: So? I’m a good eater. I don’t get anything on me when I eat.
Bob: Dude, everybody gets stains on their shirts or pants when they eat. I can’t eat a single meal without staining some part of my person.
Jeff: It sounds like you have a problem.
Bob: Whatever, man. You’re ducking me.
Jeff: That’s not gonna work.
Bob: You’re ducking me right now.
Jeff: I’m eating dinner with my beautiful wife and two strapping girls.
Bob: I’m gonna tell everyone in the neighborhood you’re ducking me.
Jeff: Go away, psycho. Leave me alone.
Bob: You know I’d take you into the post. I’d set up shop on the block and just eat.
89. The Bat (1925, 17th)
Goth horse. Cool as shit. Really easy to talk to.
88. Lawyer Ron (2006, 12th)
“Did you get made fun of when you pissed your britches in public? Did people laugh and call you names when you shit your leggings full of shit? If this has happened to you or anyone you know, you may have been victim to what is known as bodily function slander. Howdy! I’m Lawyer Ron, and I’m passionate about this because I know what it’s like.
“When I was 23 years old, I pissed my britches at my friend Yazz’s wedding. I was this close to holding hands with Sharon Shummers, but my bladder failed me. I knew I couldn’t sprint. If I sprinted, I’d have sprayed piss halfway to the DJ. It had to be a fast walk. And I walked faster than I had ever walked. It was the stairs that got me. Just outside the bathroom, I took the three steps up, going full tilt, and splish-splash. By the time I got in front of a toilet, it was too late. The slacks were dark green but not that dark green. The piss outline was clear, and it went too low down the leg, so I couldn’t tell people it was a handwashing accident. If there had been hand dryers, I could have somewhat mitigated the situation, but this particular commode went with paper towels instead. When I got back to the dance floor, I was ridiculed. Sharon would not look at me. I spent the rest of the reception alone at a table drinking margaritas and eating empanadas. On my way up to my room, I saw her kissing Ben Giggles in the Business Center, and now I can’t pee unless I’m crying, but at least I wear expensive boots.
“Bodily function slander destroys lives. I’ll help you get yours back. Why don’t you just call 918-549-5599? We’ll make them wish they’d never met you.”
87. Busy American (1922, 10th)
This sounds like an insult unearthed from some long-gone piece of Soviet propaganda. “Oooooo, busy American, busy American. So important, so important. Busy American is always sick and only cares about latest pants. What movie will I order at drive-thru? Look at me, look at me. I hate time.”
86. Mahogany Hall (1994, Ninth)
Sounds like a really nice hall. Bet it smells great. Bet it looks great. That deep reddish brown. A big hall. The kind of hall that needs a couch, paintings the size of dining room tables, a rug with flowers on it.
85. Bolt d’Oro (2018, 12th)
Look, giving your racehorse the first name Bolt is obviously inspired. Bolt d’Oro is a name with its own personal crest. A sleeping giant. We’re talking about a last name that starts with a lowercase letter, immediately follows it up with an apostrophe, and then goes into a capital O. This is a last name that’s not afraid to change on a dime and head in another direction. Sort of the Darren Sproles of last names.
84. Medaglia d’Oro (2002, Fourth)
Sired Bolt, and while Bolt has more commercial appeal, Medaglia has two things going for it that Bolt does not. It sounds beautiful, and I don’t know what it means.
83. Talk Is Money (2001, 17th)
Brought up the rear in 2001, finished dead last. Talk is also cheap.
82. King Phalanx (1954, 16th)
Always thrilling to get an x on the way out the door. Takes the name to a new level.
81. Lemon Drop Kid (1999, Ninth)
Another way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like it could be a children’s book, it’s a really good horse name.
80. Suave Prospect (1995, 11th)
Fun to think about a horse being suave. He’s holding doors open, lighting other horses’ cigarettes, lets the wind play in the mane.
79. Prime Timber (1999, Fourth)
Going to start using this a lot. Really anytime I’m near woods, in the woods, talking about the woods. I’ll probably even use it at the beach. We’re looking for a place to put the chairs, find a nice spot off to the side. I walk up and say, “This is some prime timber right here.”
78. Grindstone (1996, First)
Do y’all think anyone ever put their nose against this horse? Feels like at least 30 percent of all people who interacted with the horse would find a way to do that.
77. Lizzie Stone (1876, Sixth)
I have spent about a month going back and forth, wondering what’s true, what’s not. Would this name be improved if it were shortened to Liz Stone? Liz Stone. Liz Stone. There’s something there. It’s kind of a jab to the ribs. Liz Stone. Lizzie Stone, there’s something kind of playful to it. Lizzie. It’s youthful. It’s got personality. Lizzie Stone was the right call. Important to talk these sorts of things out.
76. Rockamundo (1993, 17th)
Like if a mundo were made of rock.
75. Rock Woodboy (1944, 15th)
Like if a wooden boy were made of rock.
74. Rock Man (1926, Third)
Like if a man were made of rock.
73. Rhinock (1926, Fourth)
Like if a rhino were made of rock.
72. Laser Light (1982, Second)
One of the best lights. I also like floor lamps and sconces.
71. Talkin Man (1995, 12th)
Shut up, dude.
70. Leo Castelli (1987, Seventh)
Inspired by the legendary Italian Hungarian art dealer of the same name. Castelli was hugely influential in the Pop Art movement. He represented, among others, Robert Rauschenberg, Jasper Johns, and Frank Stella, and he gave Roy Lichtenstein his first solo exhibit.
69. Holy Bull (1994, 12th)
Is there any other kind?
68. Explosive Wagon (1983, 15th)
Hell, yeah. Let’s blow up some wagons.
67. Die Hard (1959, 16th)
It’s a Christmas horse.
66. Dr. Devious (1992, Seventh)
Another way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like it could belong to an evil supervillain, it’s a really good horse name.
65. Brief Sigh (1944, Fifth)
A name that wears its slights on its sleeves, pant legs, and ass. Extremely vulnerable, actively sabotaging itself at every turn. Gentle and afraid of touch.
64. Video Ranger (1990, Fourth)
I’m a fan of this name because it makes me think of cowboy roping videotapes. It is 1990. The television clicks on. We’re inside a Catchings Video Ranch commercial already in progress. There are cardboard cacti in the aisles; papier-mâché vultures hang from the ceiling. The rest of the decor is basically cardboard cutouts from the day—Batman, Lethal Weapon 2, Steel Magnolias—plus Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner’s Southwest, plus 20,000 titles. We are in an aisle with WESTERN on one side and COMEDY on the other. Trace Catchings is stomping at the camera and wearing a shirt covered in roses. In one hand, a rope. In the other hand, a remote.
“… I’m telling y’all. It’s called Chattahoochee, and it is a HOOT. I see several Oscars coming round the bend. So come on down here to Catchings Video Ranch and rustle up something for watching.”
63. Hoops (1932, Ninth)
Ball is life.
62. Green Alligator (1991, Fourth)
Alligators sweat through their mouths and sound like lawn mowers.
61. Western Playboy (1989, 15th)
This horse is a total womanizer, but I’m not here to judge the character of these animals. I am here to judge their names. And this name is aces.
60. Dance Floor (1992, Third)
I am not a good dancer. I’m not smooth, and I’m not light on my feet. But if you get the right combination of inebriants in me, combined with the right songs on the speaker and my wife at my side, I’m going to give it everything I’ve got. This used to happen a little more often but now really happens only at weddings. And what happens is, I always wind up doing too many hand motions. As long as I’m thinking about it, I don’t do the hand motions, but as soon as I get into the song, I revert back to old habits.
59. Double Sonic (1981, 11th)
[The euphoric jingling of acquired rings.]
58. Francie’s Hat (1968, Second)
Hats are probably a top-three accessory. Really, a classic accessory, the hat. So many different types, an ocean of flavors. You’ve got baseball caps, bucket hats, cowboy hats, bowler hats, fedoras, straw hats, trapper hats, hard hats, top hats, chefs hats, deerstalkers, visors, fezzes, derby hats, sailor hats, trucker hats, Francie’s Hat, pillbox hats, driving caps, berets, coonskin caps, boater hats, panama hats, porkpies, beanies, sombreros, and balaclavas.
