All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—and welcome back to this blog, where we’ll once again go on a Jay Journey to discuss his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and hand out an award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week.
Fit Lord Jay Cutler
We’re going to Italy! All season, Kristin has been working with a genealogist to locate some long-lost relatives, and now she’s located them in Italy. (Look, I don’t know whether this was a producer invention, but if it is, hats off—what an ingenious way to get E! to pay for a trip to Europe.) Jay knows that Italy is the fashion capital of the world, which is why at the beginning of this episode he is … packing all of my dad’s suit coats?
One plaid sport coat is enough, big guy.
“You’ve really stepped it up in the last few years,” Kristin tells him. And plaid aside, that’s actually pretty true—when he’s not exclusively wearing Carhartt, Jay Cutler’s been rocking turtlenecks and suede suit coats, looking like he found an issue of GQ and took extensive notes. (This is more than just a guess, since we already know that he took notes from a GQ article to learn how to do oral sex.) In Season 3 of Very Cavallari, Jay Cutler has become a fit god. At least I thought he had—but then he rolled out of an Italian villa in this:
Is that a coat? Why does it look like a woman’s robe? Is this a bit?
Also in the episode, Jay Cutler wore camo pants with a sport coat:
I actually think he’s pulling it off—wait, is that? Am I seeing that right? Can we enhance?
This Dog Loves Jay Cutler
Seriously—dogs seem to understand Jay Cutler better than any human ever will.
Jay Is Hot As Hell
Sitting in the back of a Mercedes, Jay Cutler starts to get a little uncomfortable:
“Is the heat seater on?” he asks.
First of all, there is no such thing as a “heat seater.” Second of all, it’s definitely not a heated seat—YOU ARE WEARING LIKE SIX LAYERS, my guy. Take off the jacket, and maybe the sweater, too! No one could maintain a comfortable temperature in that outfit. (I apologize that so much of this recap is fashion-oriented, but Jay really went for it in Italy.)
2 Jay 2 Cutler
Jay Cutler’s present for coming along on this trip to Italy—besides, you know, getting a free trip to Italy—is a rented Ferrari that he gets to drive around for a little while. Specifically, it appears to be a GTC4Lusso. (There aren’t a ton of close-up shots of the Ferrari or the brand logo, which leads me to believe Kristin actually had to pay for this rental.) And while we’re told this is Jay Cutler’s dream car, I’m kinda like, eh. It’s a Ferrari, sure, but I guess I like my Ferraris to have a little more of an ass on ’em. That’s just me, though—one Ferrari Guy to another.
Jay, though, loves this thing. Driving it is the happiest I have ever seen him look.
He seems to be driving fast enough to scare the shit out of his wife—in that very universal way wives get scared when their husbands drive too fast. But look, lady, it’s like Dom Toretto said in Furious 7: “There’s nothing sadder than locking a beast in a cage.”
Jay actually comes up with a Fast koan of his own: “I got about 12 horses in this thing and I need to let her go.”
I think it’s clear what needs to happen: Jay Cutler needs to be in Furious 10.
This Is Just a Clip of Jay Cutler Saying “Gelato”
The Most Jay Cutler Thing That Happened This Week
Even though it’s the namesake of this blog, this category is sometimes the hardest one to fill each week. We can sometimes go weeks before getting a Classic Jay Cutler moment. But the waiting has paid off, for this episode truly features the single Most Jay Cutler thing. It is not only the Most Jay Cutler Thing That Happened This Week—it is the Most Jay Cutler Thing That Has Ever Happened.
In a small Italian town, locals begin to gather around Jay and Kristin. Kristin, for one, seems shocked that they’re being recognized, as if she thought being followed by several cameras would make for a good disguise. For the most part, it seems the locals are more interested in Kristin—which you can tell from this photo:
This photo has real “Mutombo, out of the shot” energy.
But there’s one guy who’s like, “Oh shit, that’s Jay Cutler,” and he asks to take a solo photo. And just before they part—and as Jay Cutler is holding a cone of gelato—the man asks a question, leading to the moment in question:
MY. GOD. He didn’t even say “no!” He said “nuh,” a version of no that people only say when they’re too disinterested to even say the actual word “no.” And he was eating gelato the whole time!
We have reached Peak Jay Cutler. He has evolved into his truest form. This is like when Eleven harnessed her powers in Stranger Things. Or like the last six minutes of Super Bowl LIV, when Patrick Mahomes finally accessed his superhuman abilities to win the game. I don’t know why I brought up football, though—Jay Cutler doesn’t give a fuck about it.
An earlier version of this piece misidentified the type of Ferrari that Jay Cutler was driving very fast in this episode; it was a GTC4Lusso, not an 812 Superfast.