The Definitive Ranking of Beef (Literal Edition)
We ranked beefs in terms of feuds. Now it’s time to rank beefs in terms of foods (and names, TV shows, historical events, alcoholic beverages, and so on).
Welcome to Beef Week! The Ringer is continuing its retrospective exploration of the past 25 years by delving into one of the quarter century’s defining features: delightfully petty feuds.
Over the past month, I’ve had beef seared into my brain. This is a natural consequence of (a) binge-watching The Bear’s fourth season, and (b) spending weeks thinking about all the petty feuds that have defined the 21st century. (It’s also how I learned that Jose Mourinho has picked a fight with practically everyone he’s ever encountered; I’m shocked I didn’t dig up a news story about him shit-talking the doctor who delivered him into this world.) And what to do when you can’t stop thinking about beef in the midst of The Ringer’s Beef Week? Well, you might as well turn it into content.
Once again, I’ve enlisted the services of Megan “The Meg” Schuster—my eternal comrade in blogging—for a new entry in our Arbitrarily Ranking Stuff™ series: This time, we’re chewing over beef. And by “beef,” we mean all kinds of beef: food, feuds, people, the Emmy-winning Netflix series, and so on. The rules: Let’s see how many beef-centric subjects we can conceivably cover—24, as it turns out—and take it from there. Is a beef ranking unhinged, even by our standards? Maybe. Did we argue over literal and figurative types of beef more than I thought was humanly possible? Probably. Is it weird that I signed up for this as an honest-to-god pescatarian? Definitely.
Megan, fire up the grill. —Miles Surrey
All Things Beef Week
24. Jack Berger, Sex and the City
Schuster: If Aleksandr Petrovsky didn’t exist, I might argue Jack Berger as the worst of Carrie’s boyfriends. He starts out great: fellow writer, can keep up with Carrie’s wit, is broody and has that whole stubble thing going for him. But then Carrie lands a big book deal and everything goes to shit. He gets insecure about her success; refuses to be honest with her about how he’s feeling; and has a hard time just letting Carrie buy him a Prada shirt, dammit! How is that hard?
Also, he has tons of baggage from his ex-girlfriend, he falls asleep to frog sounds on his white noise machine, and, worst of all, he breaks up with Carrie VIA POST-IT NOTE. Honestly, the ghosting of our age doesn’t look quite so bad in comparison.
Surrey: If I had a hot and successful writer girlfriend I would simply be happy for her, but I guess I’m built different.
23. Beef franks
Schuster: This may be the most controversial ranking on this list, and Miles and I added insult to injury by slotting this here on the week of the Fourth of July. But it’s time to tell the truth: Beef franks—and hot dogs writ large—have a texture that’s completely revolting. (And we don’t trust Big Hot Dog to be honest about what’s really in those meaty skin sacks.) But your opinion of hot dogs may vary! If you go to a baseball game or a cookout this weekend, or you’re just enjoying a simple dinner at home, and you eat a beef frank, more power to you! Hot dogs have an established place in our society, and there’s no denying that.
Though, I guess if you’re eating something I just referred to as a “meaty skin sack” … maybe I am judging you just a little bit. Sorry.
22. Beefaroni by Chef Boyardee
Surrey: When we were—drum roll please—stewing over this beef ranking, we made a point to limit the amount of beef (the food), which mostly belongs in its own category. (Rest assured, it will come up later.) But we also wanted to make some room for beef products that distinguished themselves, even if, with all disrespect to hot dogs, they do taste like rubber. And that’s when we discovered that my editor, Aric Jenkins, holds a special place for Chef Boyardee’s Beefaroni in his heart:
To the extent that he made damn sure it wasn’t going to be omitted:
My first thought was that Aric was in the pocket of Big Boyardee; why else would someone go to bat for a product that customers on the company’s own website have given, on average, a 2.9-star rating? But there is something special about the meals that were childhood staples—I can’t defend the chalkiness of Kraft Mac & Cheese, but I have fond memories of devouring it after soccer practice. Beefaroni isn’t for me, but it cooked up a winning recipe for others.
Schuster: In the words of Andrew Gruttadaro, Beefaroni is extremely “its own thing” … meaning you can probably not find a single natural material in it.
21. Beefsteak tomatoes
Schuster: These tomatoes are just too big. They’re called “beefsteaks” because of their size—they can weigh anywhere from 1 to 4 pounds—and their … unique constitution. According to this Yahoo! article from 2024, these tomatoes have smaller seed cavities than other varieties, which leaves “room for more meat-like flesh.” That should not be the description of a fruit (or vegetable, whatever, now is not the time for this debate).
