All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get started.
The Jay Cutler Shot of the Week
God bless whatever cameraperson who was like, “I better zoom in on Jay Cutler’s drink right now.” It’s because of them that we have this long shot of Jay Cutler attempting to murder a lemon:
St. Cutler’s Fire
Early in the episode, Jay Cutler starts a fire in his home—and no, though you may expect that Jay Cutler would accidentally set his house ablaze, this was on purpose and in a fireplace. Though it should be noted based on the way Kristin reacts—with much ceremony—that this appears to be the first time Jay has ever attempted to make a fire in his house. He starts small:
Just two logs, huh? OK.
For much of the scene, things do not go very well for this fire:
That’s just sad. The low ambition signaled by Jay’s low log count has manifested in a depressingly small flame. Jay Cutler ought to be penalized two (2) flannel shirts for this. At some point though, someone—either Jay Cutler himself or a burlier, more fire-experienced lad—staged triage on the fireplace, because in subsequent shots that thing is raging:
It took a while to heat up, but we got there—sort of like Jay Cutler’s career in Chicago. Overall I give this fire a B; I’m willing to give Jay back one (1) of his flannels.
Bad Blood, Very Cavallari Edition
This doesn’t have anything to do with Jay, but I just wanted to point out that this is some real “Elizabeth Holmes pretending to be Steve Jobs” shit.
The Return of the Deer Cams
Sound the freaking alarms: THE DEER CAMS ARE BACK, BABY! A refresher if you need it (though, honestly, how dare you forget?): Last season on Very Cavallari, the extent of Jay Cutler’s participation early on was almost entirely focused on his obsession with watching deer cams. The guy had MULTIPLE memory cards full of deer-cam footage, and he was just ripping through that shit like game tape (OK, bad analogy here; Jay Cutler has definitely watched more deer tape in his life than game tape). He had grown particularly fond of one deer he had named Dale.
Since that time, the Cutlers moved, and we hadn’t really been given any updates on Dale, let alone on the deer cams in general. But Sunday night they were back, as Jay proudly announced to his friend Chuy:
The reason for this, however, isn’t exactly deer-related. “There is a couple coyotes running around back there,” Jay says. “And I kinda wanna see what time they’re cruising through.” He says this in a tone that indicates that he would very much like to kill said coyotes. It’s a little scary. But I have a question: Is it still a deer cam if its primary objective is to watch coyotes? Is it not a coyote cam, at that point? Is “deer cam” the accepted, universal term in the animal voyeur community?
And also, what’s going on with this outfit?
You didn’t think I was gonna let that slide, did you?
The Jay Cutler Quote of the Week
As we’ve covered before, Jay Cutler’s managerial philosophy boils down to firing people. There’s no problem in business that can’t be solved by terminating someone’s position, as far as Jay Cutler is concerned. He espoused this belief yet again Sunday, after Kristin complained that her staff was too caught up in personal drama (that she started, but whatever, semantics). “Cut the head off the snake,” Jay said, before pausing. “There’s something else that goes with that line. I just don’t know it.”
That “something else” Jay is referring to is “... and the body will die.” He gets kind of close to nailing it seconds later by saying, “The snake dies, essentially.” But can I posit that Jay Cutler doesn’t quite understand this idiom? It basically means that the easiest way to solve a problem is to take aim at the source of it—often the one in charge, who is most responsible for the problem’s existence. In Jay Cutler’s case, that means … his best advice is that Kristin Cavallari, his wife, should fire herself. I’m not so sure that’s what he meant to say, but I do agree with the assessment. Kristin is not a good boss. Just last episode she had to have Jay Cutler explain to her how org charts work.
Jay Cutler: Very Into Dating Apps
Jay Cutler has been in a relationship with Kristin Cavallari since 2010. Tinder became popular in 2014. That means Jay Cutler never got the opportunity to use dating apps. Which means a couple of things: (1) that we unfortunately never got to see a Jay Cutler Tinder profile (His bio, if I had to guess: “Don’t care”) and (2) that Jay Cutler is very eager to vicariously use dating apps. MORE THAN ONCE in this episode he recommends dating apps to various people. “Don’t they have, like, apps?” Jay Cutler asks Chuy, coyly, as if he doesn’t know that they have, like, apps. “I feel like you just gotta get on some apps and get out there and do it.”
“I feel like there’s a lot of things on your phone,” Jay later says to Kristin’s friend Kelly—once again, coyly, as if he doesn’t know what apps are. “Aren’t you on some of the, like, dating things?”
Jay’s pro-dating-apps stance is really a matter of analytics, it turns out. It’s all about maximizing opportunity. “The course that you’re on, you’re gonna meet x amount of guys,” Jay Cutler explains. “The course that we’re trying to get you on, we’re gonna meet 10x.” You can’t argue with this. Jay Cutler is a numbers guy. Somebody please invite him to Sloan next year so that he can do a presentation on Tinder Sabermetrics.
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
When I saw this photo on Instagram in December …
... never in my wildest dreams did I think that it would show up in an episode of Very Cavallari. But sometimes good things happen in this world, because check this shit out:
They’re just grinding more than a hundred pounds of meat. AS ONE DOES.
“This isn’t Jay’s first sausage fest,” the meat-grinder guy says, which compels Jay to turn to his friend Chuy, who is gay, and remark, “This probably isn’t your first sausage fest either,” while twirling a piece of raw meat.
“Jay hunts, so I guess meat is important to him?” Kristin muses in a confessional cutaway. “He has all kinds of meat, so he needs something to do with that meat.” And that right there is perhaps the most apt assessment ever made of Jay Cutler. I need that tattooed on my forehead. I need it on an inspirational poster. Actually, here—I made one myself:
The gifts of this show are never-ending. May it never end.