All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. On his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—and welcome back to this blog, where we’ll once again go on a Jay Journey to discuss his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and hand out an award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week.
What Is Jay Cutler Up to This Week?
At least when watching Very Cavallari, the four most beautiful words in the English language are “What are you doing?” Kristin has asked her husband this question repeatedly during Very Cavallari’s three seasons, and it has always resulted in greatness. See: the time Jay Cutler replied, “I’m not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking to do the exact opposite of that”; or the time he pretended to have a laundry list of tasks to accomplish, only to reveal, when prompted, that the list included only one item: “Gotta, uh, get my garden going.”
At this point, I’m assuming Cavallari producers just tell Kristin to ask Jay this on a regular basis, knowing that it’ll produce gold. She did it again this week, and Jay Cutler had a “lengthy” list ready to go:
- “We’re in prime mowing season, obviously.” (He says this to his wife like she’s a total idiot.)
- “We’ll have more ducks coming in, more chickens coming in.”
- “I gotta sell a house.”
We’ll get to the house thing shortly; and even though Kristin may be too stupid to know it’s MOW SZN, I am not, because I watch Very Cavallari and last week I saw Jay Cutler riding a tank-sized lawn mower:
You obviously don’t buy a machine like this unless [checks notes] your grass is growing at a slightly higher rate than usual. (Obviously.)
So I’m most interested in the fowl situation at the Cutler manor. More ducks and more chickens? Why? Doesn’t Jay Cutler have enough birds? Or … is Jay Cutler slaughtering his own poultry? Do the Cutlers only eat farm-raised chicken, with the specific farm in question being “Jay Cutler’s yard”? Honestly, sounds like a nice life (for Jay Cutler, not for the chickens who are dying at his hands).
Jay Cutler Still Hasn’t Sold His Old Mansion
When this show began, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari were living in a laughably gigantic house.
The specs on this baby? Twenty thousand square feet, 25 total rooms, seven bedrooms, seven and a half bathrooms, finished basement, movie theater, all sitting on an 8.56-acre property. It’s basically the Versailles of Nashville, and I say that not only because of its size, but because the aesthetic is 100 percent “if you asked a cowboy what luxury is.” Look at this sauna:
Kristin and Jay moved out of this house at the end of Season 1 and into a smaller home (who woulda thunk that the massive mansion would feel too massive?), and ever since then they’ve been struggling to sell their original palace. In 2018, the house was listed at $7.9 million (the Cutlers originally bought it for $5.3 million in 2008). This past September, they brought the price down to $5.75 million. That’s more than a 25 percent discount—and they still can’t get anybody to buy it!
Personally, I’m shocked. Truly, it is stunning that the House That Only an Extremely Wealthy Former NFL Quarterback Would Live In is not finding any buyers in the burgeoning real estate market of NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE.
You know what, guy? You don’t deserve to live in Jay Cutler’s old, ridiculously huge house.
Jay Cutler, Zero Water
In the discipline of astrology, water is a symbol of emotional sensitivity—those with water signs in their astrological charts feel more intensely than others. I tell you this because of something Kristin says to Jay Cutler in this episode:
Hm, maybe there’s something to this whole astrology thing after all.
The Most Jay Cutler Thing That Happened This Week
At the end of Thursday night’s episode, Jay Cutler and Kristin hit up 5th & Taylor, a high-end Nashville restaurant that appears to be in a place that is more spacious than any building I have ever been to in Brooklyn, New York. And you already fuckin’ know what Jay ordered:
You should know by now how my guy feels about grilled meats. This is a man who once wore a shirt just to dunk on vegans:
In the very first episode of this show, Jay Cutler ordered an assortment of exotic game from a similarly fancy Nashville restaurant; he once had a cooler full of random meats. Whatever item on your menu promises the most amount of grilled meats—that’s what Jay Cutler’s ordering.
Nashville restaurants shouldn’t even ask Jay Cutler what he wants when he comes in. Waiters should just run to the refrigerator, pull out six to 10 cuts of various meats, and start cooking ASAP. Duck? Great. Venison and pork sausage? Sure. You got bison in there? Cool—slap that shit on the grill. Jay Cutler wants meat and he wants meat now.
See you next week, when Jay Cutler returns to Chicago (and is welcomed back with a citywide parade, I’m assuming).