Ranking the 117 Best NBA Names of the Quarter Century
What’s in a name? Everything. Featuring Dwayne Bacon, Stromile Swift, and so many more, these are the NBA player handles that stand the test of time.Ranking the 117 Best NBA Names of the Quarter Century
What’s in a name? Everything. Featuring Dwayne Bacon, Stromile Swift, and so many more, these are the NBA player handles that stand the test of time.
It’s NBA Quarter-Century Week at The Ringer, continuing our site’s yearlong package examining the best of the best—from movie performances to NFL teams to video games—of the past 25 years. This week, we’re focusing on basketball and some of our favorite people and teams lost to time.
Do you know what’s in a name? I mean, do you know that line? From Big Bill Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? The latter says, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet.” One, roses don’t even smell that good. Two, the unmitigated gall. Juliet has the audacity to sit there and say names don’t matter? Easy for her to say with a rad handle like Juliet Capulet. Oh really, Juliet? Is that what you think? Names don’t matter? Let’s hear you say that when you’re named Toilet Stevens or Martha Ass.
What’s in a name? What a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Teens, man. Read a book. Names are enormously important. They’re what people call you. They’re what you call other people. It’s the first thing you say when you meet someone, and it’s the first thing they say when they meet you. The poet W.H. Auden once said, “Proper names are poetry in the raw. Like all poetry, they are untranslatable.” Wystan Hugh gets it. Names are gifts. Expressions of individuality and creativity by people who considered them deeply. Names are how history remembers you, which is why, as part of our weeklong celebration of the past quarter century of NBA basketball, we set out to rank the best player names of the past 25 years.
What makes a name good? What makes a painting good? The best ones make you catch a spark. They light you up inside, give you a little juice, a little verve. Some names project an undeniable strength. Some are fun to say, some are fun to see splayed on the back of a jersey. Some are long, some are short, some rhyme. Some mean something, others just sound cool. There are a plethora of ways for a name to be great, but all great names have something in common: an electric crackle accompanied by a thought that crystallizes into fact and becomes a truth to you—that’s a cool name. And while appreciating names is an inexact and highly subjective science, we did establish a few ground rules.
- Nicknames don’t count (usually): For the purpose of this list, we are talking official NBA names, the ones listed on Basketball Reference and by which the player was widely known. Nicknames count only when a player is known exclusively by that name. This is known as the Bimbo Coles Provision, in honor of legendarily named journeyman point guard Bimbo Coles. I’m talking about your Popeye Joneses, your Fat Levers, your World B. Frees, your Mookie Blaylocks. Players that would not qualify? Chris Andersen is Chris Andersen. He’s not Birdman. The Glove is one of the finest nicknames in the history of sports, much less basketball, but it didn’t say Glove on the roster. It said Gary Payton.
- Success doesn’t matter: A player’s standing in the league is irrelevant to us. So is their talent. So is their résumé. This list is not concerned with whether someone was/is a good basketball player, and it is not concerned with said player’s personality. It doesn’t matter how good of a hang they were, how cool they looked, or how hard they dunked. All that matters is the name.
- First and last names—and the dynamic, inextricable relationship between the two—are taken into account: A great surname matters a bit more than a great first name. Last names are on jerseys, in box scores, in newspapers, etc. This isn’t a slight to the first name. It still wields enormous power and in many cases is the reason a name made this list at all. For this exercise, we judged first and last names both individually and in concert. How are the letters arranged? Do the sounds roll off the tongue? The best names are greater than the sum of their parts, the first name inseparable from the last and vice versa.
Our task was strange and straightforward, our methodology comprehensive. Franchise by franchise, season by season, we combed through the Basketball Reference page of every team from the past 25 years, starting with the 1999-2000 Atlanta Hawks and ending with the 2024-25 Washington Wizards, writing down any name that spoke to us in any way. That process yielded an initial list of 906 players. From there, we brought out the machetes and chain saws and carved away at this thing until we had narrowed the list down to the 117 you see below.
There will surely be names you love that don’t appear on this list. In all likelihood, we love them, too. Every one of the 906 names we considered could have easily made the final list. Ultimately, though, the line had to be drawn somewhere. Let’s get into it.