Beefsteaks are fine as a hamburger topping, and they can be used in a number of different ways. But I often personally find them to be watered down compared to other tomatoes, and once again, the heft behind them just completely freaks me out. Now, if you’re growing these in your own home garden, I’m willing to hear arguments about their flavor profile. But if you’re getting your produce from a grocery store, steer the cart elsewhere.
Surrey: Beefsteak or not, tomatoes are disgusting unless they’re used to make a sauce. Change my mind!
20. “Beef FloMix” by Flo Milli
Surrey: On my life, I have no idea how I recognize Flo Milli’s “Beef FloMix.” It became a viral sensation in 2019 on platforms like TikTok, an app I’ve never downloaded. And yet the lyrics “Fuck the fame, all I want is them bands / If she keep on muggin’, Imma steal her man” are seared into my brain. That I can recall the words to something I’ve never actively listened to is genuinely concerning. Is this the trial run for my own Manchurian Candidate activation code? Is this an eye-opening window into TikTok’s cultural ubiquity? Is this the Woke Mind Virus?
19. Andrew “Beef” Johnston
Schuster: Johnston may not be a name commonly known outside of golf obsessives, but he has a very wholesome backstory. He was born in London and began playing golf at just 4 years old. He earned the “Beef” nickname around age 11 or 12, when his friends decided his hair made him look like he had a “beef-head.” (Not the most clever of nicknames, but funny enough when you’re 11 or 12, I guess.)
Johnston didn’t have the easiest start on the pro circuit—he failed to hold down his DP World Tour membership until 2014 (five years after he turned pro), and he didn’t earn his PGA Tour card until the 2017-18 season. But he did gain popularity in the mid 2010s due to some on-course successes—he finished eighth in the 2016 Open Championship—and his very affable personality. He’s known for being a fan of Arsenal, loving cartoons, and hosting a cooking series titled “BBQ Better With Beef.” That’s what I call a real triple threat.
18. Beefeater guards
Surrey: The ceremonial guards of the Tower of London are officially known as Yeomen Warders, but they also go by the nickname … Beefeaters. Devoid of context, they sound like a bunch of hungry lads, and it’s not far from the truth. Per the Historic Royal Palaces website, the nickname is believed to have originated from the guards being permitted to “eat as much beef as they wanted from the king’s table.” (Given my pescetarianism, the idea of eating all the plant-based alternative meat you can stomach doesn’t quite hit the same; I’ll stick to a standard paycheck.) The Beefeaters also inspired Beefeater Gin, which features them on the bottle. I can see why—these fellas are dapper as hell:
Pounding beef, being a mascot for gin, and dressing up like the Nutcracker for a living? Some folks have it all.
17. Beefeater gin
Schuster: Carrying on with the Beefeaters, there’s no better place to order a gin and tonic than in London, and Beefeater London Dry is a very solid spirit of choice. The Beefeater brand has been around since the 1800s and is a popular, midrange gin for bartenders and patrons alike. Is it insulting that we have a gin ranked ahead of the actual guards it’s named after? Perhaps. But if you’ve ever sat Thames-side with a Beefeater-based cocktail in your hand, you’ll understand why.
16. Beefsteak Raid
Surrey: I’m not a military expert, but you know what was important for soldiers in the American Civil War to have in strong supply? Food. In September 1864, Confederate forces defending Richmond, Virginia, were running low on rations, so General Wade Hampton III led a raid to capture more than 2,000 cattle intended for consumption by the Union Army. In acquiring 2,486 cattle, the Confederacy lost just 10 men—a successful operation by any measure. In fact, when President Abraham Lincoln learned about the Beefsteak Raid, he reportedly called it “the slickest piece of cattle stealing” he’d ever heard of, which is the old-timey version of “game recognize game.” No matter: The Confederacy might’ve won the Battle of Beef, but the Union still cooked them into submission.
Schuster: Miles, how do we get “slickest piece of cattle stealing” into our wider vocabulary? My new dream is to hear Mike Breen say this on a broadcast after Lu Dort picks someone’s pocket.
15. Isaiah “Beef Stew” Stewart
Surrey: Apologies to the people of Detroit, but I’m not plugged into what’s going on with the Pistons. (I will, however, talk your ear off about the Washington Wizards’ salary cap management and wing rotations … anyone?) So when I learned that Isaiah Stewart’s nickname was “Beef Stew,” I assumed it had something to do with his iconic beef with LeBron James, which involved Stewart charging through his own teammates and coaching staff like Derrick Henry:
Stewart actually earned the Beef Stew moniker during his rookie season, which was initially coined by a fan before becoming so commonplace that then-coach Dwane Casey described him, affectionately, as a “big piece of beef.” (A wild, potentially insulting thing to call another human being—unless you’re an NBA center.) But Stewart isn’t just a beefy boy: He also cooked an actual beef stew with America’s Test Kitchen. Get you a man who can do both (make dinner; pick a fight with the greatest basketball player of all time).
