All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback, when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show Very Cavallari, Cutler’s using his trademark quality of “not caring” to turn himself into one of the best comedic characters of 2018. Because it’s obviously completely necessary, from here on out we will be checking in on Jay Cutler’s non-antics on Very Cavallari, discussing his highlights and lowlights, his best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get to Week 3.
This Week’s Hot New Animal: Goats
The premiere of Very Cavallari was full of deer talk; the second episode was heavy on Jay Cutler’s fish. In the third episode, goats are where it’s at. This happens because—well, I still don’t quite know. Even Jay Cutler’s like, “Why do we have goats?”
I’m pretty sure the root cause of all the goat action is that it’s a prank on Jay by Kristin. Since he’s so obsessed with the health of his lawn—we’re still on this, even though the lawn incident happened in Episode 1—Kristin thought it would be funny to hire a goat landscaping company to drop off a ton of constantly pooping baby goats to fertilize their yard. What’s that? You’ve never heard of “goat landscaping?” YEAH, ME NEITHER!
First of all, WHAT THE HELL IS SHENANIGOATS LANDSCAPING?! And, more importantly, WHY DOES THIS COMPANY ALSO APPARENTLY RUN A YOGA STUDIO?!
Shenanigoats is a real company; as its website proclaims, it offers “Nashville’s premiere goat services!” (Is there any competition for the right to hold this title? Are there multiple goatscaping companies in the Nashville area?) “Goatscaping is the eco-friendly way to clear your yard or overgrown land!” the website says. “By letting Shenanigoats graze away your problem areas you are eliminating the use of toxic chemicals, herbicides and gas-powered lawn mowers.”
Also, you may already know this—and if not, I’m really sorry to be the one to break it to you—but GOAT YOGA is very much a thing right now. Why goats? I have no clue. What I do know is that the goat yoga business must be booming, because based on Shenanigoats’ Yelp page, it appears that the company has mostly moved away from goatscaping and is putting its full weight behind the yoga operation. Good luck, I guess. I don’t know what this world is anymore.
On the Bright Side, Here Is a GIF of a Goat and the GOAT
Pretty sure this goat hates Jay Cutler.
You Can’t Put Jay Cutler in a Box
As we found out in Episode 2, Jay wants to move—there’s this one patch of grass on his current property that has been tainted by a Honda SUV, so he must flee, I assume—and in Episode 3, he and Kristin go check out a new house. This, apparently, counts as an adventure for Jay Cutler, which is why he dresses up as Indiana Jones:
“I feel like this is a hipster-country look,” Jay Cutler says. He is wrong—hipsters don’t shop at Field & Stream. But the hat does lead to a revelation. “[It’s] hard to classify, I suppose,” Jay says (wrong again), to which Kristin replies, “Can’t put you in a box.”
What a beautiful, encapsulating sentence to describe Jay Cutler. It is true: You can’t put this guy in a box! I wonder if Lovie Smith said this when Jay followed up a three-touchdown game in 2009 by throwing five interceptions. Or maybe Kristin said it after Jay broke up with her but then sent her an engagement ring in the mail. I guarantee Jay said it to himself in the mirror that one day he decided to wear a forest-green Carhartt winter hat instead of the gray one.
House Hunters With Jay Cutler
We should talk about Jay Cutler’s taste in houses. To do so, I’d like to call in my friend and The Ringer’s resident real estate expert, Amanda Dobbins, to offer her thoughts:
Andrew, I’ll be honest: As soon as Jay put on a special costume to go on his house tour, I was on board with this real estate venture. But let’s put in the work here. First, a look at the exterior:
It’s new construction, which is a personal-preference situation, but it does seem to allow a lot of natural light. I love a bay window, and I agree with Kristin that the porch is “cool.” I’m a little concerned that this home illustrates McMansion Hell Design Principle No. 1: Masses and Voids, but since I don’t have the full picture I will refrain from further critique.