57. Corker (1996, 11th)
A.k.a. Corker Romano.
56. Degenerate Jon (1980, Eighth)
My grandfather, my dad’s dad, still lives in the town my father grew up in. Tamaha, Oklahoma. It can’t be but 50 people living there. No stores, no restaurants. One person who used to live in town was this guy named Doogie (pronounced DOO-jee) John. Sometimes, when my grandpa talks about him, he pronounces it Doodge.
My grandpa went to Doodge’s place for dinner one night. There were chickens that lived in the house with him, went where they pleased. My grandfather can’t remember what the two of them ate, only that it involved gravy. When Doodge finished, my grandfather watched him take a slice of white bread, clean the entire plate with it, eat the white bread, then put the plate back in the cabinet. This was how he did the dishes. That was the last meal my grandfather had there.
55. Blazes (1920, Sixth)
[Very Just Blaze! voice.] Just Blazes!
54. Bombay Duck (1975, 15th)
The way it went was, I saw the name Bombay Duck. I freaked out. I immediately thought someone had named a horse after Gordon Bombay and the Mighty Ducks. Then I saw the year. I knew the original Mighty Ducks film didn’t come out until 1992. So are there actual ducks called Bombay ducks that I’ve just never heard about? I looked it up. Turns out, it’s a fish, and an ugly sucker, too. Underbite, kind of like if Sloth from The Goonies were a fish. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, gooooooooo DUCKS.
53. Pompoon (1937, Second)
“Pompoon” would appear to be a cross between pontoons and pom-poms. Or like a pontoon boat made of pom-poms? Also sounds like a town you’d find in Florida.
52. Sabercat (2012, 15th)
One of the coolest cats of all time. As far as cool cat rankings, it goes:
- ThunderCats
- Snow leopards
- Andrés Galarraga
- Jeff Goldblum
51. Black Metal (1954, 13th)
[Death scream.]
50. Social Outcast (1953, Seventh)
Would’ve been better if it were just Pariah, but Social Outcast still sings.
49. Deputy Glitters (2006, Eighth)
Serves under Sheriff Sprinkles in Rainbow City, although she is considering going back to school to get her associate degree.
48. Vagabond (1875, 14th)
Ran in the first Kentucky Derby ever. Believe the very best.
47. Sannazarro (1901, Second)
Sounds like a sit-down Italian restaurant in an airport.
46. His Eminence (1901, First)
God is an animal.
45. Request for Parole (2002, Fifth)
Request for Parole or Get Me Out of Here.
44. Mr. Z (2015, 13th)
My feelings on the letter z are well known to anyone reading this list. Any name that clears out and lets the z go to work like this is a winner.
43. Castle Gandolfo (2002, 12th)
Named after the hottest nightclub in the Shire. Ladies night every Thursday, 7 p.m. till close. $5 slider platters.
42. Sensitive Music (1972, Fifth)
[Dims lights, sparks candle, blows kiss.]
41. Jim French (1971, Second)
If horses could grow mustaches, Jim French would’ve had one.
40. Built for Pleasure (1996, 19th)
Came in last place, but no shock there. The horse wasn’t named Built for Speed.
39. Rancho Lejos (1970, 17th)
Rancho Lejos, just feels right
Rancho Lejos, just sounds nice
Ranch Lejos, fight fight fight.
38. Saigon Warrior (1971, 20th)
A name that has an almost mystical quality to it, but really this name is here on account of Saigon being so fun to say.
37. Twist the Axe (1971, 10th)
Yes, only a 10th-place showing, but they did finish ahead of Twist the Knife.
36. Thunder Gulch (1995, First)
Another way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like it belongs to a roller coaster, it’s a really good horse name.
35. Flamingo (1958, 13th)
I hope the jockey wore pink. It’s bullshit that I can’t find out whether the jockey wore pink.
34. Stormello (2007, 19th)
Smooth and strong, constantly pushing forward, unafraid of the future and certain of its place in it. Like if a name were a shark.
33. Louis Quatorze (1996, 16th)
Versailles’s overrated, and you can tell Lou I said so.
