All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—and welcome back to this blog, where we’ll once again go on a Jay Journey to discuss his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and hand out an award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week.
Watch Yourself, Tony Romo
To kick this off with some non–Very Cavallari Jay Cutler news: The Big Lead reported on Wednesday that Jay is meeting with networks about the possibility of getting into broadcasting. It’s not a huge surprise: Former football players—especially quarterbacks—are often tapped in retirement to join a broadcast booth, and before Jay unretired to play for the Miami Dolphins in 2017, he was prepping to become part of Fox’s team. Apparently now he’s ready—maybe because Jay Cutler’s meat store didn’t pan out?—to go down that road again.
As far as I’m concerned, nothing could make football better than this. Think about how awesome it’s been to have Tony Romo alongside Jim Nantz on CBS. It’ll be just like that, except instead of predicting all of the plays before they happen, Jay Cutler will do absolutely nothing. Kevin Burkhardt will be like, “How did Odell get so open on that play?” and after a stunning amount of dead air Cutler will be like, “To be honest, I wasn’t really watching.”
Fox, CBS, ESPN, whoever’s broadcasting the XFL—pay Jay Cutler as much as it takes to make this happen.
X Gon’ Give It to Ya
At the beginning of the episode, Kristin and Jay take their friends to an ax-throwing place; Kristin says she wants to show them “a piece of Nashville,” as if ax-throwing bars aren’t a nationwide sensation. For some reason, this particular ax-throwing establishment had Kristin et al. wear name tags. I can assure you that this is not standard practice; I have no clue why a bar, ax-throwing or otherwise, would require name tags, but that’s really not important. What’s important is what Jay wrote on his:
Extremely cool move, IMO.
Jay Cutler Can’t Throw an Ax
The real point of Very Cavallari’s ax-throwing adventure was to dunk all over Jay Cutler for being bad at throwing axes. The segment kicks off with everyone being super successful, frequently nailing the bull’s-eye. Finally, Jay steps up to the plate, and this happens:
At one point, he even reaches for a new ax, which is just peak dude behavior: Nah bro, it’s not me—it’s the ax. But lo and behold, it’s definitely him:
By the end of all this—of being embarrassed in front of his wife and two expressly unathletic men—Jay Cutler gets pretty mad:
Look, I’m not gonna say Jay Cutler never got this emotional in 12 seasons as an NFL quarterback, but I’m not not gonna say that.
What Is the Temperature Inside Jay Cutler’s House?
This is not indoor attire. This is what someone wears on an average winter day. What’s going on? Does Jay Cutler’s house not have thermostats? Is Jay Cutler cold-blooded? Is he actually bald and using snow hats as a cover, like how Bret Michaels uses bandanas and how LeBron James used to wear headbands? WHY IS IT SO COLD IN THERE?!
The Most Jay Cutler Thing That Happened This Week
Early on in this episode, Jay Cutler reveals that he’s been working on a big project: He’s been planting a fuck-ton of trees. He’s planting so many trees that he’s starting to get Sam’s Club–level deals on trees. “I just got a 50 percent discount on trees,” he says at one point, like it’s a normal thing to say.
“I’m building an evergreen wall,” he eventually explains to Kristin. Though I feel like there’s a second part to this sentence that Jay left unsaid, which is: “an evergreen wall … to ward myself off from the rest of the world.” That alone would be the most Jay Cutler thing of the week, but then he continued to talk about fences and his various uses for them.
“I think I’m gonna fence in another area back there, for ...” he tells Kristin, pausing dramatically. “Wait for it ...” he then says, for even more drama. (By this point Kristin is giving Jay the look my fiancée gives me when she’s questioning her life choices.) And then finally: “Mini … donkeys.” He’s so freaking pleased with himself by the end of this:
If you’ve been following this blog for the last two years (oh god, it’s been that long?), you’d know what a huge development this is for Jay Cutler. The man loves animals: He’s owned chickens, goats, dogs, cows, fish. Not all of those animals survived his ownership, per se, but my point was never that he takes good care of animals—just that he loves them. So miniature donkeys? Pretty big deal.
The mini donkey acquisition actually becomes the main story line of this episode (the Golden Age of Television, folks). Kristin keeps trying to have serious life conversations with Jay and he’s just like, “Totally … so, some donkeys are gonna stop by.” He says it just like that!
Eventually, the couple goes to a farm called Half Ass Acres—genius name for a mini-donkey farm, by the way—to scope out some donks. Jay immediately falls in love:
“It’s all energy,” Jay Cutler the Mini Donkey Whisperer says. “Open energy here.” And when Kristin starts playing around with one of the donkeys, Jay whips out his cell phone like a proud dad watching his daughter play soccer.
I’ve never seen the guy so filled with joy.
So, even though I went into this episode knowing that Jay Cutler might be heading to the broadcast booth, I still just can’t believe it. Being a color commentator is hard work, requiring tons of travel, hours upon hours of preparation—I just can’t see Jay Cutler dropping all of his donkey-related activities to devote himself to that life. This is a man who once said he wanted to “do nothing.” Hanging out with a couple donkeys is way more his speed than breaking down Cover 3 defenses with Curt Menefee.
Join us again next week, when Heidi Montag comes to Nashville?! (My worlds are colliding.)