A Bad Moms Christmas, a film that stars Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, Kathryn Hahn, Christine Baranski, Cheryl Hines, and Susan Sarandon and is about six women with zero shits to give during the holidays, is a good movie. Not “The New Yorker’s Top 10 list” good; it’s “Christine Baranski shouting ‘Don’t forget your Louis Vuitton swag bags!’ at Kenny G after throwing a huge Christmas rager at Mila Kunis’s house that features a camel and ornaments from the Titanic” good. It’s absurd in the best way; it’s also amazingly raunchy: Baranski, a national treasure, says “dick” at least 10 times in less than a minute. Hahn waxes a male stripper’s taint as he asks her out on a date.
And here’s another thing: A Bad Moms Christmas is going to be a hit. Less than 18 months after the original Bad Moms grossed nearly $200 million on a $20 million budget, Christmas is expected to reinvigorate the box office (with the help of Thor: Ragnarok, a movie I’ve never heard of) and bring in nearly $35 million in its first weekend. As a point of reference, last weekend Jigsaw led all movies by grossing just $16.3 million.
My point is, there can never be enough Bad Moms movies. Christmas codirector Jon Lucas agrees: When asked about the future of the franchise by Variety, he said, “There have been eight Fast and Furious movies,” which, exactly. What will all of these soon-to-come movies actually be about, you ask? The possibilities are endless, but to get the ball rolling, I’m offering eight sequel ideas to Lucas and the rest of the Bad Moms crew. For free. You’re all welcome in advance.
The Tokyo Drift of the Bad Moms universe, Bad Grandmas will be the first big test of the franchise’s staying power. The ending of Bad Moms Christmas leaves the door open for this sequel, as grandmas Ruth (Baranski), Sandy (Cheryl Hines), and Isis (Susan Sarandon) make their way to Las Vegas. That puts them in the perfect city for R-rated shenanigans à la The Hangover (which Lucas and codirector Scott Moore wrote, by the way).
In Bad Grandmas, Sandy will take a tequila shot off a male stripper’s body, because Cheryl Hines can do anything she wants, and there will be at least one potentially problematic joke about Isis’s name, which was somehow barely touched on in Bad Moms Christmas. Isis will, of course, marry a sleazy casino owner, with their wedding at a dinky chapel marking the film’s emotional climax.
Now, before you Moms-heads tweet at me, yes, I know that Bad Grandmas is the name of another movie that came out this year, but trust me: This is the Bad Grandmas we’ll sit down to watch with our families for decades to come.
A Bad Moms Halloween
Stay-at-home mom Kiki (Kristen Bell) tries to spice up her weekdays while simultaneously getting into the Halloween spirit by getting involved with occult practices, which she was told was harmless fun by a quirky, beguiling new SoulCycle pal played by Jenny Slate. But it’s not harmless fun. Slate’s character is a centuries-old witch, and it’s up to our Bad Moms Kiki, Amy (Kunis), and Carla (Hahn) to stop her from destroying Halloween forever. A fan-favorite scene from A Bad Moms Halloween will be Carla—the trio’s Roman Pearce type—handing out Swiss army knives to trick-or-treaters in lieu of candy.
Bad Moms Go to Washington
Wannabe PTA leader and original Bad Moms antagonist Gwendolyn (Christina Applegate) is now a powerful U.S. senator. She hires Amy to be part of her presidential campaign—however, it’s all a setup to pin impending corruption charges against the campaign on Amy, who is indicted and lambasted in the press by a news pundit named Kelly Megyn (played by Amy Poehler).
Gwendolyn thinks she’s won, but Kiki, Carla, and a returning Ruth have other ideas. The climactic showdown with Gwendolyn occurs on the Senate floor, as Ruth mounts a stunning filibuster that leads to the exoneration of her daughter. (Plausibility is not a factor here, obviously.) Outtakes of the scene—which feature Christine Baranski going on an eight-minute rant about the benefits of Egyptian cotton—go viral on YouTube.
Bad Moms: The Musical
I have no idea if Kunis, Bell, Hahn, Hines, or Sarandon can sing, but when you have Christine Baranski in your cast, you go forward with an all-moms musical.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Bad Moms
All the kids are off to college, so the moms (and their moms) celebrate with a Euro trip. Kiki and Sandy try weed for the first time in Amsterdam and go on a tandem bike ride during which they nearly run over a dog. Carla pulls a Finn Wolfhard and drinks out of a bidet. Everyone but Ruth is afraid to eat snails in Paris, which Ruth calls “sacre-bullshit.” At the end of the trip, the Bad Moms promise to go on their own separate adventures in Europe the next summer, vowing to share a banana-shaped flask they purchased at the airport (the Bad Moms–themed flasks are a huge earner for STX Entertainment). The banana flask doesn’t have any mystical properties like in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants— but The Sisterhood of the Traveling Bad Moms is a damn good movie title, and by movie seven, no one is filing copyright suits against the Bad Moms franchise.
Bad Moms: Independence Day
This is the Fast Five of the Bad Moms series, when everyone involved goes “fuck it” and eschews any sense of realism for unabashed campy goodness. Aliens exist, shocking everyone except Carla, who feels vindicated for swearing she was probed in a flying saucer one night after a crazy bender in Cleveland. Kiki, a gifted fighter pilot by means of “we threw it in the script, why not?” leads a space battalion against the alien invasion. Baranski gives a rousing speech like Bill Pullman to rally the troops, mimosa in hand.
Bad Moms: Independence Day is the first in the franchise to gross over $500 million at the box office.
We’re in the Golden Age of Bad Moms now, and Bond Moms brings together an ever bigger star-studded cast for a globe-trotting espionage action-comedy that’s the first in the series to get a “fresh” Rotten Tomatoes rating.
Betty White, who is still alive in 2028 and playing herself, has monopolized the world’s supply of uranium and is willing to sell it to the highest bidder. The president of the United States (Meryl Streep) calls on the Bad Moms for help—Amy’s pretty peeved because she just retired, Kiki had a dinner date with Martha Stewart she was looking forward to for months, and Carla was bingeing Outlander (but really just fast-forwarding to all the sex scenes).
With Rob Gronkowski at their side, the Bad Moms endure sharks with laser beams for heads, international assassins, and Black Friday shopping to save the day once more. White gets a Best Supporting Actress nod at the Oscars, but loses to Meryl Streep.
Fast & Bad & Furious Moms
The Bad Moms swan song pays tribute to the franchise that made eight increasingly ridiculous sequels possible by putting all the moms (and grandmas) in nitro-infused supercars. Keep your eyes peeled for the Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson cameos, and prepare for some off-screen drama, as Tyrese Gibson claims he was never offered a chance to join the #BadMomsFamily.
All of this will happen in real life, because the Bad Moms franchise is crass and beautifully silly, and it deserves a dumb amount of sequels.