All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—and welcome back to this blog, where we’ll once again go on a Jay Journey to discuss his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and hand out an award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week.
Fit Lord Jay, Pt. 2
Last episode, Jay Cutler showed up in Italy looking fresh—by which I mean he was rocking camouflage satchels and jackets that looked like ladies’ robes. (Note: This episode was filmed in early November 2019, before the coronavirus pandemic spread across the country.)
Something about Italy just brings out the best in him—on Thursday night, he decided to devote the hour to scarves and other various neck-obscuring apparel. There was this jacket with a popped collar:
There was this sweater with an enormous shawl collar:
(I have no idea how he fit his arms in that sport coat while wearing that sweater. My arms aren’t making it all the way out in an outfit like that.) There was also this multicolored, tiny scarf:
And then there was this bad boy, a freaking infinity scarf that he wore on top of a sport coat at a winery:
I know Jay Cutler is 36 years old, but he’s currently dressing like a 14-year-old who just got his first hickey.
Jay and David
Jay Cutler is a man of culture, which is why the only thing he wants to do in the city of Florence is go on a stroll with Kristin’s three best gay friends and take in the culture. Before this though, it should be noted, Jay made everyone stop in a pub and pick up a beer, because apparently you’re allowed to drink on the streets in Florence. (Wish I knew this when I was there.)
“I think it’s pretty hilarious that we’re walking through Florence checking out statues of naked men,” says Kristin’s friend Justin, “with the three gays and then this American NFL quarterback.” But Jay’s super into it—again, he’s cultured.
“The male body, Jay, it’s really something, isn’t it?” Justin asks. Jay just nods and says:
In case you were wondering: Jay Cutler’s favorite statue was one where a general was on a horse, which is very him for about a thousand reasons. Anyway, when Kristin and her girlfriends meet Jay and the guys at the Piazza della Signoria—which Jay called “the piazza with all the naked men”—Kristin asks him what he’s been up to. “Been looking at … art,” he says with a purposeful pause.
“Penises?” she immediately responds, perhaps seeing the slight smirk on Jay’s face and thinking: Oh, that’s the face he makes when he’s talking about penises.
“Yeah,” Jay says back. “They were really excited.” But as much as the man doth protest, I know he was enjoying himself around those nudes. Because he’s cultured.
Jay Cutler Feeds a Man Some Meat
For your viewing pleasure:
At first, I just thought Jay really wanted Justin to try that cold cut—if there’s one thing I know about Jay Cutler it’s his affinity for meat, so I figured he was passing it on. But it turns out Justin was HAMMERED, and Jay was trying to get some food in his belly. Because Jay Cutler doesn’t like a sloppy drunk.
Jay Cutler will shove your face full of salami if you’ve had too much chianti and are acting like a doofus.
Jay, Instagram Husband
My guy knows his angles, clearly. He takes pride in this, clearly.
“He’s a really good photographer,” one of the other guys says.
“Lotta practice,” Jay snaps back. “I just take pictures of Kristin all day.” If you look at Kristin’s Instagram, you’ll see that he is not kidding. But mostly I just wanted to include this part to reinforce one of the beliefs I hold deep in my bones:
Leonardo DiCaprio now knows: You either die a hero or live long enough to become an Instagram boyfriend pic.twitter.com/rKb9REAcjN— Andrew Gruttadaro (@andrewgrutt) May 19, 2019
“Instagram husband,” in Jay’s case, but the axiom still holds up.
The Least Jay Cutler Thing That Happened This Week
We’re going to do things a little differently this week—normally we recap the Most Jay Cutler Thing that happens, but something happened in this episode that just had to be covered. (The Most Jay Cutler thing of the week is him feeding another man meat, if you’re curious.)
At a nice Italian dinner with Kristin and her friends, where the wine is flowing and the pasta is scalding hot, Jay Cutler—basically out of nowhere—raises his glass and begins to give one of the most touching speeches I have ever heard in my life. “I will say this,” he starts off, “there’s an ease about traveling with Kristin.” When he says this, Kristin makes a face like, “Hm, this is interesting.”
It goes on:
It’s very comforting. And she surrounds herself with really good people. You guys all mean a lot in her life, which means you’ve meant a lot in my life as I’ve gotten to know you. To Kristin—thank you for making our relationship better and better each and every day. She doesn’t settle for anything less! So thank you. Love you.
HOLY COW! Jay Cutler just hit a Husband Home Run! Not only did he publicly speak in front of his wife (worth 5 points), he also spoke highly of her friends (worth 50 points), and then he said some incredibly nice things about his wife (worth 500 points), in front of people (worth 1,000 points), on camera (worth a million points). He just locked up Husband of the Year. What an upset. What a legend.
Next week is the season finale, guys. Savor Jay Cutler while you can.