14. Meat Loaf, the musician
Schuster: Rather than trying to find a way to describe the ridiculousness, the rockingness that was Meat Loaf, allow me to point you to a few sentences my colleague Rob Harvilla wrote about the singer in 2016, on the occasion of his 12th album, Braver Than We Are: Meat Loaf’s “best songs are flamboyantly dinner-theatrical, clock in at somewhere between three and 10 minutes longer than is advisable, and stand as transcendent monuments to classic rock grandeur in spite of themselves.” That’s right.
Whether you loved his music, were ambivalent toward it, or really only knew his name as a punch line to jokes in which the teller could either be talking about him or the food, Meat Loaf was an undeniable influence on rock music. And as Rob wrote toward the end of Meat Loaf’s career, “we probably ought to have been even more grateful back at the beginning.”
13. Lady Gaga’s meat dress
Schuster: The saying goes that a picture is worth a thousand words. But when the first images of Lady Gaga’s meat dress (and meat purse, and meat boots) from the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards hit the internet, many, many thousands of words were immediately written and said about it. Gaga wore the dress as a point of protest against the U.S. military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and also more broadly as a statement against objectification. “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And I am not a piece of meat,” Gaga told Ellen DeGeneres in 2010.
Of course, if you were on the internet in 2010, you’ll remember the level of controversy and scrutiny this dress brought on. It was maybe the most shocking (or second-most shocking) celebrity fashion moment of the 21st century. But rest assured, the dress wasn’t merely thrown out after the award show. It was jerk-i-fied and brought to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to display in its Women Who Rock exhibition, and in 2019 it was brought to the Haus of Gaga museum in Las Vegas. Here’s hoping that exhibit is vacuum-sealed.
Surrey: You just know some weirdo billionaire in the year 2100—assuming humans are still around by that point—is going to spend whatever it takes to sample a strip of dry-aged Gaga Dress.
12. T Bone Burnett
Surrey: T Bone Burnett is one of those jack-of-all-trades musicians. If you don’t know him by name, you definitely know the people he’s collaborated with. He was a guitarist for Bob Dylan’s Rolling Thunder Revue. As a producer, he’s worked with Elvis Costello, John Mellencamp, Counting Crows, Roy Orbison, Los Lobos, and Brandi Carlile. He was the composer on films like Crazy Heart, Walk the Line, and Don’t Come Knocking. Most important to my purview, Burnett was the music supervisor and composer on the first season of True Detective. (And also the second season, but the less said about True Detective: Los Angeles Real Estate Development, the better.) I always let out a little “hell yeah” when our guy’s objectively cool name pops up in the opening credits:
While Burnett isn’t quite as integral as writer Nic Pizzolatto or director Cary Joji Fukunaga, True Detective’s first season wouldn’t be the same without his bad vibes score. And on the basis of everything he’s done on the music scene, there’s no two ways about it: He’s a prime T Bone.
11. Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band
Surrey: He looks like a distant relative to Gangs of New York’s Billy the Butcher, but Captain Beefheart (real name Don Van Vliet) was a pioneer of experimental rock in the ’60s. Rolling Stone once ranked Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band’s 1969 album, Trout Mask Replica, as the 58th greatest album of all time. But what I find most interesting about Captain Beefheart is that he was one of those artists that moved between mediums: After retiring from music in the ’80s, he became an abstract painter. I’m not an art critic, but I know an awesome painting when I see one.
Achieving all of this success while going by Captain Beefheart? That rocks.
Schuster: Would hang this in my apartment! And that’s the highest compliment I can possibly bestow upon a painting.
10. The Beef From The Bear
Surrey: Before the Bear in The Bear became the Bear, it was the Original Beef of Chicagoland (the Beef for short), a grimy, casual eatery serving Italian beef sandwiches. If the Beef feels true to life, that’s because it is: Series creator Christopher Storer based the restaurant on Chicago’s Mr. Beef, which is owned by his childhood friend, Chris Zucchero. Of course, the crux of The Bear is Chef Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) transforming the Beef into a high-end restaurant—the kind of place that serves fancy dishes you’ve never heard of, all in the hopes of earning a Michelin star. (Thankfully, the real Mr. Beef hasn’t had such a makeover.)
While there’s nothing wrong with fine dining, my platonic ideal of a night on the town would be checking out something like the Beef: simple, unpretentious, but most of all, delicious. The good news is that, in the world of The Bear, the new restaurant still honors its roots with a takeout window serving Italian beef sandwiches. It should come as little surprise that it’s the only part of the business that isn’t a shitshow.
