A Review of Every Best Picture Contender, by Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence was not a fan of Phantom Thread. To be more specific, she was not a fan of the first three minutes of Phantom Thread.

“I got through about three minutes of it. I put in a good, solid three. I’m sorry to anybody who loved that movie,” Lawrence told Marc Maron on the latest episode of his WTF podcast. “I couldn’t give that kind of time. It was three minutes and I was just, ‘oof.’”

It’s unclear when exactly Lawrence turned off Phantom Thread. She says “about three minutes.” This is what’s happening exactly three minutes into the movie:

By this point, Lawrence would have already seen Vicky Krieps’s bleary-eyed Alma tell an unseen character that, “Reynolds has made my dreams come true, and I’ve given him what he desires most in return … every piece of me.” She would have already seen Daniel Day-Lewis as Reynolds Woodcock lather up for a shave, shine his shoes, trim his nose hair, aggressively comb his hair with two really cool-looking hair brushes, and put on magenta socks in a very graceful manner. She would have already seen Lesley Manville opening the shutters of the House of Woodcock. And then, right about when she was watching the elderly seamstresses ascend the stairs to their work posts, she presumably turned off the movie. She probably went a little bit further than the three-minute mark, though, because she did also say this: “Is it just about clothes? Is [Reynolds Woodcock] kind of like a narcissistic sociopath and he’s an artist so every girl falls in love with him because he makes her feel bad about herself and that’s the love story? I haven’t seen it, so I don’t know. I’ve been down that road, I know what that’s like, I don’t need to watch that movie [laughs].”

[Laughs], indeed.

My guess is that Lawrence actually watched up until the breakfast scene in which Johanna, a model who’s definitely on her way out, begs for Reynolds’s affection and he replies, “I cannot start my day with a confrontation.” That’s about six minutes into the movie, by the way.

It’s a shame Jennifer Lawrence and Marc Maron were able to touch only on Phantom Thread. It’s always interesting to hear actors talk about films they weren’t a part of, because merely being an actor gives a person access to a level of enlightenment we lay people who watch all two hours of a movie could only dream of. How does Jennifer Lawrence feel about the rest of the Best Picture nominees? What other deep truths was she able to unearth after definitely, clearly devoting her full attention to the films? To find out, we sent her screeners of the other eight movies nominated at the Oscars. She somehow watched them all in 30 minutes and sent us back her authoritative reviews.

Call Me by Your Name

I’m sorry to anybody who loved that movie. Is this just a slideshow of photos of ancient sculptures? C’mon—I’ve been to the Met before. Like, I once funneled white wine in the bathroom stall with Stassi from Vanderpump Rules there.

Timothée Chalamet, though? Would bang.

Darkest Hour

I’m sorry to anybody who loved that movie. If I wanna see a bunch of British guys yelling, I’ll just go talk about rubbing my butt on rocks on The Graham Norton Show again. Also, like, we get it. There was a war one time. And where is Fat Gary Oldman? I was promised Fat Gary Oldman and he’s not even in this movie.

Dunkirk

So this is a movie about teenagers in huge coats picking up trash? No thanks!

Get Out

This movie rocks. Hollywood doesn’t represent women enough, so it’s so great to see Allison Williams leading a movie and picking out pastries and being in an interracial relationship. I’m such a big Girls fan.

What was up with that beginning scene where that guy got kidnapped, though? I feel like it didn’t fit in the movie.

Lady Bird

A mother and daughter listening to books on tape? They know there’s a movie version of Grapes of Wrath, right?

It is a pretty bold move to kill off the daughter so early, though. I didn’t see that coming! I thought she was the star of the movie, because she’s on all the posters and the movie is named after her character and Saoirse Ronan was nominated for an Oscar and all that, but man, she just dies immediately. Crazy! I checked out after that because, like, a movie about a mourning mother? Meh.

The Post

I can’t believe they rebooted Platoon. Where were all the newspapers?

The Shape of Water

Pfft. If I’m being totally honest I sort of checked out the second I saw floating furniture. I have this really beautiful couch in my living room. It’s custom. It’s in the den of my home in L.A., which is quaint-yet-gigantic and comfortable and just a really perfect place to be totally chill and order pizza in front of a journalist. But the couch, right. Like I said, it’s really gorgeous. And I just don’t want to think about it ever getting wet. I’m sorry to anybody who loved that movie.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

This movie is exactly what it sounds like: just a ton of shots of three billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri. I loved it. I hope it wins Best Picture.

Note, in case it’s necessary: Jennifer Lawrence did not actually send us reviews of the Best Picture nominees. We made them up.