“Yahoo!” —“Celebration,” Kool & the Gang
Last month, the San Antonio Spurs unveiled a new post-win celebration. After every home victory, they bring a big Go Spurs Go drum to the middle of the floor, and one of the players—whoever had the best game—bangs on it for a while. There is clapping. There is smiling. There is joy.
A couple of weeks later, the Houston Rockets implemented a new post-W tradition of their own. They press a red launch button, and smoke comes out of the bottom of the scoreboard. You know, like a rocket launching. They call it “Liftoff.”
These festivities are offshoots of the legendary Beam in Sacramento, the glowing column of purple light the Kings began streaming into the cosmos after victories during their 2022-23 season. Obviously, neither of the abovementioned celebrations can touch the Beam. Nothing beats the Beam. The Beam is holy. The Beam is love.
Regardless, the effort from Houston and San Antonio is appreciated. Pageantry is good. Silliness is good. Fun is good. Good for the body, the mind, the team, the fans. In fact, we’d like to see teams leaguewide kick these traditions up a notch. Why stop at a drumbeat or a launch button? Go bigger, go harder. There’s so much potential for absurdist grandeur here, maximal showmanship. Other organizations should follow suit. Below are potential post-win celly suggestions for every team in the Association. So crank the razzmatazz and embrace the spectacle. Let’s all celebrate and have a good time.
Atlanta Hawks
They release a hawk in the visitors locker room. Put a bunch of dead rats in there first, wait for the opposing coach to start the postgame speech, then release the bird. Show the feed on the jumbotron. “But won’t other teams check for the rats after they realize this is the celebration?” Yes, but we will put so many in there. Probably like 20. They won’t be able to find all of them. “Won’t they just not let the hawk in?” He is released from above, through special vents they will not have access to. “Isn’t it wrong to broadcast video of people in a locker room?” They won’t be naked yet.
Boston Celtics
One fan is picked at random to participate in a cosplayed reenactment of the Catholic nun armored truck robbery from The Town. Joe Mazzulla always participates, is mic’d up the entire time, and plays the Jeremy Renner part. The fan gets to be Ben Affleck and pick two players to fill out the crew. Ends with them lighting a minivan on fire at half court.
Brooklyn Nets
Fans are given a limited-edition watercolor of the moment after former Net Mirza Teletovic hard fouled LeBron James during the fourth quarter of a double-OT win over the Miami Heat in Brooklyn on January 10, 2014. This happened during that game the NBA put nicknames on the backs of players’ jerseys for some reason. King James is being held back by B-Easy and Moneymase as MT3 laughs. A different artist is commissioned each home game to paint their interpretation of the scene.
Charlotte Hornets
Charlotte Hornets play-by-play man Eric Collins stands on the scorer’s table and screams the first three sections of Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself.”
Chicago Bulls
Celebrity Bulls fan John Cusack walks onto the court dressed as his character from Con Air. Accompanying him is an actor who looks like Nic Cage in Con Air. They reenact the scene at the desert airfield when they both have their guns drawn and Cage says, “I’m gonna save the fucking day.” Afterward, Cusack goes outside the United Center, stands next to the Jordan statue, and gives any fan who wants one the firmest handshake they’ve ever had.
Cleveland Cavaliers
Dallas Mavericks
Nico Harrison's old portable stairs are rolled onto the court, adorned with pictures of Dirk, Nick Van Exel, and Luka. The team takes the stairs and is wheeled around the court while the fistfight between Bret Maverick (James Garner) and Red Hardigan (Clint Eastwood) plays on the jumbotron.
Denver Nuggets
Nikola Jokic, in a horse-drawn chariot, circling the court, waving to his subjects. Fans shower him with flowers and myrrh. They call him Lord. They sing him songs. The flowers come to life. They say, “This guy rules.”
Detroit Pistons
One lucky fan is given the keys to a brand-new 1983 Chrysler New Yorker Fifth Avenue. Little Caesars Arena will be modified so that they can drive it directly out of the building and onto the street. The theme from Detroiters is played on a loop.
Golden State Warriors
The organization passes out golden statuettes of Baron Davis immediately after he dunked on Andrei Kirilenko during the second round of the playoffs in 2007. Davis’s jersey is raised. His stomach shows. He has conquered the sky and Russia in a single bound.
After everyone has received their statue, the entire arena—fans, players, Steve Kerr and the rest of the coaches, even owner Joe Lacob—does their own jersey raise. If you’re not wearing a jersey, your shirt may act as a jersey.
Houston Rockets
The launch button celebration they’re currently employing is a fine start, but it lacks the kind of wild theatricality needed to really set itself apart. Our suggestion: Rockets owner Tilman Fertitta builds a launchpad on the roof of the Toyota Center. After every W, a fan is launched into orbit. They hang out in the stratosphere for, like, an hour, then Baumgartner it back to Earth. Nothing says victory like a supersonic free fall. No one is allowed to leave until the fan is back on the roof.