Dwayne Bacon
117. Dwayne Bacon
Dwayne is here largely on the strength of his last name being Bacon. And look, certainly Bacon is the highlight. Bacon is what fills the seats. But let me be very clear: Dwayne is holding up its end of things, too, and then some. This is a quiet, understated performance from Dwayne. It lets Bacon saunter in and eat the scenery in service of something larger, and it does all that without ever losing its own dignity. It’s the same thing Mark Wahlberg did for Christian Bale in The Fighter.
116. Rick Fox
A name that hits the gas and gets to the point. It also makes you think about foxes, and they’re fun little critters, aren’t they? Some nominative determinism going on here, too, being that he is, in fact, a fox. So pretty that they put him on television. To get ahead of any potential blowback: His inclusion on this list obviously does not excuse him for what he did to Nathan on One Tree Hill. Nathan had a huge game. His team was counting on him. Whitey was counting on him. And what does Rick Fox do? He tries to run him over with his car. I don’t support that. I stand with the youth against people like Rick Fox.
115. Thabo Sefolosha
A name made from the softest furs known to man.
114. Peja Stojakovic
Peja is just such a beautiful opening, and when it's paired with Stojakovic, you’ve got something saucy that’s greater than the sum of its parts. They are nice enough names on their own, but when paired together, the flavors burst and come alive.
113. Kevin Love
Much nicer than Kevin Hate.
112. Mario West
Much tougher than Mario East.
111. Bilal Coulibaly
Ravishing, flowing, a flower blooming. Usually a lot of l’s are a bad sign, but they hold things together here. This is a name that soothes.
Quinndary Weatherspoon
110. Quinndary Weatherspoon
[Tugs collar, loosens tie, leans into mic.] Let me get this straight: This spoon will tell me when it’s gonna rain?
109. Paris Bass
You’re not hallucinating. This name is real. Played two games for the Suns in January 2022, and that’s double what he needed to appear on this list. Paris Bass. The world is cruel and cold, but sometimes the sun pokes through the clouds. There is someone named Paris Bass. How lucky are we?
108. Loy Vaught
It’s a name that says, “I dare you to figure me out.” A name that comes with follow-up questions. For instance, what is going on here? Your name is Loy Vaught? That’s actually rad. I like this name because it seems like at least one letter is missing, probably two. And you don’t know which letter(s) exactly, you just know something feels unfinished. In that messiness is where we find real enlightenment. In the space between Loy and Vaught we find God.
107. Bimbo Coles
The namesake of the aforementioned Bimbo Coles Provision must be here because his name is Bimbo Coles. Bimbo Coles. Look what wonders people are capable of. Bimbo Coles. We went to the moon. Bimbo Coles. We invented saloons. Bimbo Coles. We fly in planes, helicopters, and hot air balloons. Bimbo Coles.
106. Antoine Rigaudeau
This name wears a floor-length balmacaan and thousand-dollar boots. Luxuriant, dense hair on its chest. This name takes some time for itself, heads up to its place in the country, and works on its novel.
105. Precious Achiuwa
[Cool breeze.]
104. Haywood Highsmith
Somehow not a character from Remember the Titans. This is the name of the best high school player your dad ever saw. Doesn’t matter the sport. Haywood Highsmith hit a home run off the Walmart in Henrietta. Haywood Highsmith had 17 receptions for 304 yards and five touchdowns on the road, in the rain. Haywood Highsmith hit nine 3s against El Dorado and dunked on a kid so hard he put him in the hospital. If your name is Haywood Highsmith, you probably play(ed) a sport and are/were probably amazing at it. It is written.
Pape Sow
103. Pape Sow
The lightning strikes and leaves a garden.
102. Vinny Del Negro
When I see this name, the first thing that comes to mind, before I’ve finished reading it, saying it, hearing it—I see a chef’s hat. It is automatic and happens every time, which I suppose are the same thing. I’m not really sure why my brain does this, although I do know it to be a decrepit and dangerous place filled with bats and lint. The good news is: This name rules. More good news: I love chef hats. It’s a pleasure to encounter one in any way. Sometimes I’ll wear one to go get groceries. Dogs lunge for my face. People hate it. I’ve had several ripped off my head while I was wearing them, which sucks because I buy the high-grade Cordon Bleu ones, and they aren’t cheap.
