All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get started.
A Brief Message to Kristin Cavallari
Dear Kristin, please don’t take any more trips to Palm Springs. When you take trips to Palm Springs, it reduces the amount of screentime for your husband, Jay Cutler. And so instead of getting to watch Jay Cutler stare at a wall for six hours (great content that I would pay for), we have to listen to you and your friend speculate over which of your friends spit or swallow (content that I wish I had never consumed). I hope next week is a return to regularly scheduled programming. Thank you for your consideration, and once again, thank you so much for marrying Jay Cutler and forcing him to be on TV; no matter how much I criticize, know that I am forever in your debt.
A Look Into Jay Cutler’s Closet
Just as I suspected: Jay Cutler owns at least seven puffer vests.
Jay Cutler, a Hypocrite
Kristin ventured to Palm Springs to do a photo shoot for her brand, which was way sexier than promotional images for jewelry probably need to be. Is being topless going to sell those earrings?
Jay Cutler is equally skeptical. Upon her return, when Kristin tells him that she’s excited about how the shoot went, he responds, “Is it ’cause you didn’t wear clothes?”
“That usually makes for a good video,” he adds, sarcastically.
“Sex sells,” Kristin says while he nods condescendingly. Please note that during this conversation, Jay is wearing a jacket and a beanie—indoors. He’s wearing the most clothes to strengthen his argument against wearing the least clothes.
BUT HERE’S THE THING. If I remember correctly—and how could I ever forget?—Jay Cutler knows a thing or two about nude photography:
Apparently, Jay can be photographed standing on a deck in Mexico dick out, but Kristin can’t go to Palm Springs and model earrings while naked. These are the double standards we need to expel if we’re going to progress as a society.
Jay Cutler’s Done Dealing With Poops
A natural segue, obviously, Jay Cutler changes the subject from on-camera nudity to the astounding bowel movements of “Kristin’s” goat:
“She poops on the front porch. She poops on the driveway. She poops everywhere,” Jay says. It feels worth mentioning here that this is the goat in question:
This is Pepper, the goat Jay threatened to trade to Luke Bryan last episode. Pepper weighs maybe 30 pounds? I suspect Jay is exaggerating about her poops. It also feels worth mentioning that Jay Cutler LIVES ON A FREAKING FARM. You’ve got a bunch of land that’s ALL FENCED IN, dude. Just put that goat into an enclosure and let it poop itself into oblivion.
Nope—not an option, I guess. Jay Cutler is done with the poops.
Jay Cutler Lusted After a Llama
Last week, we met Pekka, a llama from Luke Bryan’s farm. Kristin borrowed the llama because she thought Jay would like it (and because Very Cavallari regularly struggles to come up with enough content to fill 43 minutes). It just now occurred to me that this llama is named after Pekka Rinne, the goaltender for the Nashville Predators. Luke Bryan is a real Pred head.
Anyway, it was hard to tell how Jay felt about the llama. He was standoffish at first and didn’t really warm up to the llama until he saw it try to kill Pepper, the massive-poop goat. Because they needed to return Pekka to its rightful owners, though, we got a little more clarity on Jay’s feelings. I’m just gonna drop this whole conversation in:
Kristin: So what do you think, should we get one?
Kristin: What do you mean? You seemed so excited when she first came.
Jay: I was intrigued. It was like lust.
I’m sorry, what? Jay Cutler lusted after this llama? I thought retirement was going well, but Jay’s lack of activity is manifesting itself in some very concerning ways.
But what are you gonna do? Sometimes you just gotta let a guy … lust … for an animal?
I don’t know. This still doesn’t feel right.
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
Jay Cutler both likes animals (see directly above) and wishes for their demise; this is one of the most regularly recurring themes of Very Cavallari. Jay’s had fish who have starved to death; he’s threatened to murder a chicken.
But Sunday night he committed one of his most brazen acts of animal sabotage yet. When Luke Bryan’s wife, Caroline, and her llama handler (?) arrived to whisk Pekka away—it was just summer lovin’ for her and Jay, sadly—Jay waits until no one’s looking and sneaks Pepper onto the trailer:
Jay Cutler smuggled a goat! He smuggled a goat.
“Where’s Pepper?” Kristin asks soon after.
“In that trailer,” Jay, a cold-hearted goat hater, responds.
At first I didn’t believe him when he said it, because Jay Cutler doesn’t come off like a man of conviction, but wow—he really was done with the poops.
Join us next week, when Jay Cutler rolls into Uncommon James looking like a stock broker from Nantucket on 23 minutes of sleep: