All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get started.
Would Jay Cutler Like a Matcha Latte?
Honestly, Kristin was so dumb to even ask.
Jay Cutler’s Sick Burn of the Week
All of Kristin’s friends were in from out of town, so she decided to throw a dinner party … at their old house, which apparently they still own? Kristin says that it’s “not selling”—maybe that $7.9 MILLION LIST PRICE is too high?—but it also seems like she just wants to hang on to it in case any of her friends need a place to stay. Which is a totally normal, not stinking-rich thing to do; when you already own a 10-acre farm, it’s perfectly chill to also own a little guest house that looks like this:
But I digress. The reason I mention this is because Kristin’s friend Kelly—one of the all-time most unnecessary reality TV characters—was late to the dinner party, and waltzed in looking like this:
Almost immediately, with a quickness I’d not yet seen in Jay Cutler, the man blurted out, “Were you at a Guns N’ Roses concert?” GOTDAMN!
Maybe even better than the actual burn, though, was how proud of himself Jay looked after he said it:
The One Where Mom and Dad Fight
Unfortunately, that was the one moment of joy at the dinner party—because this was the dreaded episode where Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari finally fought. I truly did not think this would happen on Very Cavallari—through 13 previous episodes, the couple has been portrayed as being spectacularly supportive and in love, an inspirational paragon of give-and-take. I had even begun to expect that, much like her choice to keep her kids off the show, Kristin had made a choice to edit any marital strife out of Very Cavallari. But I was being naive—I should’ve never expected a reality show to pass up a chance to broadcast human unhappiness.
The dinner-party blowup was foreshadowed earlier in the episode, as Kristin insisted that her and Jay’s marriage wasn’t perfect, and that they “definitely have issues.” As far as I can tell, though, the major issue in this fight was that Jay Cutler was absolutely fucking hammered. After a previous scene in which Jay, Kristin, and her friends went to a bowling alley, Jay was shown in the old house looking like this:
What’s up with my guy, I wondered, seconds before Kristin provided the answer: “Jay didn’t … stop drinking after bowling.” So yes, if you’ve been wondering what Wasted Jay Cutler looks like, here ya go. I took it upon myself to capture the Most Wasted Jay Cutler Moments of the Week:
It wasn’t going well, friends. And it got actually heated after Wasted Jay Cutler accused Relatively Sober Kristin Cavallari of spending all his money, a dubious claim at best—especially because he’s partially responsible for OWNING MULTIPLE MANSIONS IN THE SAME CITY. With the fight reaching a fever pitch—and just a reminder that this is happening in front of all of Kristin’s friends—Jay retreats. “I’m hiding,” he declares, picking up his glass of rosé and slamming a door on his way out. He then returns five seconds later.
“It’s very clear that Les Mis is here at this party,” Kristin says. That’s how bad this fight was—it prompted Kristin to bust out a nickname for Jay that she hadn’t used since the premiere of Very Cavallari. I actually gasped … and then considered what it says about me that I immediately knew the origin of this nickname. Whatever, moving on.
The fight ultimately resolved itself when Jay Cutler sidled up to Kristin and threw his arm around her and got super puppy dog-ish—a classic “wasted boyfriend makes a slew of mistakes and then finally realizes it” move if I’ve ever seen one. But it meant that mom and dad stopped fighting, and that’s all that really mattered to me.
Please, no more fights. My heart can’t take any more Jay Cutler–related sadness.
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
The next morning, in the wake of that dinner-party fiasco, Kristin has a little talk with Jay Cutler, and (rightfully) lets him know that she was disappointed by the display. He’s packing for a trip and “seeing what kind of duck hunting gear I have”—of course—but he’s smart enough to listen. And after Kristin finishes, he responds in the most Jay Cutler-y way possible.
“Rightfully so,” he says. “It wasn’t my best effort. I apologize, and obviously I’ll do better next time.”
This just must be what it’s like to be married to a former NFL quarterback. You’re about to go to bed and you mention that you felt disrespected when he made that joke about your thighs, and suddenly you’re at a postgame press conference. “Well I guess I didn’t read the barbecue right. We’ll go in and look at the tape and come back out ready to be respectful next weekend.”
You mention that he’s not pulling his weight with the household chores: “Well, ya know, we left a lot of dishes out there today. We gotta improve, you can’t get behind the sticks on loading the dishwasher like that.”
You mention that you noticed him looking at the waitress a little too much: “My eyes definitely weren’t in the right place, but we’ll get better with that, go out there next date night and have a better plan for disguising our plays.”
In other words, it’s probably really fun to be married to Jay Cutler. Come back next week; hopefully Jay will in fact do better next time.