101. Darington Hobson
Played five games for the Bucks in January 2012. I like this name because it sounds like a name Johnny Knoxville would give himself if he dressed as a lord.
Bol Bol
100. Bol Bol
Bol is the only person on the list with the same first and last name. This does not hinder its majesty in any way. If anything, it enhances it. Twice is nice.
99. Sundiata Gaines
If you look closely, this name is actually wearing a leather jacket.
98. Mustafa Shakur
Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur. Mustafa Shakur.
97. Popeye Jones
A name that will drive you to the airport. A name that will help you move and bring beer. Eligible for inclusion under the Bimbo Coles Provision.
96. Salim Stoudamire
A constellation. A candy factory. The aurora borealis of names. You can hear it only in certain specific places at specific times, but when it does finally come across your ears, it’s ecstasy.
95. Pablo Prigioni
In this house we spell “passion” P-r-I-g-I-o-n-I. It has become very confusing for everyone who lives here, but we’ve committed to the bit and must see it through. I could not look my children in the face if I did not see this through.
Jaron Blossomgame
94. Jaron Blossomgame
Every time I read this name, I start looking at the trees like I’m Hirayama.
93. Bruno Caboclo
Listen, Fran. Even if he was two years away from being from two years away, and even if that assessment wound up being generous, Caboclo was an immediate contributor to the NBA name heads from day one. He’s a major part of why we do what we do.
92. Jalen Hood-Schifino
Yes, the Jalen and the Hood are special, but they don’t soar. When Schifino enters the mix, that’s when the name spreads its wings and flies.
Paolo Banchero
91. Paolo Banchero
[The sound of trumpets.]
90. Ike Diogu
A name with some Stickum on it. Real staying power. You can’t shake it. See it once, and it’s with you forever. It’s a lot like War Horse in that way.
89. Greivis Vásquez
Two v's and a z take this already astonishing handle into the stratosphere. Two v's and a z, a transcendent combo up there with biscuits and gravy.
88. Marcelo Huertas
A name you cannot touch. A name you can barely see.
87. Richie Frahm
This is the name of someone who gives you a business card for Northwest Oklahoma’s only vintage Saturn dealership. He has an aboveground pool and he’s thinking of building a deck, maybe put the grill out there, a TV.
“It’d be fun to have the guys over some Saturday,” he says.
“Invite whoever you want, Richie, but I’m not cleaning and I’m not cooking,” she says. “What makes you want to have people over all of a sudden?”
“Brandon always hosts and I hate it,” he says. “He’s so smug about his ugly chairs and his stupid cups. Ancient carvings aren’t actually that cool. And some of the cups he claims are antiques I saw for sale at the Big Lots in Tongo Point. He’s a con artist, Sherri Lynn, OK? He’s a fabulist. A deceiver. Plus, Jeff said he thinks I would throw a way more fun party than Brandon and Jeff is a doctor.”
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander at the Oklahoma City Thunder championship parade
86. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
A peaceful, scenic boat ride of a name that only improves as it bends around the back of a jersey.
85. Fred VanVleet
An injury will keep VanVleet off the court this season but not off this list. This is a name of its word, a name that would rather be erased than let you down. There’s the obvious stuff, the intra–last name alliteration of the v’s. The fact that the name makes him sound fast. The fact that the last name looks like a pickup truck. But look at the detail work here. Most names are going to separate the Van and the Vleet. But ‘Fred VanVleet’ is not most names. It does not sound like most names. It does not operate like most names. It’s a rebel. It does what it wants. The Van and the Vleet say no, we are one. Together we stand, together we live. And the Fred here is essential. VanVleet is stunting so hard, belting it to the back row. We need something simple and timeless at the top. Fred gives us that.
84. Diamond Stone
Speaks for itself. Don’t ask questions you know the answer to.
