Legendary poster mavens and Seattle natives John and Tock Costacos came out of retirement on Wednesday to release their first poster in 20 years: “Armed & Dangeruss,” a lurid celebration of everything that makes Russell Wilson a great quarterback and a cringeworthy person. Wilson’s lack of self-awareness makes him the perfect athlete to revive the cheesy sports poster form, and as an added bonus, all proceeds from this $20 masterpiece will benefit his Why Not You Foundation. In the Dan Marino-inspired work, Wilson is surrounded by an assortment of items that give us insight into the man himself. Here’s what we learned:
1. Russell Wilson is hiding something.
The first thing you notice about “Armed & Dangeruss” is the crinkled-up “WANTED” poster in Wilson’s left hand, which raises some important questions: Why is he wanted? What is he hiding? How will his fugitive status affect his image as a pious Christian? Sadly, we aren’t given any answers, but it’s probably fair to assume that Wilson will be found soon on account of his garish blue camouflage pants. I don’t know what’s in Magic Russ’s Bag of Tricks, but for Wilson’s sake, I’m hoping it contains an invisibility cloak.
2. Russell Wilson doesn’t know what eye black is for.
Wilson’s face is smeared with an absurd amount of grease. Eye black (or war paint, whatever it is the poster is going for) is meant to help improve detail in a person’s line of vision … in the sun. So why is Wilson wearing so much here? Look at those clouds! Was Marshawn Lynch’s grill that shiny?
3. Russell Wilson is an avid reader.
His impressive collection of classic literature includes The Great Escaper Houdini (which inspired Wilson to escape from the clutches of Tom O’Brien), The Art of Score (which contains a controversial afterword by Malcolm Butler), and Karl Ove Knausgaard’s overlooked and underrated three-volume epic Persevere, Perspective, and Purpose (which is about copulating with Ciara). Notably absent: His own damn comic book. If there was a comic book written about me, you best believe I’d keep a copy on my crate of Needle Threaders.
4. Russell Wilson needs to get more sleep.
The science is overwhelming: Sleep is a major key to athletic success, especially in the NFL. Nevertheless, Wilson’s clock reads “No Time 2 Sleep!” which, incidentally, happens to be one of his signature hashtags. (Wilson’s odiousness can be boiled down to the fact that he has signature hashtags.) If Wilson continues to neglect the importance of shut-eye, he may be in for … a rude awakening.
5. Russell Wilson is committed to pigskin diversity (but still has his blind spots).
Wilson owns more types of footballs than I knew existed: 1st Down Balls, 50 Yard Bombs, Endzone Seekers, Red Zone Specials, Flaming Dimes (copyright: Trent Dilfer), O.T. Game Enders, and the aforementioned Needle Threaders. Again, we have a few questions: Why doesn’t Wilson have second-, third-, and fourth-down balls? Is he allowed to use an O.T. Game Ender before overtime? Are Endzone Seekers in any way related to Quidditch Seekers? And where the hell were the Red Zone Specials at the end of Super Bowl XLIX?