What’s a miracle? Is it a divine act? God steps in and decides that no, Jules, you will not get hit by these bullets today? Is it a fantastic showcase for Kurt Russell? Look at this swoop of hair! This chestnut swoop! Sometimes the hair wears you and sometimes you wear the hair. Kurt’s operating squarely within the latter. He pronounced the word “tonight” very weirdly in this movie. If that’s how you pronounce it, I have led a sheltered life and I’d ask, kindly, for your forgiveness.
Is a miracle just something nobody’s ever seen before? Amigos, if we ran with that option, then P.J. Tucker is the Miracle Man of Raleigh and he’s here to introduce you to the wonderful world of the unknown. From Wednesday night:
What a giver. I didn’t even know I wanted to see something like this, but Tucker knows me better than I know myself. I don’t think this was a mistake on his part, either. This is a he’s playing chess and we’re playing checkers type of thing. Tucker knows it’s important to give viewers interesting things to watch. The guy’s an entertainer. He lights up the night. A man boldly goes forth into the Neverhasbeen and creates something new. What a nice thing to do. What a good person.
On Monday, January 7, 2019, with 1:37 left in the second quarter of a game against the Denver Nuggets, Tucker let people watch him dive. A ball was heading out of bounds and he wanted to save it from falling there. He did. He landed among the camerapersons, upended, victorious, stalwart and true. This was nothing new for Tucker. He’s radical and always ready. I also just think he looks cool.
As I get older, I find myself increasingly interested in things that don’t make sense: Atomic Blonde, closed-captioning, hummingbirds. Enter Tucker. All 6-foot-6 of him, rumbling. The man will box out with intensity and selflessness and he will contest shots and he will give up 8 inches to someone and still stone them in the post and he will be available in the corner and he will do all that while wearing a pair of Sole Collector Penny 2s. This is a personal style so profound and bright it’s a wonder people don’t fall to their knees at the sight of him. He gives us Damascus moments. Most of us will never have an opportunity to experience the kind of power that comes with being a workhorse with primo spirit. I’d love to own a pair of Mars Yards, but I’m not currently at a place financially where I can blow a small island country’s GDP on a pair of shoes. I’d love to walk into an arena wearing an army green jacket with flowers, hearts, and smiley faces all on it. I can’t though. Those clothes don’t work on me. I don’t have that pitch. I’d look so out of place in that outfit that strangers would walk up to me and say, “Hey, man, you just can’t do this.” And they’d be right. I wear Kirkland-brand white T-shirts probably four days a week. Typically, I’ll pair them with blue jeans, some kind of flannel-shirt-jacket thing, and, lately, cloud-white Adidas Continental 80s. This is in no way an ad for Adidas, though that would be pretty wild if they sent me free stuff because of that sentence. How do you go about becoming one of those influencers that gets sent all the free stuff? Do you have to be hot? I’m not hot. I’m no Eric Roberts. You probably have to have a large following, too, huh? I don’t have even a tiny following. I have my wife and my daughter and, if I’m being honest, sometimes even they’re like “Jesus, dude, you need to stop.”
If I have to be hot and have a large following, then I’ll just quietly take the L and move along. If there’s some leeway on that, though, and, you know—maybe someone would say his face has a lot of personality and it’s exciting that we could put an unknown on the map—please give me a shout. I will post a million pictures of myself with free stuff. Companies are awesome. They care about me.
Tucker brings with him a buffet of looks. Clothes submit to him. He’ll come to the game in ski bibs. Ovadia & Sons fit pics at the base of some fancy stairs. Knee-length leopard-print coats.
That might be a cheetah pattern. I’m not good with big cats. The guy will step into the Toyota Center in a pair of cutoff jorts, a purple Supreme hoodie, a Sharpied-up denim trucker jacket, high-quality crew-cut socks, and purple Cactus Jack 4s. In one hand are the light-bone Air Fear of God 1s. In the other’s what I’m just going to say is a Big Gulp.
I wasn’t that put together on my wedding day. Even when he’s screwing up, the aesthetics are on point. Yes, he committed a brain fart on national television during a time in which it was crucial that he didn’t. I sincerely mean this: Who cares? He hardly ever messes up and when he did at the Garden he did so in a pair of SuperBrons. As of October 9, 2014, he could still speak Hebrew. I will ride a plane into the sun for this man.
Tucker wears a sweater with Wile E. Coyote on the front and pulls it off no problem. He owns a custom Nick Fouquet hat bag. There’s a part of me that wants to stab myself in the eye for knowing that, and yet, if I’m honest with myself, and calm, and walking in the light, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that information gives me strength. I can do all things through hat bags, which strengthen me. Here is what Nick Fouquet’s personal website says under the question, “What is the NICK FOUQUET Brand?”
The Nick Fouquet Brand is an extension of my souls and my creativity. It’s an unconscious free streaming flow of my designs that come from travel, art, love, family and self. It’s a psychedelic bourgeoisie bohemian experience.
My guy has multiple souls! You are nothing compared to him. You are nothing compared to Tucker. There’s a quiet silkiness to him. Have the man let it loose from one of the corners and you will fall to the ground with tears in your eyes and pee in your pants. Damascus moment. I promise you. You will pee your pants. This guy does not mess around from the right angles. You want to know what his percentage is on corner 3s this year? [Tries to research, gets bored quickly.] 1,000 percent. I swear to God. He shoots 1,000 percent from the corners. If anyone tries to refute me on that I will lose my mind.