On to the interior:
We’re discounting the chandeliers, because there has never been an attractive light fixture in a staged home in recorded history. In general, open-plan homes are a touchy subject; my Jam Session cohost, Juliet Litman, opposes them categorically. While I’m comfortable with the concept, and even have one in my own (rented) home, I find myself puzzled by the layout of this particular kitchen. There’s a startling lack of counter space, I’m not seeing a pantry anywhere, and that oven/stovetop looks woefully low-fi for what I am assuming is at minimum a $3 million home. The so-called island is, from this perspective, way too far from the counter to be of any use as a food-prep space or a breakfast bar. And I may not be reading the angles correctly, but I’m not sure that anyone cooking in the kitchen could see around the dividing walls to the room itself. This is a mess.
That said, the view from the kitchen window is lovely:
This, meanwhile, is just lazy staging on the home seller’s part. Move that pool table cover!
I am also concerned about the 45-minute drive to and from Kristin’s work, which seems like a major logistical hurdle, especially when Kristin is the only one in the family demonstrating an interest in even fake employment. It’s funny, I started this exercise as a Hipster Jay, and now I am more of a “Kristin on the ride to the home.” The only reason to buy this house is the way that Jay Cutler looks at the built-in chicken coops:
That’s love.
Jay Cutler’s Quote of the Week
How does Jay Cutler respond when someone asks him if he wants a margarita? Obviously, he says, “Yeah, I mean, I’ll booze.” Hell yeah, that’s the good stuff. Especially because there’s a chance that Jay Cutler’s extremely pro-booze stance is offered in the morning. Look at this:
Kristin appears to be wearing pajamas, and you can see out the window that it’s daytime. Of course there’s a chance that Kristin just changed into comfy clothes after a long hard day of work at Uncommon James (lol), but this show was filmed in winter—when the sun goes before 6 p.m.—so at the very least, Jay is very ready to booze before dinner. Rock on, brother, is what I say to that.
Please be forewarned, however, that if you’re ever boozing with Jay Cutler, you gotta watch it with your pours. Jay Cutler likes to booze in moderation, and, if you put too much tequila in his marg, he’ll react like this:
Jay Cutler’s Actually Reasonable Advice Corner
Toward the end of the episode, Kristin is getting ready to attend an employee’s housewarming party. Now, I know she’s probably doing this because the Very Cavallari producers forced her to, but let’s put that knowledge aside for a second to say: This is a very bad thing for a boss to do! Bosses need to maintain a healthy distance from their employees. They shouldn’t be palling around with their much-younger subordinates as if they’re friends. And you know who gets this? Jay Cutler, that’s who.
“I don’t really think you invite your boss to a housewarming party,” he says. “I feel like housewarming parties are more, like, for … maybe friends?”
Great call, Jay. You are exactly right. You are also exactly right to tell Kristin to bring a bottle of white wine to the party because you have to “get rid of a bunch of white.” This whole segment is very reasonable and level-headed; I’m extremely proud.
Two side notes about this scene, by the way. First of all, we must discuss this quote from Jay Cutler: “I’ve never had a housewarming party. … I’ve bought a lot of houses, I feel like. Well, not a lot. A couple.” That’s just incredible. Secondly, can we talk about Jay’s face when Kristin says, “If you wanna help me pick out [a bottle], that’d be great”?
I’m very confident Jay starts shaking his head like this anytime anyone says a sentence that includes the words “help me.”
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
By now you know that Jay Cutler is a huntin’ man who loves his animals. So when Jay Cutler is driving, he’s less paying attention to the road and more so looking out for huntable game. Which is why this happens when Jay and Kristin are on their way to check out a house:
Obviously Jay Cutler keeps binoculars in his backseat so that he can scope out (what appear to be) turkeys at a moment’s notice.
See you next week, when ... [checks previews] … oh no—a bunch of non–Jay Cutler stuff happens. You can’t see my face right now but my expression is one of pure concern.