The Bachelorette came so close to getting it right. Two weeks ago, Becca and Colton drove over the Virgin River, presumably one of the driest rivers in bone-dry Nevada. Last week, they went to Virginia, which as we were repeatedly told, is for lovers, even though it’s named after somebody who didn’t do much loving at all. Then on Monday night, Colton finally revealed to Becca his deepest, darkest secret—that he has never done a sex—while the pair was in the Bahamas. Here’s my beef: How did the show not force them to go to the Virgin Islands?! Come on! It was right there!
Yes, Colton is a virgin. He said that he doesn’t like to talk about this much—“I’m not even sure my dad knows,” Colton admitted, because he apparently believes the person most likely to know about any man’s sexual activity is his dad. (Will Colton tell his dad when he ditches virginity and becomes A Sex Guy? Stay tuned!) I have my doubts, though, because he did seemingly talk about it plenty on The Bachelorette; every other contestant seemed to know about his virginity, and the show’s cameramen knew about it enough to do this:
I would enjoy the Bachelor/ette more if it was populated entirely by people who would never in their life go on a reality dating show but instead I'll settle for the dude who didn't sue them over this criminally unsubtle telegraphing. pic.twitter.com/VSNxeMrzNh— Hannah Keyser (@HannahRKeyser) July 1, 2018
(I guess it’s possible the cameramen didn’t know Colton was a virgin when he or she zoomed in on this sign; maybe Bachelorette cameramen zoom in on potentially foreshadow-y signs every time a contestant passes one, in hopes it pays off.)
Everything else was going really well for Colton and Becca before his admission. Becca was describing Colton as “a bronzed god” and saying things like, “He can pick me up and do whatever he wants to do.” That’s the horniest thing anybody has ever said on The Bachelorette, a show in which, every season, the Bachelorette picks three contestants she wants to have sex with and then has sex with them. If there’s anybody on the show that the Bachelorette describes as “a bronzed god” and says that he is allowed to “pick you up and do whatever he wants to do,” the show should end right there. That’s probably the guy she wants to be in a relationship with. So you wouldn’t have expected the virginity thing to shake Becca—recent polling reveals that almost 100 percent of Americans are either virgins or were once virgins—but when Colton dropped the V-bomb, it gave her pause. Literally—she got up in the middle of their dinner and walked away to compose her thoughts. Personally, I find that a really good thing to do when somebody is being vulnerable and opening up to you is to immediately walk away—it ensures that the vulnerable person will have enough time to stew in their self-hatred and doubt.
Eventually (and mercifully), Becca returned and invited Colton to next week’s hometown dates. Maybe there they can talk to his dad about his ongoing virginity!
Second-Biggest Missed Opportunity: More Colton Jokes
On the second date of the episode, Garrett and Becca went riding on a seaplane. It was pretty boring—as it turns out, Garrett is pretty bad at talking, which is something we honestly should’ve figured out when his opening move this season was to do a Chris Farley “van down by the river” impression in the year 2018. But one thing I noticed was the tail of the seaplane, which bore the logo of a small Barbadian airline corporation called Trans Island Air. Specifically, it just had TIA written on it in huge letters.
I can’t believe this. First, producers forget to take Colton the Virgin to the Virgin Islands, and then they also forget to have Colton the Guy who Dated Ex-Contestant Tia ride a plane that literally says “TIA” on it? Come on! This is easy! Do I have to do everything around here?
Most Confusing Moment: The Baha Men
Unfortunately, being in the Bahamas threw a real wrench in The Bachelorette’s weekly tradition of having a generic male radio-country-music singer serenade lovers. I’m sure they could have gotten a completely generic male radio-country-music singer to fly to the Bahamas, but it wouldn’t have felt right to have Brayden Wrangler or Taylor Lubbock or Hunter Rivers jamming out on the beach. (If any of these are actual country musicians, I apologize.)
Instead, because the show was in the Bahamas, we got the Baha Men. That’s right—the Grammy Award–winning artists who made the first song I ever got tired of hearing, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” That’s right—they won a Best Dance Recording Grammy for that song. Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga and Rihanna and Madonna and the Baha Men have won that award. The Grammys are weird.
The first time the Men were shown on screen, they were performing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Because obviously: It is, by far, their largest hit. Someone in the crowd had a dog on a leash, apparently under the belief he was attending a concert by the band that made the song “Who Properly Maintained Control of the Dogs?” If I were in the Baha Men, I would definitely keep about 30 or 40 dogs backstage at every concert, and then at the end of every concert, I’d pretend that we were about to finish the performance without playing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and we’d pick up all our instruments and leave the stage, but then we’d come back and play the song and unleash the herd of pups into the thrilled crowd. Just an idea.
