All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get started.
Jay Cutler’s Box of Eggs
Jay Cutler is the proud owner of at least six chickens. He named one, whom he briefly mistook for a hen before realizing it was a rooster, Blooms. His house in Nashville is fully equipped with a nesting area:
The guy is well stocked with chickens, is what I’m saying. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t use more chickens. Which is why he sent away for some extremely sketchy-looking eggs:
This is the most Craigslist-ass-looking box of eggs I’ve ever seen. It’s just a USPS package that someone wrote “Eggs” on. You know you’re in a real weird place in life when you start getting shipments like this. Who is Jay’s egg guy? Should he get a new one? I think yes.
“We have enough eggs,” says Kristin, correctly.
“Yeah, but we don’t have this color egg,” Jay snaps back. This is pretty difficult logic to argue—either because it doesn’t make sense or because I don’t know enough about how egg colors correspond with the resulting chickens. Either way, Jay is clearly just an egg hoarder bringing in eggs from god knows where, and I’m OK with that.
Imagining Jay Cutler’s Trip to Carrie Underwood’s
Early in the episode, Jay pops in on Kristin while she is packaging some Uncommon James supplies. He first becomes weirdly enamored of whatever this is:
Is it a wine chiller? That would track with Jay Cutler’s previous displays of oenophilia. But that’s neither here nor there, because the real gem is when Kristin shows him a product from her baby line and says, “It’s for Carrie Underwood. I’m gonna need you to take it over there for me.”
So, yeah, HOLD UP. Are Jay Cutler and Carrie Underwood close like that? Is Jay a real “Cry Pretty” kind of dude? Is Jay boys with Mike Fisher, Carrie’s husband and a longtime Nashville Predator? Or is this just what being famous in Nashville is like? The second you move there and reach a certain level of status, all of the other famous Nashville people just give you keys to their houses?
I will be forever angry at Very Cavallari for not filming Jay Cutler swinging by Carrie Underwood’s house to drop off some baby clothes. I can’t even imagine what he’d say when she answers the door. (“Uh, hey. I, uh, got some baby shit here.”) But I also would have really liked to see how big her farm is, and how many chickens she owns. (I just assume all rich people in Nashville own farms.) And I would’ve really loved to watch Jay and Mike Fisher venture into the woods wearing matching camo onesies with a bottle of red to talk about how extremely blond and skinny their wives are.
The Most Jay Cutler Quote of the Week
Jay Cutler is picking up sticks around his yard, like a real dad. “There’s so many sticks,” Jay Cutler says, easily impressed. That’s when Kristin drops in to be like, “So you’re just gonna pick up sticks all day?” And that’s when Jay Cutler drops one of my favorite lines on the show far:
“Someone has to.”
The only people who use this line are superheroes from Netflix’s Defenders franchise and Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. But now we can add Jay Cutler talking about sticks to the list.
This is very noteworthy though, because this whole stick conversation leads to one of the biggest revelations on Very Cavallari so far …
Drumroll Please …
Jay Cutler wants to go back to work! Not, like, play football—I don’t think—but he wants to actually apply himself and do something instead of loafing around a Nashville farm all day, building up his chicken reserves. This is a huge change. Recall in the first episode of this show, when Kristin recommended that Jay Cutler get a new job or hobby in retirement and he uttered the most apt, hilarious thing in response: “I’m not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking to do the exact opposite of that.” Well, now Jay’s looking to do the exact opposite of that!
“You know, I enjoy, like, being around the kids, hanging out with you—like it was fun,” he says to Kristin. “But I do feel like I need to start trying to figure … something out. Just can’t keep picking sticks up.”
And then he adds: “Well, I’ll probably still pick sticks up, but I could pick the sticks up and then go do something.” Please note that while he’s saying all of this, he’s taking an extremely wide stance:
That’s how you know he means it.
I’m proud of Jay. This is a really big step in his life. I’m also extremely curious to see what he means by “do something.” Ya know, I have heard that Monday Night Football is looking for a replacement …
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
If you’re reading this blog, you’ve probably heard the Jay Cutler “Doooon’t care” story (TLDR: Jay Cutler yelled that to a fan who tried to approach him in a bathroom). That story has never been confirmed, but if you’ve watched a second of Very Cavallari, you know that it’s obviously true—Jay Cutler, in general, doesn’t care, a stance he makes clear to most of the people in his life.
So when you meet Jay Cutler, don’t do what Jared did:
Jay Cutler’s sequence of reactions is something to behold:
Sorry, Jared, but to put it in Jay Cutler’s own words: Doooon’t care.