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Can We Please Get a Non-boring ‘Bachelor’ Spinoff?

Getty Images
Getty Images

As you will recall, Ben “Excuse me, are you sleeping?” Higgins and Lauren “Wake up, please!” Bushnell found everlasting love on the 20th season of The Bachelor. For their dedication to living out the ABC fairy tale, they have been rewarded with a spinoff docuseries: Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After, which will follow the happy couple as they “begin their brand-new life together while navigating the real world after the splendor of The Bachelor’s exotic dates and fantasy suites has ended.”

So, we’ll get Ben stumping on the Colorado campaign trail and Lauren doing … things. TBD things. Thank you, ABC (and its sibling channel Freeform, formerly known as ABC Family), for producing yet another Bachelor-spinoff sleep aid. (See also: JP and Ashley’s Wedding Special, Sean and Catherine’s Wedding Special, Jade and Tanners “Celebration of Love.”)

Just once can we get a post-show spinoff that isn’t a thinly veiled PSA for true love waits? If Bachelor producers are having a hard time imagining an actually fun follow-up, good news, we have some notes:

Pick a couple that actually fell in love

Do you remember The Bachelorette Season 11? All Kaitlyn Bristowe wanted was to make out with as many different suitors as she damn well pleased. She eventually chose the very muscular Shawn Booth, and their post-show life has been a delight to watch on social media: has anyone ever made stand-up paddleboarding look like a fun couple’s activity? They are perhaps the realest pairing in recent Bachelorette history — sexually active adult humans who decided to date after their season rather than get married right away. For a realistic portrayal of human courtship, please give them a show.

Pick a couple careening towards a terrible breakup

During Season 16 of The Bachelor, Ben Flajnick and Courtney Robertson’s flame burned bright and hot and naked — which meant nothing good could come of their post-show union. In the end, they had a nasty breakup, and Robertson spilled all the tea in her tell-all book, I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends. You know what is better than a tell-all book? A tell-all docuseries!

Pick a couple of single women who deserved so much better than you gave them

Both Andi Dorfman (The Bachelor Season 18, The Bachelorette Season 10) and Jubilee Sharpe (The Bachelor Season 20) were season stars who walked away with nothing. (Dorfman’s consolation prize was Josh Murray; Sharpe’s was this season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Neither make up for the trauma they suffered.) Wouldn’t it be better if ABC put them up in a penthouse in Miami and let them wingwoman for each other in a docuseries?

Pick a couple of bros in a pure bromance

Watching Evil Chad and Daniel lift weights together was a shining moment in this otherwise tragically boring season of The Bachelorette. Consider giving them a penthouse in Miami, or a lifelong membership to Equinox where they can check each other’s form until the end of time while we watch.

Pick Table for One, Nick Viall

Is there anybody in the Bachelor franchise thirstier than Nick Viall? After two teary attempts at love on The Bachelorette, Viall will be on Bachelor in Paradise this season. At this point, he’ll outlast Chris Harrison. For the love of God, ABC, if you won’t make this man The Bachelor, at least give him a spinoff show where he undergoes relationship counseling. I think Love Rehab With Harrison sounds like ratings gold.