However, Becca was not there when the Baha Men played “Who Let the Dogs Out?” She was meeting up with her date, Blake, and telling him that they were going for a romantic stroll down the beach. But, surprise—she told the camera about her secret plan to lead him to the Baha Men, who were going to perform their new song, “Bumpa.”
This must have been confusing for Blake. He was walked to a concert of a band playing a song that was not “Who Let the Dogs Out?” he danced for a bit, he probably observed the dog and thought, “Wow, weird that somebody brought a dog here!” and then he and Becca left. Does he even know that he saw a Grammy Award–winning artist?
Biggest Humblebrag: Chris Harrison
This episode didn’t have a rose ceremony—just four dates, one of which featured the elimination of two contestants. That’s a bummer for Chris Harrison, whose primary job is to show up at the rose ceremonies to tell everybody that there’s one rose remaining. Let it never be said that Chris Harrison can’t count, because he’s certainly COUNTING THIS PAPER.
The show couldn’t completely abandon Chris, though—he’s a producer on the show, and you bet your ass he’s taking that free trip to the Bahamas—so the episode started with a forced conversation between Chris and Becca. It was a good talk, full of normal stuff like: “You went to Vegas … how would you bet on this season ending?” Chris Harrison, Segue King. But my favorite part was when Becca revealed that she’d never been to the Bahamas. Chris responded, with an air of incredulity, “You’ve never been here before?” She explained how great it is, to which he then responded, “I’m feeling like I’m here for the first time, too!”
Chris Harrison wants you to know that he has been to the Bahamas before, and he has no idea how some of you peasants haven’t. Then, after this one conversation, Chris departed and never appeared in the episode again. His job was over, the checks were cashed, and he was free to spend a few days in the Bahamas sipping on cocktails by the beach and not having to feign interest in whether Becca finds love. My guy knows how to live. Get paid, king.
Biggest Overplay: Conch Humor
Just as Colton was about to tell Becca about his virginity on a boat, the two were interrupted by another boat honking at them. The boat was driven by a native Bahamian who wanted to teach them how to dive for conch. Colton dove to the bottom of the shallow water and caught some conch suspiciously easily, at which point the Bahamian man prepared the conch for them to eat, while eagerly informing the two that conch is an aphrodisiac. After last week’s oyster dive, this is the second straight week Becca has been forced to harvest her own food straight from the sea and then told that eating it will make her horny.
More notably, though, roughly 90 percent of this bit revolved around the word conch. Seeing the word written out, you might think it’s pronounced “con-ch,” like I did the first time I ordered conch when I was covering a story in the Bahamas—THAT’S RIGHT, CHRIS HARRISON, TWO OF US CAN BRAG ABOUT HAVING BEEN SENT TO THE BAHAMAS FOR WORK—but it’s actually pronounced “conk.” Which kinda sounds like “cock.” Which led to, like, 90 solid seconds of discussion of getting conk, loving conk, etc.
Do you guys realize how hard you gotta oversell dick jokes for me to want them to stop? Tragic.
Biggest Bummer: Leo and Wills
Becca had to trim her flock from six to four in advance of hometown dates, and to do so, she held a three-person group date in which only Jason, Leo, or Wills would get a rose.
Now, none of these three are exactly front-runners. Jason is the guy whose name she forgot earlier this season, and forgetting a man’s name is the exact opposite of calling a man a bronzed god and fantasizing about them picking you up and doing whatever they want to you; Leo is the perpetually peppy stuntman with the beautiful mane who spent his entire one-on-one date with Becca assuaging her angst about the flip-flopping behavior of departed contestant Chris; Wills is the nerd who likes talking about being a nerd and spent his entire one-on-one with Becca assuaging her angst about the flip-flopping behavior of departed contestant Jean-Blanc.
If Becca had to pick one, I would have preferred she picked one of the two interesting guys, but she left Leo on the beach and dumped Wills over dinner. Leo was expected, as he hadn’t really developed much of a bond with Becca, although they did always seem to be having fun. Wills being sent home, though, caught me off-guard. He liked talking about his feelings with Becca, which normally buys you some time. Instead, he was placed in a limo, which he eventually got out of to avoid being filmed crying. (This did not work—they turned the cameras toward him.)