As a rule, Sophie Turner’s engagements have not gone very well. First came a most eligible blond bachelor, who turned out to be a brute with a masochistic streak who ordered the beheading of her father. Then came an arranged marriage to said blond’s uncle, a pairing orchestrated purely as a vengeful joke. Then a dubious heir to her family’s ancestral homeland, who revealed himself to be more brutish and masochistic than the rest. “You were the best of them,” she told partner no. 2, shortly before joining him (offscreen, alas) in jabbing some zombies.
So let us rejoice in the delight of awakening Thursday to the news that Sophie Turner has tied the knot with fiancé no. 4—her first, yes, as actual Sophie Turner, and not as poor Sansa Stark. The lucky guy is one Joe Jonas, brother to Nick and Kevin (and the other one) and frontman to the band DNCE; the couple sealed the deal under the watchful eye of an Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas, just after decamping from the Billboard Music Awards, where Jonas performed. Turner made it official by licking a Ring Pop. Diplo streamed the whole thing. I, too, am distraught that my invitation somehow got lost in the mail.
But this is not all—far from it. Welcome, friends, to the spring—spring and, if the Lord of Light should bless us, summer?—of Sophie Turner.
You might first have noticed our girl’s ascendance back in March, when she partook in that most sacred of celebrity rituals: attending a sporting event at Madison Square Garden. (She opted for the Rangers and not the Knicks, a decision that is surely in her favor.) When the MSG powers that be put her on the Jumbotron, she responded by dabbing and then, to the delight of her fellow fans, chugging a full glass of red wine … while fiercely clutching a Juul. Cersei could never.
Days later, she graced the cover of Rolling Stone alongside Game of Thrones costar Maisie Williams; in the accompanying profile, she (a) implored the writer to join her in taking a shot of tequila, (b) suggested her rabbit tattoo might have sexual connotations, and (c) revealed that she was at one time a devoted Belieber. “Look at Joffrey as if he’s Justin Bieber and imagine that life,” she recounted the Thrones showrunners instructing her. (When she finally met Bieber, she responded as I imagine I will when I am one day introduced to her, so that our long-fated best friendship can commence: with a flail and post-verbal expression of delight.)
She’s since carried on the festivities. A case in point: taking a break from filming the Battle of Winterfell to, and I do not say this lightly, Superman dat snow. (And dab, again, obviously.) After Williams, as Arya, did the dirty in Thrones’ second episode this season, Turner took to social media to congratulate her pal and costar, once again with wine in hand:
why is no one on my tl talking about miss sophie referring to gendry as an easter bunny hop hop hopping into that PUSSAY? pic.twitter.com/aA9budFhwz— maia (@maia419) April 22, 2019
Meanwhile, Turner’s long-suffering Sansa has emerged in the final episodes of Game of Thrones as not only one of the show’s best strategists, but possibly the only one who’s any good at it at all. (Spoilers to come!) She coordinated the North’s ultimately successful defense against the White Walkers, dished populism with the Mother of Dragons, and, so far, has been the only one to think about such minor strategic points as how the hell are we going to feed the army, Jon, you blithering half-ponytailed incest dweeb? Also, she fed Ramsay Bolton to a pack of dogs, so. Earlier in the season, Arya described her older sister as the smartest person she’s ever known, and as the fate of Westeros marches on, it’s hard to quibble.
Next month, Turner will grace the silver screen as Jean Grey in Dark Phoenix. For our purposes, that means just one thing: The spring of Sophie Turner will carry on well into the summer [simultaneously hits dab and vape in honor of Sophie].