Indiana Pacers
One fan is brought to center court and tattooed with an exact copy (in both art and location) of Reggie Miller’s belly button tattoo. If Miller is in attendance, he is also tattooed, getting an extra ring of sunrays outside the existing flames.
Los Angeles Clippers
There is a pot of soil at midcourt. A player is handed a seed that will one day grow into a tree. The seed is planted, the pot rolled away.
Then Clippers superfan Billy Crystal performs his opening to the 2012 Oscars, beginning with, as applause dies down, “Thank you, thank you. Well, that was extremely loud and incredibly close,” and ending with “Nine is the new five.”
Los Angeles Lakers
The same way the Dodgers play “I Love LA” after every win, the Lakers should play that scene in Wolf when Jack Nicholson turns into a werewolf, jumps out a window, and chases a deer.
This is also an alternate celebration available to the Timberwolves should they see fit to use it.
Memphis Grizzlies
A cage is rolled onto the court. There’s a bear inside. A stuntman enters the cage wearing one of those grizzly-proof suits and the opposing team’s jersey. The bear has been trained, knows how to box. It punches the stuntman four or five times, roars, then sits on the man. It is then given several steaks.
Miami Heat
Fans who were in their seats at tip-off are invited down to the floor and personally thanked by each member of the Heat organization. First 100 fans in the arena get to hug Spo, and the first 10 fans get to run their fingers through Pat Riley’s hair. Pat gets to stay asleep, though. King stays king.
Milwaukee Bucks
Bon Iver stands on the rim of one of the goals and plays the theme song to Laverne & Shirley. Six-packs of New Glarus parachute down from above. Bango rides around on a Harley.
Minnesota Timberwolves
A fake moon is fashioned out of old disco balls and plaster. After every victory, all the lights in the arena are turned off. Then the moon is lowered from the rafters. Players, coaches, fans—everyone in the building howls in unison. They do this for 10 minutes, then go home.
New Orleans Pelicans
Juvenile reads the first 10 pages of The Moviegoer, stopping after the line “How smooth and well-fitted and thrifty the aluminum feels.”
New York Knicks
Tracy Morgan is suspended on a stage over the court. He sings Lucinda Williams’s “Six Blocks Away,” then tells everyone he’s getting them pregnant.
Oklahoma City Thunder
A bespoke cover of Garth Brooks’s “The Thunder Rolls,” sung by Garth himself. A sampling:
The Thunder rolls, and the lightnin’ strikes
Another team goes cold on a winless night
As the storm blows on out of control
Deep in their hearts the Thunder roll
Orlando Magic
Player dons cape, top hat, and white gloves. They are given a wand. On a table is a stuffy of the opposing team’s mascot. The wand is waved; the stuffy disappears.
Philadelphia 76ers
A Ben Simmons impersonator walks onto the floor. He grabs a ball and attempts a layup. The ball rockets off the bottom of the rim and hits him in the face. He gets the rebound and shoots again. The ball crashes against the shot clock above the basket. He gets the rebound and goes up again. He pretends he got bumped, flails to the ground. Everyone inside Xfinity Mobile Arena throws food at him.
Phoenix Suns
All the goats Robert Sarver put in Ryan McDonough’s office are placed strategically near several exits. They are given food, water, and Jake Voskuhl jerseys. Fans pet them on their way out.
Portland Trail Blazers
Fifty life-size cakes of former Blazer great Kevin Duckworth hitting a baseline jumper over the Cleveland Cavaliers’ Brad Daugherty are rolled onto the court while Elliott Smith’s “Alameda” plays. Fans get a slice for the road.
Sacramento Kings
There is not a chance in hell I or anyone else can improve on the Beam. It is the perfect post-win celebration.
San Antonio Spurs
There’s only one drum involved in their current postgame celebration, and that is stupid. Small taters. One drum? This is not proper pageantry. Every player should have their own drum. They should form a drum line and actually hang the bass drums off their shoulders like they’re in a marching band. Then they should march around the perimeter of the court. They should wear silver helmets with teal feathers sticking out of the top. The Spurs dance team should throw candy into the stands, and, health permitting, Gregg Popovich should get to ride in front of them in one of those tiny Shriner cars like you see in parades.
Toronto Raptors
A picture of former Raptors great Jonas Valanciunas is displayed on the jumbotron. He is wearing a black turtleneck and what looks like a velvet navy blazer. He looks fantastic, total smoke show. The crowd will then do three wolf whistles. Photo for reference:
Utah Jazz
Everybody sits quietly in their seats and watches John Stockton’s section of the anti-vaxxer documentary he was featured in.
Washington Wizards
See: Orlando Magic, but replace the cape with a robe and pointed hat.
