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Don’t You Hate It When Multiple Women Go Into Labor During Yoga Class?: ‘9-1-1’ Watch, Week 7

Plus: cannibalism, home invasions, and a tapeworm the length of Kristaps Porzingis

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Sometimes, you don’t know how much you miss something until it’s gone. It can be a partner, a friend, a favorite restaurant—or it can be the Fox emergency-responder procedural, 9-1-1. Ryan Murphy’s new show didn’t leap out of the gate so much as demolish that gate with a stick of TNT and light itself on fire to the tune of Papa Roach’s “Last Resort.” These firefighters and emergency dispatchers weren’t just answering regular 911 calls; they were rescuing babies stuck in pipes, beheading pythons, and nearly choking to death on complimentary table bread next to Golden Globe–nominated actress Connie Britton. The first six episodes of 9-1-1 made for some of the most addicting and unforgettably ridiculous television I’ve ever seen.

But then, after the Valentine’s Day–themed sixth episode, 9-1-1 took a two-week hiatus. Life no longer had any meaning. Other television shows felt tame by comparison—sure, Daniel Bruhl and Dakota Fanning were trying to catch a serial killer on The Alienist, but where is the late-1800s phone sex? Wednesday night, 9-1-1 finally, graciously returned, and it didn’t disappoint. The episode was called “Full Moon (Creepy AF),” and let me tell you, there certainly was a lot of talk about full moons, and, at times, it was Creepy AF! Let’s break it all down.

The Wildest Shit That Happened on 9-1-1 This Week

So this was the very real premise: Our heroes work the night shift on a night when there is a full moon, and everyone seems divided on whether a full moon means more wild shit is going to happen. Sex-addict firefighter/bread-choker Buck (Oliver Stark), for instance, believes a full moon means heavier gravity (??), though he admits he just read that online. “Is the internet considered a scientific publication?” Buck asks, which, incidentally, is exactly what Kyrie Irving says when people ask him why he thinks the earth is flat.

But Buck might be onto something. The first sign of trouble comes from an adorable old lady named Nora, who is worried about a man standing right outside the door to her backyard.

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When firefighters Hen (Aisha Hinds) and Chimney (Kenneth Choi), as well as policewoman Athena (Angela Bassett) arrive on the scene, there is no sign of this man outside. And that’s when it hits Hen: Nora is staring at a reflection, and that guy has been inside the home standing right behind her. That is Creepy AF! They ask Nora if she can stay somewhere else for the night, so she heads over to her daughter’s house. (This is important—more on it later.)

Bobby (Peter Krause) and Buck, meanwhile, respond to a different kind of emergency: A lady in a pregnant yoga class slips a disk while stuck in Locust pose.

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I didn’t know the position by name, but Buck does, because he’s dated “like 50 yoga instructors,” which sounds like a total Buck move. Anyway, there are a lot of pregnant women in this class, but none of them are about to go into lab—

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Oh boy, contractions. Not good. The lady is gonna have to deliver a baby right there in the yoga studio. At least Buck and Bobby are there to help; they can handle one emergency bir—

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Jesus, another one?! Hmm. Well, there are two emergency responders on the scene, so they can split up and help deliver one baby each. Plus, there are all these other women there who can help out. They just have to hope a third wo—

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OH, COME ON?!?! THREE BABIES INSIDE A YOGA STUDIO? GOING INTO LABOR ISN’T LIKE YAWNING—THEY AREN’T CONTAGIOUS!

Two babies are delivered in the yoga studio, and the third woman (in order of contractions) goes to the hospital for an emergency C-section. Buck blames all of this on the full moon, naturally.

Somehow though, that might not have been the wildest thing to happen in this episode. Athena, Hen, and Chimney respond to another 911 call plucked straight from the news: There is a dude eating another guy’s face off.

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Was the guy high on bath salts? Well, let’s see what he sees when Athena politely tells him to stop eating another person’s face.

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Whoa, what the hell? Did the psychedelic drug from Batman Begins make it to the streets of L.A.? Is this going to be a citywide cannibal rampage?

After tasering the guy to no avail, Athena kills him, which is the only thing she can do. Don’t feel too bad—like, this guy was eating faces. Also, he sorta looked like Logan Paul.

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OK, back to Nora. Remember her, the nice old lady who unknowingly had an intruder inside her home, standing right behind her in a Creepy AF way? Well, *deep breath* emergency dispatcher Abby (Britton) links a home-invasion murder from that same night to Nora’s daughter, who is also named Nora. Her violent ex-husband was trying to find Young Nora, and after failing to find Young Nora at Old Nora’s house, he visited Young Nora’s friend and murdered her. It’s quite horrific; Abby hears this all happen over the phone.

After putting the pieces together, Abby ends up saving both Noras’ lives. She got Young Nora on the phone just in time to get her to protect herself when the ex-husband comes barging through the home. Then, just as the ex-husband—who for a moment, honestly looked like David Harbour—finds Old Nora hiding in the shower, Young Nora goes full Negan and beats him to death with a baseball bat.

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I swear I’m not trying to advocate for people dying on 9-1-1, but the deaths of Evil David Harbour and Cannibal Logan Paul felt justified. (And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but people act really weird during full moons!)

That has be to the worst of it, right? Episode over, right?

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Oh dear God. Before Bobby and Buck even arrive to the scene, you know where this is going. There is a man talking about how he eats a lot of sushi. He says he feels like “John Hurt in Alien right now.” (Good reference, sushi man.) This is going to be a tapeworm situation. If you are squeamish with these kinds of things, please avert your eyes for a moment as Buck removes a 7-foot tapeworm from a man’s anus in an ambulance.

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Extremely same, Peter Krause. This is the moment when I nearly vomited, and where 9-1-1 lost all of its goodwill. Is there any way the show can make amends, I wondered.

Important 9-1-1 Life Moment

There are a few things 9-1-1 wants you to know about Britton’s emergency dispatcher, Abby: She’s good at her job, her mother with Alzheimer’s lives at home with her, and she’s painfully single. The way 9-1-1 harped on that last fact in previous episodes was so bad that we were forced to hand out weekly awards for how the show continually slapped Abby across the face with reminders about how lonely she was. Eventually, though, a glimmer of hope emerged, clad in firefighter gear: Buck was into Abby. The downsides? Well, he’s a self-professed sex-addict and he nearly choked to death via bread on their first date. Still, Buck seemed to care about Abby, and Abby deserved to live a little.

At the end of this week’s episode, Abby gets a knock on the door.

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Hell. Yes. Buck is still talking about the full moon and its “magic,” which is horny talk for “I found another excuse to have sex.” Is it finally going to happen? Will the most repressed sexual tension this side of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir finally be satisfied?

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YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9-1-1, you’re immediately forgiven for that tapeworm nonsense. Onto the weekly awards:

Worst Tapeworm-Adjacent Comment: “This is insane. It’s like a magician’s handkerchief.” Thanks, boyfriend of the guy giving birth to worm the length of Kristaps Porzingis.

Worst Quote About the Full Moon’s Magical Powers: From Hen: “No one knows why things get so weird when the moon is full. Why it makes people act so crazy. All I know is that on this job, the one night you need to be ready for anything, is a night when the moon is full.” There is absolutely zero scientific evidence backing this up!

Best Angela Bassett Live-Tweet:

Best Random Celebrity Falling Under the 9-1-1 Spell: Leslie Jones.

Welcome aboard.

Come back next week as Peter Krause might have a life-threatening illness. Don’t worry, your coworker got a metal spike through his head and he’s already back on the job!