The Most Jay Cutler Thing That Jay Cutler Did on ‘Very Cavallari’: Week 9

All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get started.

Vacation Jay Cutler: A Breakdown

This week, we rejoined Kristin and Jay Cutler where we left them: In the Mexican dreamland known as Cabo San Lucas. Last episode, the couple had decamped to Cabo for Part 1 of their vacation, the “couples only” portion that included a sunset boat trip, a spa day, and Jay Cutler wearing a tiny robe. This episode was Part 2 (2 Cabo 2 Furious), the turnt portion of the vacation. It’s safe to say Jay Cutler was more comfortable with Part 1.

Even before Kristin Cavallari’s wild-ass friends arrived, Jay laid out his ideal vacation: “Play in the water, splash around, have a few drinks, call it a day.” Very Cavallari did not capture Jay Cutler “splashing around”; luckily, this has been done in the past:

That’s a man in his element. Peak Vacation Jay.

Jay Cutler: He’s a Dog

Jay Cutler’s Meat, Coming Soon

Jay Cutler may have finally settled on what he wants to do post-retirement—or Kristin just pestered him with this idea so frequently that he gave in and eventually adopted it as his own (this is what happens 99 percent of the time in most marriages). After much talk, Jay Cutler is apparently going to open a butcher shop.

This is a terrific idea. Jay Cutler is a man who first appeared on Very Cavallari toting a cooler full of elk meat; in one episode in Season 2, he and his friend ground up more than a hundred pounds of meat—just for fun; the man owns a shirt that says “100% Vegan Free.” Meat is his true calling. He was born not to be an NFL quarterback, but to butcher cows and sell sirloin.

Also, Kristin has already decided that the butcher shop is going to be called Cuts, which is honestly pretty inspired.

“How involved do you want to be in your business?” Kristin asks, understandably skeptical since she just witnessed this man do nothing but sit around the house and watch deer cams for the past two years.

“Oh, I’m gonna be micromanaging the shit out of people,” he responds.

Can Season 3 of Very Cavallari move away from the drama at Uncommon James and instead focus on whatever is happening at Cuts? Can this show pivot to just being 45 minutes of Jay Cutler grinding meat and answering someone’s question about what the best beef for tacos is? Or maybe I can just go work at Cuts? Jay Cutler, if you’re reading this, I’m willing to uproot my entire life to become an employee at Cuts.

How Jay Cutler Rides a Bus

Seems normal.

A Laguna Beach–Related Aside

I know I never write about anything non-Jay in these recaps, but one moment in this episode cannot go unacknowledged. Preparing to hit the Cabo clubs, Kristin’s friend Biegs says to her, “I hope tonight we can all just, like, be. You deserve, like, to have the best night, and to get really drunk and dance in cages and dance on tables.”

Now, I can’t say for sure that this is a direct reference to the Cabo episode of Laguna Beach, in which Kristin was basically crucified for dancing on a table—quick recap: Stephen Colletti and Lauren Conrad labeled Kristin a slut, and the show was like, “Yeah, cool, she is,” because it was the early 2000s—but if it is, hell yes. Someone has needed to say this for 15 YEARS. OK, Laguna Beach–related aside over.

Jay Cutler Can’t Hang

Fulfilling Biegs’s hopes, Kristin does get really drunk and dance in a cage during their night out in Cabo—as is her right; go to hell, Stephen Colletti. Jay Cutler, on the other hand? Not great at nightclubs. While Kristin and all her friends are shown going absolutely nuts, Jay Cutler hardly ever makes it on screen. Just as I started to wonder, “Did Jay bail?” Very Cavallari included this quick shot of him looking pretty banged up:

Then, as the general raucousness continued, one friend asked, “Did Jay leave?” No, sir. Jay did not leave. He just went to the bar to stare blankly at a menu:

Then, as Kristin and her friends spilled out onto the Cabo streets—where the group proceeded to behave as every group that leaves a club after drinking for hours on end: messily—the camera cut to Jay Cutler, who, for some reason, was meandering around by himself on the other side of the street?

This looks legitimately worrisome. Look at those people hounding Jay Cutler. Did he know where he was? This is how fights start.

“Jay loves to have a good time,” Kristin said in a confessional voice-over. “But when he’s had enough, he’s had enough. … Jay is either leading the charge, or he can’t keep up.”

It is clear which camp he fell into this time.

I Don’t Even Know What to Label This Section

Kristin Cavallari has zero chill. She has openly discussed how Jay Cutler became good at oral sex by reading an article in GQ; she has proudly spoken about she and Jay Cutler sat in on each other’s colonics. And drinking heavily with her friends in Cabo during this episode, she went on multiple TMI tangents. Jay Cutler seemed pretty thrilled about it:

Most egregious was Kristin’s story about how, after the birth of one of her children, her milk ducts clogged—and Jay Cutler had to unclog them by sucking, really hard. To be fair, though, it was actually Jay Cutler who started this conversation by blurting out in the middle of dinner: “Breast milk is where it’s at, though.” I repeat:

Breast milk is where it’s at.

For some reason he elaborated on this: “It’s sweet,” he says, without one shred of irony in his voice. “But once it unclogs, it does, it’s just like [whoosh sound].” Thankfully, Jay Cutler also included hand gestures during this presentation:

I just—what am I watching?

The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week

There was a lot of good stuff to choose from in this episode—the butcher shop, the breast milk, Jay Cutler wincing at the thought of drinking tequila:

I’m telling you, Cabo is where reality TV gold is mined.

But the Most Jay Cutler Moment this week, above all things, was the guy’s body language while bungee jumping:

He just flops on out there like a fish! And he doesn’t make a sound! Jay Cutler, cool as a cucumber … or maybe technically dead.

One more week to go—see you back here to talk about the finale of Season 2 of Very Cavallari.