83. JamesOn Curry
Played in one NBA game, for the Clippers in 2010. He was on the floor for four seconds. But some names are too sleek to ignore and too rare to forget.
Duop Reath
82. Duop Reath
Breathtaking. An ode to truth.
81. Cartier Martin
This is an expensive handle right here. The letters are wrapped in gator skin. You want this name? Well, friend, it’s gonna cost you a nice chunk of change. Turn in a birth certificate today with Cartier as the first name, the hospital will charge you $1.2 million on the spot. In January 2027, that same name will run you somewhere in the neighborhood of $1.8 million, with some skeptics saying it could reach as high as $2.4 million.
80. Tang Hamilton
See, yes. This is what I’m talking about. Yes. Exactly.
79. Yao Ming
A name that isn’t gonna waste your time with bullshit pleasantries. Enough small talk. This name gets down to business.
78. Pascal Siakam
Much like the player himself, this name is a superstar hiding in plain sight. We’re talking about a wildly underrated group of letters here. An out-and-out delight. A privilege to type.
77. Tiago Splitter
Fresh out of a Wu-Tang name generator, this handle brings notes of [roundhouse kick to the chest]. Tiago Splitter is the name of a formidable villain in a karate cartoon, and that is one of the nicest things you can say about a person. He has supernatural powers. His tears turn to knives.
Dirk Nowitzki
76. Dirk Nowitzki
The name arrives in glitter and jeans. It carries a sword.
75. Sebastian Telfair
A princely name. It wears a crown. It likes horses and singing. A name that is extremely “Bring me pinot and four lamb shanks.”
74. Primoz Brezec
If your first name has a z in it, you are working with something special, and your parents should be praised.
73. Bonzi Wells
I’m not sure why, but if someone is named Bonzi, there’s a 100 percent chance I’ll like the person. It is a name I want to root for. It’s a name so good, he should’ve been able to put that on the back of his jersey instead of Wells. The league should move to adopt this new way of doing things immediately and with minimal pushback. Michael Jordan would’ve kept Jordan, but Kobe would’ve put Kobe back there.
72. Shabazz Napier
To say it is to party. The name has an ethos: Tonight, we dance.
71. Luc Mbah a Moute
Gets more beautiful by the syllable. A towering achievement.
70. Admiral Schofield
[Heavy rain, eyes glassed with tears, saluting.]
69. Pops Mensah-Bonsu
A grand swoop. Maximum versatility. A name that could make you happy to be alive. Or it could land like a truck to the mouth. This name is a carnival. This name outruns bears.
Quincy Pondexter
68. Quincy Pondexter
A name that wears suspenders but makes them look good. You go up to him at the reception and you say, “Dude, the suspenders? Hell yes. Where do you get them?” The answer was a store, its name I can’t remember. There was an animal and a tree in its name? I want to say Buffalo and Pine? The Oak and the Bobcat? Capybaras in Aspens?
67. Jamaree Bouyea
So much talent here. When I see Jamaree Bouyea, I see two things: One, I see something beautiful. Two, I see another in an unending list of reasons why I wish Stuart Scott were still here. The meal he would’ve made out of this name could’ve fed billions.
66. Eduardo Najera
Sí, claro.
65. LeBron James
Salman Rushdie once said, “Names, once they are in common use, quickly become mere sounds, their etymology being buried, like so many of earth’s marvels, beneath the dust of habit.” LeBron’s been so famous for so long that we forget what an amazing name LeBron is. A singular handle for a singular player. Don’t take LeBron James’s name for granted.
64. Shamorie Ponds
Water is our most precious natural resource.
63. Leon Powe
Leon is quietly one of the finest first names we have. Combine that with the symmetry, four letters in both names, and this is a minimalist masterpiece.
62. Nenê
Nenê is so powerful it just drowns out everything else. The first name arrives with such force you’re just like, Yeah, I got it. And that’s saying something when he’s sitting on a last name like Hilario. This isn’t Schitt. This is a name with some flair that brings something significant to the table, and Nenê renders it absolutely useless. Round of applause for Brazil.
