David Michod’s The King premiered on Netflix this weekend to a slew of underwhelmed reviews. I am here to confirm: It’s not very good. Even as a fan of Timothée Chalamet, Shakespeare adaptations, and watching movies on Netflix in bed, I found the grim, overly long period drama to be a tough watch. But the movie’s stylistic choices are very good, which is to say: They are hilariously horrible. We all know about Timmy’s now-infamous bowl cut, but he’s not alone in his questionable look. Historically accurate as they may be, the variety of bad wigs and unflattering haircuts in The King are so terrible they go all the way back into being amazing. So, from the Peaky Blinders rip-offs to the Tumblr-girl baby bangs, we must rank all of the haircuts in The King.
10. Harry Hotspur (Tom Glynn-Carney)
Someone has to be last, and by virtue of this horrifying post-Dunkirk glow-down, that tragic distinction falls to Tom Glynn-Carney as Harry Hotspur. Pour one out for those gorgeous golden locks—not to mention the fact that Carney dies in this movie long before anyone sails up to the shores of France. A loss on all counts.
Here, have a palate cleanser for what’s to come. We’ll need it.
9. Dorset (Steven Elder)
This fuckin’ guy. Props to the hair stylists for understanding that Dorset’s wig should scream “HUGE BUZZKILL” right off the bat. Dorset and his tragic middle part clearly thought he was too good for the baby bangs sweeping the nation. But he was wrong. Jump on the bangs trend with everyone else and stop being such a huge stick in the mud.
8. King Henry IV (Ben Mendelsohn)
The worst part of this movie was how quickly they killed off Ben Mendelsohn. (I blame history, and The King’s devastating devotion to it.) The second worst part of this movie was Ben Mendelsohn’s greasy curls.
“You’ll need to speak up, my ears are filled with hair,” he says to Hotspur early in the film. And … yes, yes they are. If only there was something King Ben could’ve done about that.
7. Sir John Falstaff (Joel Edgerton)
The baby bangs are back, but I question whether Falstaff—a man who spends this movie drinking, sleeping, and killing people—is the right character to rock them. Do you know how much upkeep is required to keep those bangs looking so perfectly, horribly straight? He must be getting a trim at least once a month, probably every few weeks. Falstaff is kind of a mess—we’re supposed to believe he’s dedicating this kind of effort to his hairstyle? Nah. The overgrown beard and the beer belly check out, but I call bullshit on the bangs. Joel Edgerton deserved better than this—but that said, he usually deserves better than he gets.
6. Pre-haircut Prince Hal (Timothée Chalamet)
Timothée Chalamet appears to have actually undergone his now-iconic haircut in the middle of filming, since the first third of The King features his familiar scraggly 2018 waves. At risk of pissing off my fellow Timmy stans … this was not a good look. It’s not a good look in the movie, and it was not a good look on the 2018 awards circuit. Luckily, Timmy and his curls have bounced back from their previous mistreatment. Sometimes all it takes to get back on track is a good chop.
5. Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland (Tom Fisher)
This man is so on trend it hurts. The baby bangs? Flawless. The shoulder-skimming waves? Touchable. The russet beard? Perfectly trimmed. The sad eyes because his son is a huge idiot who is about to ride into battle and die immediately? Well, you can’t have it all.
4. William Chief Justice (Sean Harris)
I don’t know what it is about Sean Harris that makes movies style him in the worst possible ways, but all things considered, this is one of his less-awful looks. The grey pageboy cut is tough on paper, but he’s working with some nice natural texture, and the two-toned beard really pops. That said, Harris looked way cooler in The Borgias, and they should have just stuck with that. Putting Sean Harris in a wig is red-head erasure, and I will not stand for it.
3. Thomas of Lancaster (Dean-Charles Chapman)
The King appears to have a vendetta against former blondes, but Dean-Charles Chapman—a.k.a Tommen Baratheon on Game of Thrones—underwent his brunet transformation with significantly more dignity than Tom Glynn-Carney. First of all, this appears to be his real hair, so points for authenticity. Second, this haircut is actually … not that bad, by 2019 standards. It’s quintessential hockey bro hair. We all know a guy with this exact haircut. (Granted, that guy should definitely get a haircut, but the sentiment stands.)
2. Post-bowl-cut Timmy
Maybe it’s the Peaky Blinders fan in me speaking, but this haircut IS GOOD.
The undercut is on point. The curls are perfectly tousled. Timmy’s cheekbones are popping off. I want to take this moment to apologize for my previous harsh words:
Timmy, you do not look like a pencil.
1. The Dauphin of France (Robert Pattinson)
It’s the haircut that launched 1,000 Pinterest boards. It’s the haircut that made Lauren Conrad famous. It’s the haircut that every stylist in L.A. charges $300 for and won’t stop posting on Instagram. It’s the haircut that inspired its own word combination: the lob.
While Robert Pattinson’s acting choices in The King make zero sense, his stylistic choices stand up to scrutiny. The Dauphin has the kind of unearned confidence that only the combination of a great haircut and newly discovered texture spray can provide. The Dauphin is on Day 3 of his blowout, he’s only had to use dry shampoo once, and he is feeling himself. He knows that there’s a reason ombré and balayage are French terms, and frankly, the English don’t deserve them.
Honorable Mention: This Guy
This guy does look like a pencil.