Just this week, Jennifer Lawrence was spotted walking her tiny dog and her new beau, Darren Aronofsky, around New York City’s Upper East Side. It was a nice day — sunny and crisp. She looked perfectly autumnal in her newsboy/Samuel L. Jackson hybrid cap and gray peacoat. It would have been a postcard, really, except for one small catch: J-Law and Darfsky were sharing a lollipop.
It’s immediately unsettling, the idea of a grown-up slobbering on a candy and then passing that candy to another person. Then that person slobbers on it and passes it back. On and on they go, as the candy slowly turns into an Oscar-nominated saliva swab that maybe has faint-tasting notes of sugar. How is this happening? Why would they do this? Let’s work it out together.
Wait: Are we sure that Jennifer Lawrence and Darren Aronofsky are actually sharing a lollipop? Or is this just an internet optical illusion?
We can only assume, because very few of us are invited on casual strolls with J-Law and her dog and boyfriend. But study the photograph: the lollipop is suspended in the air, Aronofsky’s hand is juuust grabbing the stick, and his eyes are focused on it like “yes! I get to suck this!” This leads me to believe that the lolly was en route from one person’s mouth to another person’s tongue.
Isn’t that pretty gross? Adult humans shouldn’t share lollipops.
But think of all the foods that humans share! Bites of pasta, bowls of stew, sundaes, sometimes even ice cream cones.
But you don’t actually swap saliva when you share a sundae.
OK, fair. But you know when you actually do swap spit? While kissing. Adult humans enjoy kissing, and lollipop sharing seems like a natural progression from that, no?
Kissing is at least the means to an end, though. What’s the benefit of sharing a lollipop? It’s just gross!
I’ll concede that 97 percent of the time this is vile. Repulsive, really, unless you’re dying to know what someone’s eight-hour day tastes like. But, I do think there are some exceptions, though. Say a small child you like a lot wants to share her lolly with you, and she holds it up, her eyes all eager, begging for this moment of bonding. Or say it’s a weed lollipop.
Is this a weed lollipop?
I don’t know. I’m just using this as an example of another time that it might be OK to share a sucker.
Say it is a weed lollipop —
I don’t know that it’s not a weed lollipop.
— there is no way they would share a weed lollipop! Jennifer Lawrence supposedly made $46 million in 2016, and Darren Aronofsky is doing just fine. Those combined finances can bankroll at least two weed lollies.
Listen! Sometimes the person you’re with drags you to the dispensary (in places where it is legal, obviously) and is like “wanna get high?” And you’re like, “You know, not really, I have a lot of stuff to do later and I can’t waste the day.” But then you’re walking around, and your person is all stoned and happy and you think, “Man, I want to be on that level,” so you ask for a few licks. It happens. We don’t know when we might want to be high. In this case, sharing a lollipop is totally acceptable.
I don’t know. It’s still gross.
There are rules that make it less gross.
What are these rules?
Never suck, only lick. Sucking is rude when you’re sharing.
Are they adhering to these rules?
Judging by the shape of this lollipop, it seems like there might have been some vacuum action. One of these people has committed the sin of sucking.
What does it all mean?
It seems like J-Lolly and Darsky have reached the relationship stage where they like each other enough to lick each other’s saliva repeatedly, but are not serious enough to remind the other that it’s a weird, socially-frowned-upon practice. How nice for them!
Do I have to share my lollipop?
No, don’t, that’s disgusting.