32. Barbs Delight (1967, Second)
Should be the name of the next women’s country music supergroup.
31. Tabasco Cat (1994, Sixth)
“Tabasco” is an absolute standout here. Sets the tone from the jump and lets you know where you stand.
30. Black Emperor (1956, 13th)
Hard as hell. Opulent.
29. Blondin (1926, Ninth)
Can also be used as a verb for when you or someone you know is listening to Frank Ocean’s Blonde. For example, “Me and some of the guys are Blondin tonight if you wanna come through. Jeff’s making paella.”
28. Master of Hounds (2011, Fifth)
You’re telling me this horse is in charge of all dogs? That’s a power no being should possess. If, somehow, it got into the wrong hands, they could take over the world … although it would be cool to get them all to bark at the same time. If all the canines—including coyotes, wolves, and foxes—in California barked at the same time, do you think people would hear it in neighboring states? I guess you’d have to tell the dogs to bark their loudest, barkiest bark. Then again, how much modulation is even possible with dogs and their bark volume? Don’t they just bark their bark, and that’s their bark? Like, they don’t have an inside voice and an outside voice.
27. Flying Ebony (1925, First)
Look! In the sky!
Horses!
Hopefully
the
world
is
ending.
26. Typhoon (1928, 15th)
Of all the natural disasters, this one sounds the prettiest. Hurricane, earthquake, tornado, hailstorm, forest fire, flood, thunderstorm, avalanche—all fail to reach the heights of “typhoon.” The only one that even comes close is tsunami, and, honestly, that’s a knockdown, drag-out heavyweight bout right there, tsunami vs. typhoon. “Tsunami” is so spontaneous, so dangerous, so full of life. But “typhoon” does something more than that. “Typhoon” calms. Somehow, it is a gentle word.
25. Fusaichi Pegasus (2000, First)
[Bows head, kisses fingers, points up.]
24. Marine Victory (1946, 15th)
Marine victories played a huge part in Master and Commander: Far Side of the World, the best movie.
23. Helene Super Star (2013, Seventh)
Anybody gives Helene any trouble, I’ll dedicate the rest of my life to making the rest of theirs a living hell. She’s a superstar, and I don’t want to hear about anybody giving her any guff.
22. Scapa Flow (1927, Ninth)
Another way to make sure you have a high-quality horse name: If the name sounds like it could belong to a rapper, it’s a really good horse name.
21. Bert G. (1945, 14th)
A name that picks you up, carries you into the skies, and just keeps on going. You are in the stars. You are past Neptune. You will never stop.
20. Blue Larkspur (1929, Fourth)
Somehow not a character from The Hunger Games.
19. Donnacona (1920, Fifth)
Let’s give it up for internal rhymes, and let’s give it up for Donnas around the world.
18. Mr. Hot Stuff (2009, 15th)
You’ll never be happy until you love yourself.
17. Mystik Dan (2024, First)
Truly an exemplar of the form.
16. Gramps Image (1944, Eighth)
He rode in before the snow. Deep into the San Juans, blizzard on the way, JB and a team of horses, getting people out. They were fishermen, hikers, campers, outdoors people, tourists he’d guided in days earlier who were completely unprepared and wildly ill-equipped for the weather that chose them. JB was their knight in shining Carhartt. And he looked like the Marlboro Man and ate like a bird and ripped cigs and pounded coffee, and it was a long trip but that was fine. He loved the scenery.
He grew up in flyover country, far from purple mountains, and so when he went to Colorado to guide, he’d soak in the Technicolor wilderness every chance he got. Horseback for 12 hours, get to camp, explain: A cold hell comes soon. Go with him if you want to live. Before they left, he explained to them: Like I told y’all on the way up, the animal knows the way. They’ve done this trip countless times, will do it countless more, could do it blindfolded. The way out is the way out. Trust the animal. They’ll get you home.
So they left out the way they came, on a trail skinnier than a sidewalk, in a dark so thick they could not see. And on their right, the mountain. And on their left, death. Sometimes someone would snap, freak out, want to turn back. Maybe the snow had started. Maybe ice rain. Maybe the batteries in his flashlight had died. They’d abandon their horse, tears in their voices, demand an audible, claim they weren’t going any farther. And JB would get down from his saddle, go to them, and say to them that that sounded fine.
