All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—and welcome back to this blog, where we’ll once again go on a Jay Journey to discuss his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and hand out an award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week.
Pool Time With Jay Cutler’s Ducks
Very Cavallari has about three stock montages it uses to transition between settings: There’s the Nashville sights quick-cut; the Uncommon James storefront quick-cut; and the time-lapse drive from downtown Nashville to Jay Cutler’s house, which is interspersed with shots of random cows:
The show is very deliberate in telling its audience “This motherfucker lives on a farm.” Of course, this message goes beyond the transition: Many scenes at Jay Cutler’s house also begin with miscellaneous farm activities, before Jay and Kristin get into a conversation that sets up the actual events of an episode. Which is how we ended up here, watching Jay Cutler drop a bunch of ducks into a trough:
Is this what duck ownership is? You feed ’em, and then every once in a while pick ’em up and put ’em in some water? It honestly seems very nice; I’d love to give a duck a bath. Before watching this show my general feeling on farms was “LOL nah,” but little by little—one duck bath at a time—I’m being converted to full-on rural life.
Kristin is headed to Los Angeles for the Emmys—to be clear, as if this disclosure is even slightly necessary, Very Cavallari was not nominated; she’s going to host a red carpet show for E!—so she asks whether Jay Cutler would like to come. “I mean, if the invite’s being thrown my way, I’ll come and support,” he responds, which is about the most tepid response to any kind of invitation that I’ve ever heard. “Jay doesn’t love L.A.,” Kristin explains, “because he doesn’t (a) love paparazzi”—she says this as someone who clearly does love paparazzi—“but (b) he just doesn’t really like the people there.” That sounds about right—I don’t see Mr. Drop Some Ducks in Water really fitting in at Erewhon.
But while it is initially surprising that Jay Cutler ends up going to L.A., it soon becomes clear that he has ulterior motives: He’s there to find out how the TV biz works. While Kristin rehearses for her show, he sets up behind the camera and listens in, getting the lay of the land and observing the mechanics of this whole broadcast thingamajiggy.
“So who’s running the whole show here? Who’s that guy?” Jay asks. “Maybe he can be a mentor for me.” A second later, he’s pretty sure he’s got the whole thing down:
But before we ship this screen test off to Fox and sign a deal to make Jay Cutler the next Tony Romo, it must be said that Jay Cutler still has a long way to go. Later in the episode, upon hearing that Kristin will be reading off a teleprompter during the show, he says, “I thought you were just kinda winging this.”
So there you have it: Jay Cutler seems to be under the impression that being a color guy for Fox would involve zero prep and would entail simply being a sweet dude. Which, now that I type it out, that’s absolutely what should happen. Don’t even tell Jay Cutler what games he’s working; shuttle him to the stadium blindfolded, pop him in the booth just before kickoff, and then have Kevin Burkhardt be like, “So what’d ya see there, Jay?”
That sounds like broadcast gold.
Jay Cutler, Fit Model
My guy is cut—though he’s being pretty chill about it. In this episode Jay and Kristin visit with Kristin’s dad and the first thing he says to Jay is “You lost weight.” You can’t tell from the angle of the shot, but there’s a small chance Kristin’s dad pinched Jay when he said this:
“Um, a little bit,” Jay Cutler responds. This is what we call humility, because this is not the first time Jay’s frame has been remarked upon this season. Let’s go back to Episode 2, when Jay Cutler popped in on Kristin’s friends and this happened:
“Do I?” he says in response, like the coy little bitch he is. This guy knows he’s killing it; that he’s in the best shape of his life. But as if those two instances weren’t enough of an ego boost, in the middle of Kristin’s prep shoot for the Emmys, while Jay is listening in off-camera, this happens:
Just in case this needs further translation, yes, this is E!’s Brad Goreski drooling over Jay Cutler and then inquiring about the details of Jay Cutler’s penis.
All that time ... [checks past recaps] playing basketball with the dads from his kids’ school is really paying off. (Note to all other NFL quarterbacks: Play pickup basketball instead of whatever you’re doing; it’s the future of bulking.)
Jay Cutler on Boobs
The “that” in this situation is Kristin Cavallari’s left boob. It is “out,” according to Jay, and he would like it “in.” His suggestions for how to achieve this are as follows:
- “We’re gonna buy bras.”
- “Maybe we should get different shirts that maybe are less …”
And that’s the end of the list. “They’re not for everybody,” Jay Cutler concludes.
So to recap Jay Cutler’s thoughts: Boobs—they’re not for everybody.
Jay Cutler, IV Aficionado/Possible Pants-Pooper
Frickin’ out of nowhere in this episode, Kristin Cavallari’s like, “Jay and I love an IV.” She says it so nonchalantly that I had to rewind to make sure I heard her right. And as she expanded that thought (thank God she did), I uttered the sentence “This is some rich-people shit” at least three times:
“Not only are they great for a hangover, but they’re really good pre–red carpet because after traveling and everything you just kinda feel gross, and your skin’s a little dehydrated, so I do what’s called a ‘beauty bag’ and there’s a ton of vitamins and minerals in there and it just gets you kind of glowing again and gives you a lot of energy.”
So yeah, while your poor ass is over there drinking 5-Hour Energies, the 1 percent is getting the good shit injected straight into their veins. And when Kristin says it gets you “glowing again,” boy, was she not lying:
But there are side effects—specifically in Jay Cutler’s case, getting an IV can make your butt super hot. “I got really hot in my back and then my bottom,” Jay admits. And if it wasn’t clear why he’s smiling like a third-grader when he says this, it soon becomes clear:
“I can’t believe you just sat through that and didn’t say anything!” Kristin responds, making a very fair point.
“Well, what are you gonna say? ‘Hey, I might’ve pooped myself?’” (Yes! Yes that is what you should say if you think you pooped your pants! Silently sitting in your actual shit is NOT THE RIGHT MOVE!)
“I was just gonna sit here until everyone left and hope for the best,” Jay continues.
“What if it started smelling like shit?” Kristin responds, very clearly the adult in this conversation.
“I was willing to take that risk, I guess,” Jay answers.
Every day I’m thankful that this show is in my life.
The Most Jay Cutler Thing That Happened This Week
You could definitely make the argument that Jay Cutler’s response to possibly pooping his pants perfectly fits his “do nothing” life philosophy, but let’s give him a break on that—he was poop-spooked into inaction. You can’t judge a guy with a hot butt.
So instead, I’m giving this week’s award to this image:
It is just the perfect portrait of his and Kristin’s relationship—her in a couture gown having spent hours doing her hair and makeup; him in jeans and a freaking baseball tee. Put this in the Louvre; title it A Portrait of a Man Whose Butt Is on Fire.
Next week, Jay Cutler’s going camping. There isn’t much that could top this episode, but camping might just be it. See you then.