It’s a hectic world we live in, so there’s nothing wrong with adhering to a daily routine and giving your life some semblance of structure. Personally, I try to squeeze in a run almost every day of the week; it’s a way to clear my head, and I hope you don’t judge me for it, the same way I won’t judge you for rewatching The Office a dozen times.
Having said that, what on this creatine-soiled earth is going on with Mark Wahlberg? On Tuesday, Marky Mark revealed his daily routine on his Instagram Story—something he supposedly sticks to year-round, even while on vacation with his family. It begins at 2:30 a.m. and gets only more wild from there.
There are some things in here we can all relate to: lunch, meetings, a shower ... and then there’s the daily use of a cryo chamber, the multiple snacks, and again, the fact that he gets up at 2:30 in the morning. But that’s just the tip of the Wahlberg. Here are five deeper, more pressing questions I have about the actor’s grueling regimen. If Mark could answer them on Instagram as well, that’d be great.
1. How many prayers can fit into a half hour?
After giving himself 15 minutes to wake up—understandable, because it’s 2:30 in the goddamn morning—Wahlberg allots 30 minutes for “prayer time” until his 3:15 a.m. breakfast. Because I am not a very religious person, 30 minutes seems like a fairly long time to spend in prayer. Saying the “Our Father” takes me, like, 20 seconds, tops.
I’m not questioning Marky Mark’s devotion to the good book or the fact that he really does pray for half an hour, but that’s a lot of prayers! In half an hour you could probably say the “Our Father” almost 100 times. Maybe it’s all penance for Boogie Nights.
2. What is a 90-minute shower like?
Sure, Wahlberg could be spending some time between his 6 a.m. shower and 7:30 game of golf just lying about and checking Twitter or something of that nature, but I’m skeptical. A guy who sticks to such a regimented schedule doesn’t leave gaps for daydreaming. Therefore, we have no other choice but to assume that he takes an approximately 90-minute shower. Let that sink in.
Doesn’t he get tired standing for that long? How big is the water heater at the Wahlberg household? Also, doesn’t he live in Los Angeles, a place notorious for water shortages? Showering for 90 minutes seems civically irresponsible. What’s even more wild is that Wahlberg goes straight from this long shower to a game of golf; his hands are shriveled-up prunes, and now he’s gonna swing a club?
3. Can golf be played in 30 minutes or fewer?
Golf is not a physically demanding sport, but it is a long one—playing even nine holes takes a couple of hours. Wahlberg, though, apparently golfs for half an hour (?!) before eating a snack.
This is mind-boggling, but I think I figured it out: He didn’t specify what type of golf he’s playing. I’m certain it’s mini-golf.
4. How can snack-eating take 90 friggin’ minutes?
From golf, Wahlberg moves straight on to “snack,” an activity that takes another 90 minutes until he jumps into a cryo chamber. That is a disconcertingly long time to eat a snack, a word that suggests a smaller meal than breakfast or lunch, and yet it takes Wahlberg about the same length to eat a snack as it does for me to rewatch Lady Bird. (Other snacks throughout his day, such as the one at 3:30 p.m., take far less time.)
I’m at an impasse in determining what, exactly, he could be eating that takes this long to consume; unless we’re talking about freshly cut slabs of bison jerky, or something. (Jerky is surprisingly difficult to chew quickly!) That’s my best guess, but even then, 90 minutes of jerky eating would be proportionate to eating an entire animal. I guess I wouldn’t put it past Mark Wahlberg.
5. Is Mark Wahlberg’s family OK with all of this?
Wahlberg has two “family time” periods scheduled during the day, in addition to picking up his kids from school, but they come with a catch. The “family” isn’t afforded any exclusivity. The first pocket of time, from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., is lumped in with meetings and work calls, while the second, from 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., overlaps with dinner.
Considering Wahlberg devotes 150 minutes of his day entirely to snacks, it seems like Wahlberg’s family gets a really rough shake. They’ve gotta make do with hanging out with him while he might run away for an important phone call, or as he scarfs down whatever he’s got planned for dinner. (More jerky, probably.)
Wahlberg’s family deserves some credit for their willingness to let their Bostonian patriarch wake up at absurd hours to pray, eat, and shower about as much as he hangs out with them. Then again, maybe these are the sacrifices he’s gotta make to stay super swole and become the highest paid actor in Hollywood.
Speaking of which—Dwayne Johnson, what’s your daily routine like?