All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—and welcome back to this blog, where we’ll once again go on a Jay Journey to discuss his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and hand out an award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week.
Cuddly Jay Cutler
This guy loved playing for the Bears so much that he dressed like one.
The Football Players Who Showed Up to Jay Cutler’s Wife’s Jewelry Store Opening
The Season 3 finale brings us back to Chicago for the opening of Uncommon James’s second store. Remember? The one Kristin Cavallari went to war with Gwyneth Paltrow over? (Note: She definitely did not actually go to war with Gwyneth Paltrow; I am unbelievably confident that Gwyneth Paltrow did not, and will never, know a single thing about this.) So yeah, that store is officially open, giving Very Cavallari a nice full-circle moment to end on. But this event is mostly important to us for two reasons: a) So we can see once and for all if the success of Kristin Cavallari’s jewelry/lifestyle/candle brand in Chicago can be entirely attributed to her marriage to Jay Cutler and b) because Kristin promised that football players were attending the opening.
To answer Point A, I must report that Kristin has her own fans. See this photo for evidence:
That’s like 18 people and only one of them is wearing a Chicago Bears hat. And that guy might just like the Bears rather than Jay Cutler specifically (this is most Bears fans). Limiting our research to analysis of this photo alone, we can conclude that Jay Cutler is about 5 percent responsible for the success of the Chicago location of Uncommon James.
On to Point B. Before the opening, Kristin says to Jay Cutler, “You’re gonna have your football buddies there.” It’s only later in the episode that we see that “football buddies” is an elite group of two featuring Zach Miller and Kyle Long.
In retrospect, the word “buddies,” while technically accurate, kinda felt like an overstatement. It’s nice Zach and Kyle came though. I’m assuming Brandon Marshall’s invite got lost in the mail.
And one more note on Kyle Long: Look at this photograph of him and Jay Cutler—the love is so pure:
The Best Part of the New Uncommon James Store
The man is a natural at modeling … products that I still don’t understand.
An Update on Broadcast Jay
Something that’s hung over this entire season of Very Cavallari is the Big Lead report that Jay Cutler has been taking meetings to become a color commentator for either ESPN or CBS. And, well, apparently those meetings happened around the time that this finale was filmed, because we get a little conversation about them—over tuna nachos that look delicious.
Jay is naturally forthcoming during the convo (this is sarcasm). When Kristin asks how the meetings went, he says, “They went well.” Then he says just enough to indicate the following:
- One network wanted him to be an in-studio figure
- Jay Cutler does not want to be an in-studio figure
- Jay Cutler wants to be “at the games”
So there you go—Jay refuses to be Bill Cowher but With More Turtlenecks. He wants to be the next coming of Tony Romo. And while I’m pretty sure Jay Cutler won’t be a savant like Romo, I actually think he’d crush it. Just an onslaught of apathy and deer-hunting analogies—exactly what NFL broadcasts are missing.
(Side note: I’m pretty disappointed E!’s cameras weren’t allowed to film Jay’s meetings. I’m imagining they went a lot like Chuckie’s meetings with the CIA or whatever in Good Will Hunting.)
Most Jay Cutler Moment
At the Uncommon James Chicago opening, Kristin has to give a speech but she’s very nervous; she needs someone to introduce her and generally get the crowd’s juices flowing. Of course, Jay Cutler steps up to the plate:
“Please quit talking. Everyone. Quit talking. Thank you.”
WHAT A SPEECH. WHAT A HYPE MAN. WHAT A HUSBAND.
This concludes Season 3 of Very Cavallari, and therefore this running blog. Thank you for reading. Go eat some wild game in Jay’s name. And if you’re struggling with social distancing at the moment, just ask yourself, “What would Jay do?” Because Jay would sit at home alone in his pajamas talking to as few people as possible—just like he did before he even knew what social distancing was.