Armie Hammer is a person, but Armie Hammer is also a sentient, ever-evolving collection of glorious internet content. He’s done enough in the past year — from liking bondage tweets to eviscerating conservative troll James Woods on Twitter to dancing in a way that somehow fits every piece of music ever invented —that he practically has his own news cycle. And he won’t be leaving your feed anytime soon: His latest film, Call Me by Your Name, has serious Oscar buzz, which means Hammer will continue to be on red carpets, late-night shows, and magazine covers for at least the next several months.
We perhaps took for granted some of his great content creations in the past — like the single best line from The Social Network and his very public bromance with mustache aficionado and Man From U.N.C.L.E. costar Henry Cavill — but no longer. Here at The Ringer, we’re excited to present the Armie Hammer Watch, an ongoing collection of Hammer news, memes, and ruminations, updated accordingly with whatever thing the actor does next to thrill the Armie Army (or is Hammer Heads preferable?).
Monday, December 11: Armie Hammer Celebrates Golden Globe Nomination With Cereal
After nabbing a best supporting actor nomination from the Golden Globe Awards, Armie Hammer chatted with the Los Angeles Times about Call Me by Your Name, the movie he’ll gladly talk about for the rest of his life. It is a lovely interview, and, at one point, Times writer Amy Kaufman asks, “Do I hear a child in the background?”
“Yes, that’s my daughter, so I’m juggling the phone and making breakfast,” Armie responds. “Today we went off and it’s milk and cereal, which is a treat. Normally, I like to make everybody breakfast, so she thinks cereal is a treat because it’s not an omelette.” We get it, Armie, you’re perfect.
Armie is also very happy with his decision to cut Twitter out of his life. “I feel like I have at least an hour more to my day than just sitting and looking at my cellphone,” he said. “I am still on Instagram, because I love the visual medium it presents. But Twitter, to me, was becoming more and more like a toxic environment where people go to say not nice things. I was voluntarily subjecting myself to it. People are so massively addicted to it that it really shocks people that you can just get off Twitter!”
Immediately after reading this, I went on Twitter, where people are still talking about a Cat Person.
Monday, December 4: Armie Hammer to Play Straight White Man in Straight White Men
In what is either an incredible piece of timing or the greatest flex of 2017—or both—Armie Hammer is making his Broadway debut next summer in Straight White Men. The play, created in 2014 by Young Jean Lee, is centered around a father (to be played by Tom Skerritt) and his three sons (one of whom, Drew, will be played by Hammer) on Christmas Eve who come face to face with their white privilege.
No word yet on whether Hammer’s decision to take this role is or isn’t a subtweet to BuzzFeed.
Wednesday, November 29: Armie Hammer Forced to Dance, Once Fantasized About Cutting Off Toe
The Call Me by Your Name press tour continued for Hammer on Wednesday night, with the actor making a stop on James Corden’s late-night show. While Hammer wasn’t forced to sit in a car and pretend to enjoy singing alongside an annoyingly jovial British man, he got the next worst thing. Hammer’s spoken at length about the process of filming CMBYN’s lovely dance scene, which was actually not so lovely because Hammer had to spend the entire night dancing around a bunch of exhausted crewmembers without any actual music. So, naturally, Corden forced him to do the same thing.
He puts on a good face, because the man is an actor.
While on The Late Late Show, Hammer also shared a lovely story about his toe. He broke his toe one night, so bad it bent in one direction; the next morning, he broke it again in the other direction. So he had a thought: “I literally remember looking at a pair of bolt cutters and thinking, ‘If I cut this toe off, it will heal faster than if I let this heal on its own.’”
That sounds painful. I do not know if I agree with that assessment.
Tuesday, November 28: Armie Hammer’s Genitals Are Problematically Large
Speaking of Call Me by Your Name, it is a luscious, sensual coming-of-age story set in 1980s Italy, in which Hammer and fellow Future Oscar Hunk Timothée Chalamet fall in love, dance to catchy music and consider eating a questionable peach. It’s also a movie that apparently features a slight amount of digital testical reduction.
In an interview with Hammer, Chalamet, CMBYN director Luca Guadagnino, and Michael Stuhlbarg on Andy Cohen’s SiriusXM show Monday, the group explained how Hammer’s balls had to be digitally removed from a few scenes in the movie. “They were short shorts,” Hammer said. “What’re you gonna do?”
“It’s both things,” Guadagnino added mysteriously.
“Armie Hammer has big balls, is what you’re saying,” Cohen questioned, to which the answer is obviously a resounding ”yes.”
Tuesday, November 28: The Psychedelic Furs Predicted That Scene in Call Me by Your Name
From genius Twitter user Tessa Strain:
Monday, November 27: Armie Hammer Says “AF,” Leaves Twitter
After BuzzFeed’s Anne Helen Petersen wrote a lengthy critique of Hammer’s career — tying it, in somewhat incoherent fashion, to white privilege — Hammer responded to the piece by tweeting, “Your chronology is spot on, but your perspective is bitter AF. Maybe I’m just a guy who loves his job and refuses to do anything but what he loves to do…?” Maybe he is!
Nonetheless, perhaps feeling that his online presence was inadvertently overshadowing his abilities as an actor and the must-watch film Call Me by Your Name, Hammer deleted his Twitter, which is still inactive as of this writing. After just one day, Hammer’s absence has created a dark void in an already ungodly website. Until he returns, we’ll have to make do with deciphering Cher’s emoji.
Stay tuned for more Hammer-related things, of which there will surely be plenty. Honestly, it’d probably be best if you just bookmarked this webpage.