Victor Wembanyama
61. Victor Wembanyama
What Victor lacks, Wembanyama more than makes up for. Big name for a big man. Really, the entire beginning of the name is just a runway for the “yama” at the end. “Yama” is a remarkable close, especially coming off the excitement of something like “Wemb.” You get to the end of “Wemb,” and you’re like, where are we going with this, we’re backed into a corner, how can we get somewhere cool from here? Then the “yama” comes in and delivers the knockout blow, and everything falls into place. Aesthetically, it’s fun to see a tall person’s last name have so many short letters, with the b and the y doing their own thing, mirroring each other in their stretching.
60. Jalen Rose
The original, the standard. A pioneer. A name that started a movement. The first Jalen ever and one of the most influential names in the history of not just basketball, but all sports. Where he went, thousands have followed. There are 11 Jalens in the league right now.
59. Leandro Barbosa
A three-tiered waterfall of a name.
58. Alonzo Gee
He could tour on his name alone. I’d pay $10 just to see it on a marquee. Devil’s advocate: That’s ridiculous. Me: OK, but what you’re forgetting is that the letters would be really big. Big and bright, which are the two most important qualities in the world when talking about primo, bleeding-edge, state-of-the-art name displays.
57. Caron Butler
[Raising toothpick.] Hell yeah, brother.
56. Mo Bamba
A movement unto itself. See One Battle After Another today.
55. Speedy Claxton
Ice cream on a summer day.
Thon Maker tries to get off a shot next to Kyle Lowry
54. Thon Maker
One of the hardest names of all time. A declaration of authority.
53. Sindarius Thornwell
The kind of name that arrives wearing a tie. One of the fun features of this name is that every time you write it, an ascot appears around your neck. The design changes from person to person, with no two designs the same. Mine is more purple than burgundy, paisleys all over it, feathers from galaxies unknown. I’m talking space feathers.
52. Cuttino Mobley
A name you can prance to.
51. Baron Davis
A name you should bow to.
50. Fab Melo
A shooting star of a name. A name with style. A name with sass.
49. Corliss Williamson
A name made of steel, flint, and Corinthian leather. It smells like a fire.
48. Rex Chapman
Rex makes me think of dinosaurs, and dinosaurs are fun to think about.
47. Facundo Campazzo
Electrifying name. So electrifying that when I say “electrifying” in my brain, I add extra e's to the beginning. EEEEElectrifying name. Sparks spit from the mouth. You’re not allowed to speak it in areas where burn bans are in effect. The letters bring too much heat.
46. Chuck Hayes
A name like an ox. A steady name. One you can count on. This is a name with health insurance and dental. He drives an old VW Rabbit with over 200,000 miles on it. Too many names these days don’t mean anything, but this one is a welcome exception. Chuck Hayes means “the steady hum of the tide.” It is synonymous with “ocean” and “infinity.”
45. Tony Romo
Due to its proximity to Tony Roma’s, which is a fun restaurant to reference when out with friends.
44. Carlos Delfino
A name that just sashays its way around the room.
Samaki Walker, surrounded by Lakers players
43. Samaki Walker
A stone-cold classic. Makes you smile just saying it. Also holds the distinction of being the NBA name that sounds most like a linebacker's.
42. Carmelo Anthony
A name so known and so smooth, you need only say the first. Madonna once said, “I sometimes think I was born to live up to my name. How could I be anything else but what I am, having been named Madonna? I would either have ended up a nun or this.” I think that’s true for many of the players on this list. Carmelo had to be a major NBA player. He would either have ended up that or a milliner to the stars, designing and purveying men’s and women’s luxury hats to our nation’s deepest pocketbooks. The name made it so.
41. Latrell Sprewell
One of the finest rhyming names in NBA history. To say it is to make music.
40. Dikembe Mutombo
Some names just have all the fun. There are no weaknesses here. Every letter is operating at the top of its game. A name that reaffirms the mission. This is why we do this. This is what it’s all about.
39. Tracy McGrady
Fucking stunning.
