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The United States Owns Canada’s Best Sports

First women’s hockey, then curling. America clearly plans to take over Canada’s primary sporting interests—unless our neighbors to the north agree to this list of demands.

Gigi Marvin of Team USA women’s hockey
Gigi Marvin
Harry How/Getty Images

A pair of Canadian Olympic dynasties died at the hands of Team USA on Thursday in South Korea.

First, the Canadian women’s hockey team, which had won gold medals in the past four Olympics, lost an overtime shootout in the gold-medal game on a goalie-breaking series of dekes and dangles by American Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson. About five hours later, Canada’s men’s curling team, which had captured gold medals in the past three Olympics, lost to choke-artist-turned-clutch-curling-hero John Shuster in the semifinals. The hockey team had won its past 24 Olympic games, including five over Team USA, three in gold-medal matches. The curling team had never lost to the U.S. in the Olympics until Shuster’s win in last week’s round-robin stage.

Since both women’s hockey and men’s curling were added to the full-time Olympic program in 1998, Canadians had won seven of 10 possible gold medals, with silvers in their three misses. Whether the curling team takes bronze or finishes fourth in Pyeongchang, it will represent the worst result by either Canadian team in the Olympics. Meanwhile, this marks the first American hockey gold medal since 1998, and the highest American curling medal ever, regardless of what happens when Shuster and Co. take on Sweden in the final.

Thursday was the greatest American invasion of Canada’s sporting turf since Baltimore won the Grey Cup in 1995. Canada is still outclassing America in the total 2018 Winter Olympic medal count, 24 to 21, and in total golds, nine to eight. But some events hold increased significance. It’s one thing for America to lose at, say, biathlon, but if Team USA loses in basketball at the Summer Olympics, it’s a problem. This is the day that America began to own Canada’s events.

The Canada-U.S. relationship has always been amicable. We observe each other’s quirks with friendship and mild curiosity. (They have bagged milk, lol! They use a logical system of measurements, hahaha!) But for the most part, we have been courteous.

That time is over. America’s hockey and curling triumphs on Thursday signify that we are taking your stuff, Canada. Soon, we will begin to outpace you at production of your greatest natural resources: maple syrup, softwood lumber, and extremely handsome guys named “Ryan.” Your migratory geese that flew south for the winter are looking around and realizing they like it here better. Drake is now telling everybody within earshot that he’s from Houston, although, let’s be honest, he’s been doing that for a while.

Here is a list of our demands. If you do not meet them, the U.S. victories in traditionally Canadian sporting events will continue:

  • From now on, call poutine “gravy cheese fries” and pretend that you don’t know where it was invented. Honestly, it is embarrassing that you beat us to the punch on this way of making an already unhealthy food item more delicious and less healthy. That is our gig.
  • Get Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue to kiss, and admit that they like kissing each other.
  • Shania Twain is American now. No questions asked.
  • You can’t have July 1 be your national holiday. It’s too close to the Fourth of July. Also, if you’re going to have Canadian Thanksgiving in October, you need to come up with entirely Canadian versions of all holidays. We’ll get you started: Canadian Valentine’s Day is May 11.
  • See this? Honestly, take it or leave it, we don’t care, just figure it out.
  • Switch back to our stupid measuring systems. We look dumb using inches, ounces, and Fahrenheit all by ourselves.
  • I bet most people reading this post are expecting a Bieber or Nickelback joke at some point. It’s all been done before.
  • Trump for Trudeau, straight up. Ah, I didn’t think you’d go for it either, but it was worth asking.

Comply with our demands, or we will slowly begin to destroy all Canadian sports interests. In the next phase of our evil plan, we will prevent Canadian teams from winning the Stanley Cup!

Oh, wait—I forgot we started that phase 25 years ago. Carry on.