“You stay here while I take the rest to the ranch. I’ll come get your body when the weather lets up.” When the doubter calmed down, JB would reiterate, the animal knows the way. Then he’d return to his horse, remount, and lead them back into the black.
He was my mom’s dad, my grandad. And he was probably wearing jeans.
15. The Puma (2026, N/A)
Hasn’t even raced yet and already a top-20 all-time Kentucky Derby horse name. A grand, unprecedented debut. This is how you arrive.
14. Sinister Minister (2006, 16th)
Some rhyming names can be grating, but when these two sync up, it’s music.
13. Don B. (1968, Sixth)
Don B. is the name of my Jon B. tribute act that takes existing Jon B. songs and turns them into country radio hits.
12. Palace Malice (2013, 12th)
It was not a cool thing to do, and he got what he deserved, but I do think the guy who threw the cup of ice deserves some kind of recognition for an unbelievable toss. Had he deployed that hand-eye coordination and that touch for good instead of ill, we might be looking at the greatest carnival games player of all time.
11. Lightning Orphan (1967, 14th)
Parentless, alone in this world, he’s got nothing except the shoes on his feet, but at least he’s fast.
10. Shut Out (1942, First)
One of the hardest names of all time. As was stated in the intro, success does not matter in the slightest. We judge the name, not the performance. BUT it’s also wild that, in addition to having a deeply rad handle, Shut Out went out and won the thing.
9. Big Spruce (1972, Seventh)
I would love to be called Big Spruce. If anyone reading this sees me in public, PLEASE start calling me Big Spruce.
8. Big Stretch (1951, 18th)
I would love to be called Big Stretch. If anyone reading this sees me in public, PLEASE start calling me Big Stretch.
7. Top o the Wave (1917, 13th)
One of the coolest things about this name is how it wrong-foots you. You start reading, and it seems like what’s coming is “Top o’ the Morning.” In your head is some dude from the 1940s saying hi to his neighbor in the front yard before he heads to work for the day. Then, right when the “Wave” hits you, you’re immediately dropping into 15-footers with Irish surfers.
6. Real Quiet (1998, First)
[Places pointer finger over lips.]
5. The Scoundrel (1964, Third)
Not just any old scoundrel, OK? Not one of many scoundrels. THE Scoundrel. The one and only, the inimitable, thou shalt have no other scoundrels before him, scoundrel.
I also think Scallywag would be a good horse name.
4. No More Flowers (1987, 15th)
Quietly maybe the hardest name I’ve ever heard. It also leaves itself open to interpretation. One interpretation: Beauty itself is gone. A powerful meditation on mortality, the future, and how time is the only true winner in the universe. Another interpretation: No more flowers for the competition, which is just incredibly badass.
3. I Am the Game (1985, 13th)
I’m genuinely worried that anything I write is just going to spoil the staggering amounts of dopeness emanating off this name. Ask me on another day, and this is no. 1.
It’s also fun to think about I Am the Game introducing themselves to another horse.
“Hi, my name is Bedroom Boom.”
“Hi, Bedroom. I Am the Game.”
“Nice to meet you, the Game.”
“No, I Am the Game.”
“Yeah, I heard you. You’re the Game.”
“No. I’m not the Game. My name is—“
A coughing fit hits I Am the Game for a few seconds, then he picks up where they left off.
“I Am the Game.”
“You messing with me, Costello? Trying to be a wise horse? What’s wrong with you?”
2. Grand Mo the First (2024, 18th)
I know what you’re thinking. Were there other Mos? Of course there were. Grand Mo the First was sired by Uncle Mo, who had sex with Lilies So Fair, and we thank them. Without them, we would have never had Grand Mo the First, who, despite finishing 18th two years ago, is a winner. He’s a winner, and we are all better off for having met him.
1. Blue Swords (1943, Second)
See, now, yes. Yes. Absolutely. For sure. Hundred percent. You said they’re swords, as well as they are blue? Hey, brother, road’s yours. Hell yes, and God bless.
