All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get started with the Season 2 premiere of Very Cavallari. Welcome back, Jay. We missed you so much.
What’s Jay Cutler Been Up To?
When we parted ways with Jay last August, Kristin had just opened her store in Nashville—which did not go well, by the way; I’m eternally dubious about Kristin’s skills as a project manager—and Jay had outlined some goals for the offseason:
- “Got a move I gotta finish up.”
- “Gotta, uh, get my garden going.”
- That’s it.
Did he accomplish those goals? Well, I know for sure they moved into their new house, so at the very least he went 1-for-2. A 50 percent completion rate isn’t good enough to be an NFL starter, but neither is Jay, so whatever.
There is no evidence that Jay “got a garden going” in these intervening months—but there is ample evidence that he grew out his hair and lived the fuck out his life:
And that’s it. It’s impressive how little news there’s been on this guy in the past six months. But I think that’s the way he wants it. Obsolescence is bliss, ya know? Some people want him to pull a Jason Witten, but there’s no way that’ll ever happen, no matter which version of Witten you’re talking about. He ain’t spending his Mondays in a booth with Gene Steratore and he’s definitely not going back to play football again. There is too much deer meat to grind.
Jay Cutler’s Animals: An Updated Taxonomy
The first shots of the second season are of Kristin and Jay’s new house, which they proudly call a farm. And even though this “farm” is a mega-mansion that appears to be made out of plastic, it is sitting on 10 acres of property—and Jay Cutler has filled every acre with animals. By my count there is this chicken:
… these five other chickens:
… these two dogs and one goat:
… this other, tinier dog:
… and this Jay Cutler:
That is a lot of animals—and I’m accounting only for the ones shown on screen. There are undoubtedly thousands of goldfish in that house.
Anyway, we learn that one of these chickens is named Blooms. And while that is an interesting name to give a chicken, I’m mostly intrigued by it because it means that all the chickens have names. I would like to know what they are, immediately. Why was there not a scene documenting Jay Cutler naming up to six chickens?
You should also know that by the end of this episode, Jay threatens to murder Blooms, because as it turns out, Blooms is a rooster, not a hen, and Jay “has no use for boys.”
I’m thrilled to see Jay hasn’t lost it—and by “it” I mean “a penchant for killing his pets.”
An Answer to the Question “What’s Jay Cutler Been Up To?”
Early on, Kristin generously reveals how Jay has been spending his time. Here’s what she says:
- “He mows the lawn.”
- “He’s been planting trees.”
- “He tends to the chickens and the goats and the dogs.”
- “And he just kinda … hangs out.”
So there you have it: In retirement, Jay Cutler has become Hagrid from Harry Potter.
A Word on Jay Cutler’s Beard
The Hagrid thing is barely a joke—my man is getting hairy.
That thing is thick. And notice the neck; notice how far it goes down, and how it’s equally as thick on his neck as it is on his face. This is not the beard of a man who grew it because GQ told him to; this is the beard of a man who simply decided to never pick up a razor again. Jay Cutler did No-Shave November and then forgot that there were other months in the year besides November.
It looks glorious in front of a fire:
And even more glorious when Jay Cutler is doing his version of sexy talk in front of a fire:
Jay Cutler Found This Cool Stick
Kristin is very proud:
Jay Cutler Meets a Llama
So, a thing I learned from this episode about the Nashville celebrity scene is that they just … trade farm animals between one another? Kristin goes to Luke Bryan and Caroline Boyer’s farm, which is the Michael Jordan of farms, by the way—they have multiple kangaroos???
The country music scene is wild, man.
So, Kristin falls in love with this llama named Pekka, and Caroline’s just like, “Hey wanna take my llama for a couple days?” which is a very normal thing to offer, apparently. At first, Jay is wary about the llama, but this is just his ritual: First, he acts standoffish, guarding his feelings; then, he grows to love the animal, for he has more in common with it than any human; and then eventually, after much time has passed, he plots its death.
Things go to form with the llama—Jay pretends to not be interested, but in no time he’s asking about how much llamas spit, an act of aggression he is, quote, “OK with.” He takes great joy in watching Pekka the llama wrestle with Pepper the goat. “I’ll watch this all day,” he says, which I fully believe because (a) Jay Cutler has all day to watch goat-llama fights and (b) as we’ve established, Jay Cutler is very much interested in animals dying.
So pleased with this experience, Jay is determined to acquire the llama. “Maybe we try to trade Pepper for Pekka,” Kristin suggests. “We’ll throw in one chicken and Pepper,” Jay counters. And … I guess this is just a thing rich people in Nashville do? Just exchange farm animals whenever the mood strikes? I feel bad for Pepper. Pepper, WAKE UP! They sold you for $50 and a case of Heineken!
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
Uncommon James is doing well—as it turns out, Gwyneth Paltrow and Blake Lively and Reese Witherspoon and Lauren Conrad aren’t the only blond celebrities who can launch a viable home-goods brand. With that in mind, Jay has a request:
Let’s go ahead and check on how much money Jay Cutler made solely playing football:
Ah, cool, yes, he definitely needs an allowance. (Although, to be fair, he is allegedly doing the work of a groundskeeper.)
“I didn’t get an allowance when you were playing football,” Kristen points out.
“I know,” Jay responds. “We gave you a credit card. It’s like an allowance—it’s actually better.”
Wow, I’m so glad this man is back in my life.