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Don’t Eat Cockroaches (or LSD-laced Fudge): ‘9-1-1’ Watch, Week 5

This week on the wildest show on TV, firefighters get high, news reporters nearly die, and one mom lodges her high heel into another mom’s head

Ringer illustration

Watching 9-1-1 is a natural high, one that always has me standing on top of my couch and screaming at the top of my lungs within minutes. It’s hard not to have an intense physical reaction while watching firefighters exclusively respond to emergencies that seem to be written by a bunch of raccoons chugging down a cocktail of Red Bull and LSD. In this universe, our heroes respond to calls about a man trapped in an ATM and a woman getting her head stuck in a tailpipe within hours like it’s any given Tuesday, which apparently, it just is.

But how wild would 9-1-1 be [takes hit] if the firefighters themselves were high? Monday night’s episode was called “Dosed,” and it sure as hell lived up to the title. Let’s break it all down.

The Wildest Shit That Happened on 9-1-1 This Week

Picture this: You’re a 9-1-1 operator in Los Angeles, and you’ve just started your shift. Most of your screened calls are very menial things—and then suddenly a local news traffic reporter is informing you in their best newscaster voice that the helicopter they’re in is about to crash.

All screenshots and GIFs via Fox

Imagine being so committed to your brand that in what might end up being the waning moments of your life, you stick to the bit. Say what you will about Taylor Kelly, she is a goddamn traffic capital-J Journalist. Give her the Pulitzer now.

Given 9-1-1’s propensity for flight-related drama—Season 1 didn’t just have a commercial jet crash into the ocean, but also had a small, two-person passenger plane make an emergency landing after a proposal gone wrong—I braced for the worst. Like, humans-turning-into-sashimi-via-propellers levels of bad. But amazingly, this ended up being a fairly routine emergency for our firefighter heroes. The helicopter landed somewhat evenly on some bleachers, and everyone onboard was saved before anything gnarly happened.

Taylor was so grateful for the firefighters saving her life—and so disinterested in jumping back inside a helicopter after nearly crashing—that she decided to film a piece about the team themselves. And with a camera crew set to follow the heroes during their wild emergencies, 9-1-1 suddenly got meta. As Taylor and her team soon discovered, L.A.’s firefighters are exclusively involved in batshit scenarios that make for compelling television. Take this emergency call to [squints] an exotic animal pet store where [squints even harder] a competitive eating contest was underway and one contestant [nearly vomits] was choking to death on a bunch of live crickets.

The contestants could eat anything that was part of a monitor lizard’s diet. My guy nearly died trying to win 500 bucks and a monitor lizard; another lady opted to eat cockroaches. This is the last time I watch 9-1-1 over dinner.

Yet somehow none of this compares to what the firefighters ended up doing to themselves—the real reason this episode is called “Dosed.” As Chimney (Kenneth Choi) explained to Taylor while she was working on her report, the station gets a ton of goodies from civilians, and the firefighters love it: What better thanks for their service could there be than an endless supply of snacks? This time, Chimney was bummed to find out everyone else had eaten some fudge that came in, but before he had much time to mope, the team headed out for another call.

Station chief Bobby (Peter Krause) sat the call out, which gave Taylor the perfect opportunity to do a one-on-one interview. And that’s when it became clear that Bobby was high as a kite.

Bobby ate some fudge; so did everyone heading to the call not named Chimney. You know where this is going. It doesn’t make it any less incredible.

“Your guys be trippin’,” policewoman Athena (Angela Bassett) accurately told Chimney, who was essentially on his own to handle a pageant that took a turn for the gruesome when one Toddlers & Tiaras mom became so irate that she STUCK HER HIGH HEEL IN ANOTHER MOM’S FACE.

Only 9-1-1 could show a lady with a shoe in her face and have it be the second most interesting thing happening in the room. Firefighters! Be! Trippin’! Balls!

The spiked fudge was ultimately tested for LSD—and the culprit turned out to be the owner of the aforementioned exotic pet shop, who wanted to provide the firefighters “a little clarity” (??) for their troubles. The lesson here is that the firefighters should actually check the food that’s sent to them—God forbid someone tried to poison them! That being said, I could totally envision 9-1-1 doing an episode three years from now in which a complimentary seafood paella results in all the firefighters puking their guts out during an emergency. And now, time for some weekly awards.

Best High Firefighter Moment: So many to choose from, but I loved Buck (Oliver Stark) and Eddie’s (Ryan Guzman) brief existential breakdown.

Best Almost Reveal: One of 9-1-1’s enduring mysteries is the origin of Chimney’s nickname, and why the hell a firefighter would willingly allow himself to be called Chimney by all of his coworkers. The show has previously teased what it means before, but during Taylor’s reporting Hen (Aisha Hinds) says the story is “not one you can tell on TV.”

What Hen is basically saying is: It’s probably related to his penis.

Worst Game: Buck developed a bit of a crush on Taylor Kelly, the local traffic reporter who, again, will do an actual news signoff while ostensibly plummeting to her death. (There’s a lot to like.) Unfortunately, Buck’s flirting techniques were a bit rusty since Connie Britton’s Abby left him in dating purgatory while she travels across Europe; he’d apparently forgotten how to speak normally. “It’s weird to hear that voice ... come out of a face,” Buck told Taylor, attempting to explain that he listens to her traffic reports every morning and that they’re super helpful for his commute (how romantic!). Can somebody call 9-1-1 to save Buck from himself?

Most Shocking ’Ship: When Eddie—a handsome ex-Army medic who has an adorable kid and seems like an all-around great dude, and who is also single—was introduced as the newest firefighter this season, I predicted that he was definitely going to hook up with Buck’s sister, Maddie (Jennifer Love Hewitt), who is also single and also beautiful. Instead, this happened:

I did not see this coming, but now I can’t stop thinking about it. And after some brief consideration, I’m totally about it. Give me Chimney and Maddie—Chamney forever! (We can workshop the title.)

Most Earnest Oliver Stark Live-Tweet:

[Cries] What a snack!

Come back next week for 9-1-1’s Halloween-themed episode, as Bobby apparently believes a ghost called 9-1-1—and knowing this ridiculous show, he might actually be right!