38. Yuta Watanabe
The beauty overwhelms, frankly, and the name has rhythm. An undeniable and explosive sexiness to the combination here. Yuta Watanabe. Is that name or a warm embrace?
Yves Pons
37. Yves Pons
Do you think you have any right to even look at the name Yves Pons? You think your earthly eyes can handle that amount of glow? Not I. The first time I heard the name Yves Pons, I assumed, correctly, that he is my superior in both mind and body. He’s probably royalty, too. I have not even researched him. I respect his privacy too much.
36. Iman Shumpert
His name could be a fragrance. A fine wine. A prayer.
35. Rakeem Christmas
It’s a wonderful feeling. With the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling.
34. Bam Adebayo
Another name that qualifies for the Bimbo Coles Provision and an absolute powerhouse. It’s a very physical name. It gets after you.
33. Quincy Acy
Nothing flashy, nothing fancy, just parents operating at the peak of their powers, their ears tuned to the divine. The “-cy” “-cy” repetition at the end of both names is really a great time. Catch this name on the right night and it can go toe-to-toe with any handle in the world.
32. Rodrigue Beaubois
A name so gorgeous, it probably contributed to Mark Cuban holding on to him for way too long. To part with something so beautiful, that’s a pain I hope I never know.
31. Vladimir Radmanovic
If these rankings were based purely on the experience of saying the name out loud, Radmanovic would be no. 1 in a landslide. What a pleasure to say alone in your car. What a pleasure to say amongst friends. The name resolves itself. It handles its own business and leaves no loose ends.
Bismack Biyombo
30. Bismack Biyombo
[Sets screen.]
29. LaPhonso Ellis
[Pounds chest.]
28. Nando De Colo
More anthem than name. A gift to the world. A grand statement. A promise: You are never alone.
27. Voshon Lenard
Made with premium materials and loving hands. A name with no scuff marks, no damage of any kind. A name as fresh today as it was when he first entered the league.
26. Sim Bhullar
Generational ability. High ceiling, high floor, shows some nice change of direction. Unhinged beauty. To go from a b to an h with no off-ramp takes Nitro Circus guts. The letters need to get stronger, but that comes with time.
25. Fabricio Oberto
Sometimes you just have it. Fabricio Oberto. This is the name of an angel. A really cool angel who drives a four-wheeler and wears sunglasses inside.
Othyus Jeffers
24. Othyus Jeffers
Quietly one of our most premium names. Really impressive out of the gate. So much burst. Fades a little near the end, but at its peak, it’s a wonder to behold.
23. Khem Birch
You tell me, sight unseen, that someone is named Khem Birch, and I just assume that person can beat me senseless. A name that will walk right through you. A name like an almighty golden fist. A name with abs.
22. Stanislav Medvedenko
Obviously Slava’s a heavy hitter. The kind of name that comes with a bottle of vodka, a sledgehammer, and a cabana on the Ukrainian sand.
21. Antonio McDyess
A name you can build a house on. No clue why some fragrance Goliath hasn’t reached out and worked on a scent. Call it Antonio McDyess. Dress the letters in gold bands. “Darling, could you hand me my McDyess?” At what point did some genius member of his family change the pronunciation to McDice, because they deserve their flowers. They made a better future for the ones who came after them.
20. Ish Smith
A slant rhyme that gives you the feeling of the real thing. This name is a burst of life. It is a flower that blooms for a day and dies. As soon as it starts it ends, its beauty fleeting, and always gone far too soon.
19. Stacey Augmon
A name’s name. One of elegance and discernment. A name that makes you put your hand over your heart and close your eyes.
Toumani Camara
18. Toumani Camara
Graceful, smooth, playful. Total package. Where are you vacationing? Toumani Camara. The all new Toumani Camara can reach speeds over 250 mph. Have you seen the new Toumani Camara fall line? Breathtaking. They’re doing some really exciting things with pants.
17. Bill Curley
The fastest gun in the West. A name that arrives in a cowboy hat and tips the brim. Spurs jingle off the y. This name knows the words to every Bob Wills song and hates the mall. It will go if it has to, but all it will do is sit in a massage chair and eat breadsticks from Sbarro’s. It might walk into Lids if the Lids is empty.
