By Juliet Litman and Sam Schube
The Golden Globes are this weekend, and the movie buffs, odds handicappers, and celebrity analysts are excited — including us here at The Ringer. We were doing our research, which led us to the event’s official website. We found ourselves, mouths agape, perusing the nominees’ photos, some of which you’ll find below. They are horrible. Brutally so. Perez Hiltonesque in their tearing down of celeb facades. Mom-sends-you-back-for-makeup-yearbook-picture-day bad. Really, really mean.
Seriously, they’re bizarre: It’s not hard to find headshots of the most famous actors in the world. Hollywood is the land of the beautiful, the vain, the extravagantly well lit. Unless, I guess, you ask the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, because here are the nine most unflattering, strange headshots from the bunch.
1. Natalie Portman
Portman is up for a Globe this year for her performance in Jackie, and it’s something: lots of vowels, booze, and tears. But it’s nothing compared to the performance she’ll turn in next year, as Natalie Portman’s Golden Globes Headshot in the film Damn, That Is Extremely Cold.
2. Colin Farrell
The face of a man who’s 95 percent sure he left the oven on before leaving the house. The face of a man holding in a fart during a three-hour meeting. The face of a man who’s been asked about his role in Daredevil.
3–5. Sterling K. Brown, Hugh Laurie, John Lithgow
Presenting the stars of a Three Stooges remake that — just in my even mentioning it — has already bankrupted multiple studios.
6. Winona Ryder
This is not Winona Ryder. Unless Winona Ryder is also a Courteney Cox impersonator?
7–8. Hailee Steinfeld, Michelle Williams
These are two gorgeous humans who should be asking why the HFPA is using its website to sow dissent. Defend them both.
9. Kenneth Lonergan
We are so excited to see this man in a tux. And then in a role vacated by John Goodman in a future Coen brothers movie.
We’re out of words.