His jumper’s prim and proper. Flawless posture. More exciting than a Drop the Mic promo! That’s not saying much! Good one! You are like a child! Tucker is Jon Taffer raging against apathy. This Taffer guy is nuts. He’ll visit a failing bar and turn it completely around (business-wise, attitude-wise, love-wise) in what looks like, what, three days? It’s amazing. He reunites families, makes what was broken whole. I’m speaking about Taffer. I’m speaking about Tucker. These are selfless giants. Men dedicated to treating others as they’d want to be treated. Respect me enough to try your hardest. Scream at me when I’m not living up to my potential. When I’m making excuses. When I’m being a lazy, good-for-nothing rube. Shut up, Dad! You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends. I love you so much and I’m so happy I got you as a father but you’re such a dork sometimes.
Tucker bends you. I’m not entirely certain what I mean by this but there’s something very symmetrical about him. He plays both stylishly and put together. Like a young uncle. Does that make sense? I don’t think it does. Tucker likes Tank SO WE KNOW HE HAS GOOD TASTE. Lean on a gunmetal Lambo with one of the butterfly doors up and like a shark fin. I’m thinking specifically about the first dorsal. Wear orange shoes. Look at your phone. Have Isaiah Thomas comment “I always wanted to be like you tuck lol.” Have Brandon Knight add a “Sheesh !” right below that. Tucker loves laughing it up and having fun with his friends. I relate to that. I hope you do too. I love to have fun with friends and laugh at great jokes with them. It’s great, being with friends. I love all my friends. I wish I had more. I think I’m just OK at being a friend. I’m not good at keeping in touch but I’m very enthusiastic and excited to talk to you if you text me. I’m not good at email, but you could call me. Sometimes I do really well on the phone. Usually when I’m not concentrating. When I concentrate I tend to tighten up and let the fear swallow me like the ground will one day. I get emotional when I think about my friends. I have such a good time when I’m around them. I feel very myself, but also better than myself. It’s like I’m the ideal version of me. I would love to hang out with all of them very soon.
Tucker is the steady, grating hand. Choking you out with a velvet blanket. When I think of him, I think of all the understated elegance and superb cinematography that comes with a really high-quality casino commercial. I find casino commercials to be absolutely beautiful. Pure and lush distillations of the human condition. There is addiction. There is joy. There is drinks. There is shrimp. There is cool clothes like you would see inside a Van Heusen outlet. All the people in casino commercials seem infinitely reasonable to me. Like they would be genuinely happy if something good happened to me. Morongo. Good times, anytime. One of history’s most incredible ad campaigns. Distinct in its beauty. Gentle with its embrace.
Tucker owns a Rolls-Royce Cullinan. The vehicle is white and beautiful. It has a cocktail table inside. You control it with a button. He was also gifted a pair of Jordan IIIs that match the SUV because if you’re already flexing you might as well flex some more. Tucker stands shirtless on a roof with the 300 workout chest. Remember 300? When I first saw that movie I thought it was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen. I’m not proud of that opinion. I began scouring the internet for details on the ab workouts the actors did. I found them. I printed them out. I did none of them. Dominic West is in that movie. So is something called a Michael Fassbender. Gerard Butler seems like a nice guy but he’s a bad actor, I think. Laura Linney’s dude from Love Actually as the God-King Xerxes of Persia has a decent set of stomach rocks, but ironically he’s more chiseled up in Love Actually. Xerxes always makes think of Zumiez. Remember that store? I never went in there, but I could tell it was cool. People that skateboard are better than me and more interesting and it seemed like the type of store that’s trying to appeal to skateboarders. I own a pair of Paul Rodriguez 7s. Every time I wear them I say to myself, “You can’t pull these off, man. What are you doing? You belong in Clarks Wallabees. You’re more of a Clarks Wallabees kind of guy. And not in a cool Raekwon sort of way, either. You’re fine, you’re solid, but you’re not Ghost.” I’ve actually been eyeing a pair of maple Wallabee Lows. I think they’d look really good with jeans and I wear jeans a lot. My wife bought me a pair of chocolate brown Clarks Wallabee boots and I wear those a fair amount, particularly when I need to dress up for something. I think I’d wear the maples even more. I feel better about myself when I’m in a low-top shoe. I’m uptight when I wear hi-tops.
Tucker will give you the shoes off his feet. He will sign them first. On January 13, 2019, the Rockets played the Magic in Orlando. I watched that game. The stanchions under the goals at the Amway Center had advertisements for Olive Garden on them. That ultimately has nothing to do with what I’m talking about, I just felt like it was pertinent information.
Tucker said Lance Stephenson has no class. He said Lance Stephenson has no taste. He knocked out two of Jusuf Nurkic’s teeth. He punched Blake Griffin in the face. The Larry Johnson Grandmama commercials changed his life. His first car was a golden Nissan Maxima. He called her Goldie. He ran into her twin on Rodeo Drive and took a picture with her. He seems like a great hang.