16. Nick Van Exel
A well-deployed x is exhilarating. This is a letter that has really come into its own throughout the years, and Simmons was right; it is the most dangerous letter. Gives you a lot of range, a lot of fun places to go. Add in the Van, and we’re in rarefied air.
15. Cleanthony Early
A legend. A sonnet. One of the greatest names to ever do it. I see it and fall to my knees. God is good.
14. Jamario Moon
A name that takes you to the cosmos, hands you a beer, and just cruises around, man. One of only two names to leave our solar system.
13. Royal Ivey
Pronounced Royale because he says so. Premium luxury, maximum relaxation. Bowls of fruit all over the place, steak knives with handles made of wild boar tusk, bathroom sinks with fancy pebbles over the drain. It costs $5 to look at this name.
This is a name lush with many gardens. Say it three times, and velvet slippers appear on your feet. On one slipper: your initials monogrammed gold, in outrageous calligraphic hand. On the other: “I’m Boss Hogg on candy.”
Bo Outlaw drives past Antoine Walker
12. Bo Outlaw
I know I wrote, “This is what it’s all about” for Mutumbo, but I take that back. Bo Outlaw? This is what it’s all about. I don’t know what indie bands are doing these days. We used to have Band of Horses writing “Detlef Schrempf.” You’re telling me there’s not someone out there with the wherewithal to incorporate “Bo Outlaw” into their oeuvre? At the very least, some forward-thinking artist could scoop up an old Bo Outlaw jersey and wear it backward.
(It should be noted that while Bo passes with honors, Travis Outlaw doesn’t quite make the cut. It was close and Travis is a fine name, but it doesn’t reach the heights Bo does. Travis does its job. It doesn’t let Outlaw down one bit, but it also doesn’t make Outlaw better. Bo elevates Outlaw all the way to the top 15.)
11. Von Wafer
One of the foundational basketball names of the 21st century. We will never forget everything it’s given us. Made a genuine run at no. 1 and on the right day could’ve very well found itself at the top of the mountain. Impossible to overstate its influence.
10. Don Reid
An athletic, versatile name that gets results. You won’t find a more flexible name. It’s malleable without losing strength. You can’t pin it down. Don Reid can be a stoic nobleman. Don Reid can retile your kitchen. Don Reid can tell you an astonishing amount of information about the hunting habits of wolves. Don Reid can go quadruple platinum. Don Reid can say, “Well yeehaw and fry my chicken! How we doin’ today, friends?! Don Reid here for Don Reid Autos, the most premium autos you ever did see. Amigos, let me tell you something. Savings, savings, savings, savings. We got Fords, Jeeps, Rams, and treats. Come on down this weekend, we’ve got Ralph Pie and the Texas Waddlers performing live Saturday and Sunday. Free popcorn, hot dog, and a cold beverage with the purchase of any vehicle.”
9. Othella Harrington
A symphonic master class, a pink sunset, an art piece. It’s not just a name, it’s a call to arms, a call for change, a call for people to wear cool shoes and cool jackets.
8. Hakeem Olajuwon
A lyrical flourish. A warm name, wrapped in swaddling clothes and rainbow lights. It’s a name that comes with its own forward momentum. A kinetic name, a name that says: Here comes the show. And the show will be historic, and you will have no words for it. Hakeem Olajuwon is to names what dance is to movement. A name so light on its letters that it doesn’t have to touch the ground. If the name stays still, it’s because it wants to. Because this name is not bound by the physical. It does not operate as our names do. It’s much more abstract, bound by nothing, and stronger than time. It can float where it pleases and adapt to all situations, the letters unmooring themselves from papers and screens and jerseys. The name has the malleability of a dream. Speak it, and anything is possible.
Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje
7. Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje
Pronounced BOOM-shay BOOM-shay, and thank God. That’s the best possible way you could say this name. Your last name is pronounced BOOM-shay BOOM-shay, you’re the coolest guy in 99.9 percent of the rooms you walk in. Do you know how excited I would be if my name were Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje? You couldn’t get me to stop saying it.
