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Let’s Suggest Some Spots Where Draymond Green Can Watch Game 5

Ringer illustration
Ringer illustration

Draymond Green’s bizarre propensity for nut shots has finally caught up with him. After taking a “retaliatory swipe of his hand to the groin” of LeBron James, the Warriors forward won’t be allowed in Oracle Arena tonight — unless the NBA grants his informal appeal. As such, he’s probably scrambling to find a place to watch the game. We have some suggestions.

1. The cheap seats

Try as he might, executive VP of basketball operations Kiki VanDeWeghe can’t guard every single entrance to Oracle. If Draymond scalps a ticket, keeps his head down, and files into the building wearing a yellow T-shirt, he’ll probably get away with it. Dubs fans would never turn him over to the authorities, and who doesn’t want to see him sporting a Bobby Valentine–esque mustache? Draymond will also be able to immediately run onto the court if the Warriors win:

2. A Cleveland sports bar

Ringer illustration
Ringer illustration

The ultimate troll move would be for Draymond to watch the game at a bar full of Cavs fans. We know he thrives off of negativity, so perhaps he’d even be willing to show up in a “Quitness” shirt. Here’s a handy list of potential spots, courtesy of the Bay Area Browns Backers.

3. With his mom

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Ringer illustration

Mary Babers-Green is a queen. She doesn’t pull any punches on Twitter — as yours truly recently found out! — and I’d pay to hear her and Draymond deliver some piping-hot takes on Game 5. Maybe they could Periscope together? Call it Grass Is Always Greener.

4. At the Hoopers’ house

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Ringer illustration

This would give Chris Paul a chance to personally thank Draymond for replacing him as the NBA’s preeminent crotch-puncher. Kevin Love can learn about the Hawks and the Hornets later.

5. With Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert on ‘The Bachelorette’

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Ringer illustration

I’m sure Evan’s incredibly busy maintaining his mustache, but someone needs to educate Draymond on the consequences of nut shots. Evan’s groin studies and recent televised conflicts make him the perfect viewing companion.

6. With his NBA-player fan club

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Ringer illustration

Matt Barnes, Patrick Beverley, and Stephen Jackson were quick to defend Draymond on social media yesterday, which was a bit surprising given society’s general aversion to nut shots. Draymond has more sympathizers than I would have thought — just don’t invite Steven Adams.