Forget Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood; Oscar season really starts today with the release of the first trailer for Greta Gerwig’s Little Women. It’s got everything: feminist monologues, several hundred costume changes, sweeping landscapes, and enough messy braids to keep Pinterest in business for years to come. That said, Emma Watson is also here, so it’s time to take stock of the winners and losers of my personal movie event of the year.
Winner: The Timmy Hive
Our national nightmare is over—the Timmy Draught of 2019 has ended. Timothée Chalamet is back, and he’s more devastating than ever. The windswept hair! The billowing shirts! The endearing, earnest confessions of love! Add to this the satisfaction of seeing Saoirse Ronan and Timothée reunited on screen, and my poor shipper heart has never been so full.
Loser: Aspect Ratios
As any true fan would, I turned on Twitter notifications for the official Little Women account the moment it was announced that the trailer would be released on Tuesday. So imagine my shock and horror when at 9 a.m. PT today, I got that sweet, sweet notification—only to click onto Twitter and see a SQUARE TRAILER. What, as a society, did we do to deserve this disrespect? The March sisters can’t even fit into the frame! I reject it, I hate it, and I wish I’d waited the additional minute or so for a regular-size trailer to appear on YouTube for an unimpeded first viewing experience. Ban square trailers!
Winner: Vests
The dresses, flouncy shirts, and cravats are all well and good, but the true stars of this trailer are the vests. Timmy rocks several dashing variations (as seen above), but this shot popped up to inform me that Jo March invented menswear and I will not be convinced otherwise. Jo March, you can reject my marriage proposal any day of the week.
Loser: Emma Watson
I will never get over the utter betrayal of Emma Stone dropping out of the role of Meg. We could have had it all, but instead we got the inferior Emma, with her deeply concerning American accent and permanently pouty face. The only good thing about Emma Watson in this trailer is that she gets to pose in a pink dress on a staircase, which is wonderfully reminiscent of her iconic ball look in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. (Don’t get mad at me—I would die for three out of the four March sisters, but I have my limits.)
Winner: Blonds
It’s basic canon that Amy is the only blond in the March family, so to see Meg as the only brunette here is offensive to me and every other mousy-haired girl in the world. What are these shiny, strawberry blond–locks that Jo and Beth are sporting? Marmee, also a blond? Absolutely not; Greta Gerwig, your blond bias is showing. I’m willing to start a petition if need be—if they can redesign Sonic, they can make Saoirse a brunette.
Winner: Pieces of Paper
Loser: Tear Ducts
Between HBO’s Sharp Objects and her role as Beth in Little Women, Eliza Scanlen has gotten really good at lying in bed and sweating in nightgowns. That said, her creepy Sharp Objects role couldn’t be more different from pious, precious Beth—“Don’t tell Marmee” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I’m already devastated by the few shots of Scanlen in this trailer, and every day leading up to Little Women’s release will be spent emotionally preparing for the ordeal to come.
Winner: Dance Numbers
The Call Me by Your Name party scene would like a word! The Lady Bird prom scene could never! La La Land? Never heard of it! A Star Is Born? I don’t know her! Maybe we should create an Oscar for Best Dance Sequence, just to give it to this scene, every year.
Winner: The Christmas Box Office
Between Cats, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, and Little Women, my family will not see me once over the holidays. Timmy is my family now. They’ll understand.
