All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—and welcome back to this blog, where we’ll once again go on a Jay Journey to discuss his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and hand out an award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week.
Jay Cutler, Swordsman
This episode opens with a scary sight: Jay Cutler with a knife. But don’t worry, he’s doing super useful stuff with it:
Why yes, that is Jay Cutler, former NFL quarterback, cutting a piece of paper with an extremely sharp knife. Apparently he’s testing the blade while sharpening knives at the behest of his wife. “I watched a guy on YouTube do this for 20 minutes per side,” Jay says.
“Who has time for all this?” Kristin asks, to which Jay—a little too quickly—replies, “I mean, I do.” Kristin thanks him for his “hard” “work,” and also for palling around with her on all of the trips she’s made throughout this season. Jay Cutler then sums up his current existence:
And then—because he’s always so quick on his toes—he realizes that now might be the time to ask for some sex, so he says, “You can repay me later,” and then makes this very sexy face:
The camo vest makes it that much hotter.
Big Fit Jay
No jokes here. Don’t need ’em.
You want a full-body shot?
Camping With Jay Cutler
But OK, there’s a reason Jay Cutler spent the first 20 minutes of this episode dressed like the On Sale rack at a Bass Pro Shops—THEY’RE GOING CAMPING!!!
After episodes upon episodes of trips to Los Angeles, nice dinners, and events that required Jay Cutler to wear turtlenecks, the couple is finally doing something for him. This is Jay Cutler’s Super Bowl (because again, he never got to go to an actual Super Bowl; bringing his well-manicured wife and her well-manicured friends into the Tennessee wilderness is the next best thing). And because so much happens during this excursion that is purely Peak Cutler, it only makes sense to do a mini ranking.
The Best Things That Happened on Jay Cutler’s Campsite
8. Jay Cutler’s Camping Hat:
7. Jay Cutler’s ground rules for camping: The only rule he mentioned was “Let’s just keep everything organized.” He didn’t get to any of the other ground rules because Kristin et al. unleashed cacophony after the first rule. So Jay definitely had a handle on the whole organization thing.
6. Jay Cutler’s reiterated take on scary movies: Six episodes ago, Jay Cutler boiled down his ethos to: “Mild chicken tenders and scary movies, those are things I just don’t do.” He also admitted that the last scary movie he watched was Scream, which came out in 1996. On the last night of camping he was back on this take, bashfully admitting to everyone that he doesn’t want to tell any ghost stories around the campfire. That might seem surprising—but only if you missed the chicken tendie/horror movie thing from before. (My historical knowledge of Jay Cutler canon is both deep and immensely concerning.)
5. Jay Cutler’s pep talk for camping:
I finally know what it was like to be in the huddle with Jay Cutler. “Let’s get to the important stuff: Matt Forte, I’m gonna hand the ball to you and then we’ll go from there. Brandon Marshall, uh, I dunno, maybe make me a drink or something.”
4. Jay Cutler in a hammock:
3. Jay Cutler in a canoe, doing all the work while Kristin Cavallari takes selfies:
2. Jay Cutler’s car horn, which sounds like a train for some reason: I had to make a video of this, because the sound must be heard.
What compels a man to say, “Ya know, I like my truck, but I wish the horn sounded more like a train.” And what compels a man to convert that thought into reality? Jay Cutler’s mind, lemme tell ya—it’s something else.
1. Jay Cutler dropping his iPhone in a river:
What you’re seeing there is a man attempting to put his phone into the front pocket of his overalls, completely missing, and dropping it into the murky waters of Tennessee’s Duck River. (Reminder: Jay Cutler completed 62 percent of his passes in the NFL.)
“Just dropped my phone in the water,” he says with zero emotion. “My phone’s gone. I missed my pocket.” (I like how he says “My phone’s gone,” like he’s part of a gang that’s robbing a bank and his phone is the safe-cracker who just got taken out by the police.)
“You’re not gonna go get it?” Kristin asks, completely stunned by the idea that a human could continue to live without a cellphone.
“I’m not gonna dive in the water,” Jay responds.
I gotta side with Jay Cutler here. Once the phone falls into the river, it’s game over. In that muddy-ass water, you’re never going to find it, and even if you do, it’s definitely broken beyond repair. Diving into the water after it would have been an extreme move. Besides, Jay Cutler has Turn My Car Horn Into Train Sounds money—he can afford to just go buy a new one.
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
I mean, really? Did you not read the section above? All of the things that happened this week were the Most Jay Cutler things I’ve ever seen Jay Cutler do. We should all feel blessed.
Next week we’re going to Italy (the travel budget for Season 3 of Very Cavallari is fuckin’ LIT). Jay Cutler will drive a Ferrari that presumably does not have a customized horn.