All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Welcome to Season 3—actually, wait no, not yet. Before the actual show returns on January 13, we’ve got a Christmas special to tackle, a thing that primarily exists, I’m assuming, because E! couldn’t resist titling something “A Very Merry Cavallari.” Either way, join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a Christmas present for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment.
But First, One Thing …
Here is a recap of Jay Cutler’s offseason:
Before we got back into all of this, I just really want to make sure everyone is working with the same set of facts. Which are:
- Jay Cutler made a bracelet for Uncommon James
- That bracelet is also a bottle opener
- Jay Cutler’s hair has never looked better
I don’t really understand how the whole half-bracelet, half-bottle-opener thing works? I’ve watched the above video several (107) times, and I still can’t tell whether this piece of jewelry is just a bracelet with a gigantic bottle opener hanging off of it? And also there’s a candle called “Man Cave” that they’re selling with this thing? It has notes of “vanilla,” “leather,” and “whiskey?” And can we talk about what they’re calling the color of this thing?
Whatever. It’s all besides the point, which is that Jay Cutler’s making jewelry now. I’m really happy for him, and you gotta admit that $72 for a bracelet, a bottle opener, and a candle is a pretty sick deal.
Jay Cutler’s Christmas Sweaters, Ranked
3. This one (points deducted for covering it up like a coward):
2. This bad boy:
1. This guy, enhanced by the Christmas decoration necklace:
Jay Cutler Hates Chalk
Really wish I could’ve gotten more of an explanation as to why Jay Cutler vehemently opposes giving his children chalk for Christmas. I assume it’s a tactile thing—or a dad thing: hating instruments that can cause cosmetic destruction to a home is a major dad move—but what if it went deeper? What if Philip Rivers loves chalk, gives it to his 23 children every year, and Jay, hating Phil, made a vow to swear off all the things he loved? I Googled “philip rivers chalk” and nothing came up, but just because there’s zero evidence of a thing doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
Let Me Get This Joke Off
Believe it or not, this was not a football-related question.
The Philosophy of Throwing a Good Party, With Jay Cutler
Because every episode of Very Cavallari—including this Christmas special—must revolve around Kristin’s frustration over her dumbass employees not doing their jobs well enough, the crux of this special was the rush to plan and assemble the Uncommon James holiday party. And of course, it wasn’t going the way Kristin wanted it to: Everything was behind schedule, and only Kristin seemed concerned about how poorly such a disaster would reflect on the brand!!!!! (I guess this is what happens when you spend two-plus years watching this show; you grow tired and disillusioned and you start to miss the bonkers redhead girl from Season 1. What was her name again?)
Leave it to the wise Jay Cutler, though, to assuage Kristin’s fears. After listening to her whining for a while and nodding a lot …
… he jumps in and says, “Question for you: Is there an open bar?”
“Yeah,” Kristin replies.
“Then it’s all gonna be fine.”
Here’s the thing: Jay Cutler is 100 percent correct. An open bar is a cure-all—people’s love of free drinks outweighs all their opinions on decorations and whether or not there was a photo booth. All of the parties with open bars that I’ve been to have been good; the only thing I remember about the cash-bar parties I’ve been to is that they weren’t open bar. Make Jay Cutler plan every party: There will be kegs randomly strewn across the floor, several ice luges, meat hanging from the ceilings, and everyone will LOVE IT.
Steeped in a stressful photo shoot with a bunch of children, Kristin Cavallari comes up with a solution that I’m absolutely positive wasn’t just a producer invention: She asks him to put on a Santa Claus costume. It’s a pretty good bit—I mean, look at the guy:
But I’m more so bringing this up because of how Jay responded when Kristin first asked him to put the suit on. “I’d be playing Santa? For the kids?” he asks. “This isn’t just ‘put on a costume’; this is playing a part.” Well OK, Daniel Jay Lewis! I had no idea we had such a method actor on our hands!
Once the suit is on, Jay does play the hell out of the part (and of course he does: He’s from Santa Claus, Indiana). He waves; he asks kids what they want for Christmas; he does a deeper voice, like, 20 percent of the time. My only criticism of his performance is that at the end he sort of implies that Santa Claus and Kristin Cavallari are in a sexual relationship, which is just disturbing and plainly not canon.
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
So maybe this isn’t quintessential Cutler—but I think we need to have a brief conversation about what it means to be Jay Cutler–esque in the year 2019. Such distinction is no longer primarily defined by a show of laziness, apathy, or deer-related obsession. After two full seasons, we know a lot more about this guy: His devotion to Kristin and their family, his love for meat, his passion for jewelry-making. And we also know now that he’s just really funny, whether intentionally or unintentionally. That’s why the Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Christmas Special was Jay Cutler attempting to ice skate:
My guy was a fairly successful professional athlete. There are probably four to six NFL teams that would start him right now. But put a pair of skates on him and he turns into a toddler. “I feel like roller-blading was so much easier than this,” Jay says, just before making that jittery move that people make when they don’t know how to ice skate. “Oh my gosh. I’m just concentrating on not trying to fall.”
You would laugh at this man (in fact, you probably are right now). You would skate by this guy and mutter, “Psh what a loser,” under your breath, not knowing that you were talking about a man who made over $100 million playing football and who could actually kick your ass. What a humbling, hilarious experience. Now I just need to see Jay Cutler in those rollerblades.