My name is Tyler Parker, and even I can’t type that without yawning. Tyler Parker is beyond boring, OK? It’s white socks, plain bagels, and hitting the snooze button. Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje, this is a name that has to run five miles every morning or else it gets fussy. This name gets its letters on you and squeezes. The letters are formidable and much bigger in person. You go where they please.
6. Kerry Kittles
A white tiger. The snow is quiet. Ice falls and kills you.
5. Stromile Swift
A name made of the world’s finest wind. This isn’t your average run-of-the-mill breeze. This is a level of wind that could power Rhode Island for seven years. Stromile Swift. I try to write the name, and the letters are so fast they run off before I can get them in their correct place. It’s taken me three weeks to write this blurb, most of that time spent tracking down the w in Swift. I had no idea a name could be a twitchy athlete. A name the other names look up to. They get together for drinks and shake their heads at the latest exploits of Stromile Swift.
4. DeMar DeRozan
A unicorn. It’s so rare to see four capital letters in a name that when you come across one in the wild, it feels like the universe reaching out to give you a gift. The “De” start on the first and last name is inspired, a hulking echo used casually. Throw in a crucially timed z near the end, and you’re in rarefied air. A name like this could be in your face about its style and really try to throw its weight around. DeMar DeRozan is smarter than that. The letter combinations are deeply self-assured and confident in who they are and what they do. The name doesn’t need to get loud about what it’s capable of. We read it and know. We are dealing with one of them ones, a name that can do anything.
A quiet colossus of a name. One of the best America has ever produced and a wondrous piece of design. When you speak the name, someone somewhere in the world, maybe someone you know, hits a leaning 16-footer after three shot fakes. They also get the and-1. Say it now. Give the gift of buckets.
3. Olden Polynice
How powerful is this name? Have you heard of the Pacific Ocean? This name has that kind of power, and more. A brawny name so strong in its convictions it could say the word and swallow California. Fortunately, it is a gentle giant. A pure, softhearted destroyer of formality. This is a name that wants to take its shoes off, sit back, and plow a few margaritas. It wants to show you something it saw on YouTube the other day. A behind-the-scenes video of Stevie Nicks singing “Wild Heart” while someone does her makeup.
2. Mookie Blaylock
A name that could lead a nation, a name that could save us. I’m always in awe every time I encounter it in the wild. Such a special name. Nothing else like it. It’s got moves no other name has. The menu of its abilities is extensive. Looks like the menu at a Cheesecake Factory, which means it’s the length of a large short-story collection.
Before Pearl Jam were Pearl Jam, they were called Mookie Blaylock. Eddie and the fellas have typically pulled the right strings throughout their careers, but what a swing and a miss here. Mookie Blaylock was perfect. Look how good it looks. Mookie Blaylock. It’s not that Pearl Jam is a bad name. It’s a good name. The issue is, Mookie Blaylock’s a generational name. And if you’re changing your name from Mookie Blaylock to something else, you’re hustling in the wrong direction.
Vonteego Cummings drives past Allen Iverson in 2001
1. Vonteego Cummings
Vonteego Cummings. I don’t think we as a society have done enough to earn the existence of a name so profoundly beautiful, so deeply cool, so impossibly silky. This is the smoothest name I’ve ever heard? Satin is bumpier. This is a name with a resting heartbeat of 30. These waters are glass.
Vonteego makes me think of Key Largo, Montego, Kokomo. It makes me think of taking it slow, going where I want to go, and palm trees. The name Vonteego Cummings is rushed by no one. It plays at its own pace and by its own rules. It is a yacht that moves like a dolphin.
What else to say about perfection? Vonteego Cummings. The capital V hits the ignition, then we rest on the n for a moment before “teego” smooves us into the water. Look how good it looks when it’s italicized—Vonteego Cummings. An undeniable juggernaut, a physical marvel of a handle, but you don’t even notice the power half the time because you’re just in awe of the fluidity, how smooth it is in action. Vonteego Cummings. It sounds like a name from the future. It sounds like a name from the past. It sounds like a sax. It sounds like a spell. It sounds like the best NBA name of the quarter century.