9. Beefcakes
Schuster: As Miles and I were putting these rankings together, we had a long conversation about the difference between a “beefcake” and a “himbo,” and here’s where I netted out: All himbos are beefcakes, but not all beefcakes are himbos. Himbos are characterized by their bodies, yes, the trait they share with beefcakes. But they are also known for their silly, and perhaps ditzy, demeanor, as well as their kindness and respectfulness. Beefcakes, on the other hand, are only classified by their physical traits.
I’m sure that when my parents sent me off to journalism school this is how they expected me to use my degree. Thanks, Mom and Dad!
Surrey: With Megan’s highly scientific metric, I’ve determined that David Kinne from Survivor 48 is more than a beefcake: He’s a himbo through and through.
8. “What’s Beef?” by the Notorious B.I.G.
Surrey: There’s a clear delineation between a petty beef and one that escalates into violence, something that Biggie explored, quite prophetically, in “What’s Beef?” The lyrics allude to the East Coast–West Coast rivalry in ’90s rap—for which Biggie and Tupac were the poster children—with serious menace: “Beef is when you need two gats to go to sleep / Beef is when your moms ain’t safe up in the streets / Beef is when I see you / Guaranteed to be in ICU.”
The tragic underpinning of “What’s Beef?” is that it was released 16 days after Biggie’s murder—there’s no way to listen to the track without dwelling on the real-life consequences that preceded it. A powerful, unforgettable window into the mind of one of hip-hop’s greatest lyricists, gone too soon.
7. Beef, the TV show
Surrey: Like Ryan Murphy’s Feud, except good, the Netflix series Beef explored the petty, ever-escalating vendetta between down-on-his-luck contractor Danny Cho (Steven Yeun) and self-made entrepreneur Amy Lau (Ali Wong). Danny and Amy’s beef starts with a road rage incident before they become involved in their respective lives—to the detriment of everyone around them. What I love about Beef is how it taps into the idea that the people most dissatisfied with their lives are the quickest to lash out at others; as a result, Danny and Amy are more alike than they’d ever care to admit. Also, if you really don’t fuck with someone, it’s kind of iconic to pee all over their bathroom floor.
Beef was a satisfying, self-contained story, but the good news is that it’s returning as an anthology series, with Oscar Isaac, Carey Mulligan, Charles Melton, and Cailee Spaeny on board for Season 2. (The premise: “A young couple witnesses an alarming fight between their boss and his wife, triggering chess moves of favors and coercion in the elitist world of a country club and its Korean billionaire owner.”) I may be a pescatarian, but I’ll binge as much Beef as creator Lee Sung Jin is willing to serve us.
6. “Where’s the beef?”
Schuster: I gotta say, Wendy’s was absolutely diabolical for this one.
Imagine the Mad Men–style room where fast food marketing execs decided to green-light an ad entitled “Fluffy Bun” that featured three elderly women gossiping about big buns and loudly demanding more beef. And keep in mind: This first aired in 1984!
The ’80s were really a time, man—a better time, I might argue, considering this commercial got as big as it did. And it’s worth mentioning that we owe the actual “Where’s the beef?” line to actress Clara Peller, one of the ladies in the ad, who was unable to say the originally requested “Where is all the beef?” due to emphysema. Sometimes things just work out how they were meant to.
5. Shia LaBeouf
Surrey: Let’s get one thing out of the way:
Including Shia LaBeouf—much less ranking him this high in the beef canon—is tricky in light of the lawsuit filed against him by former partner FKA Twigs, citing physical abuse. (LaBeouf can apologize for his behavior, but that doesn’t absolve him of it.) For millennials, though, LaBeouf’s body of work was undeniable: Even Stevens, Holes, Disturbia, Transformers, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (the worst Indiana Jones is still a fun time at the movies). Even last year, LaBeouf and Aubrey Plaza were responsible for the best (and most WTF) scenes in Francis Ford Coppola’s deranged late-career opus Megalopolis. And, of course, there’s the greatest YouTube video of all time:
By the way, Megan, if we ever do Beans, Ranked, I know what I’m putting at the top of the list:
Schuster: This picture just sent a shiver down my spine. I may miss Even Stevens, but I’ll never miss that face.
4. Kobe Bryant
Surrey: Yes, the late Kobe Bryant shares a name with the premium Japanese beef, but is that what actually inspired the NBA legend’s parents? I’ll let the man speak for himself:
True to his name, Kobe Doin' Work in his prime was a rare treat: the Jordan-esque stepback jumpers, the scoring flurries, the (sometimes literal) unflinching competitive drive. The result: five NBA championships, two Finals MVPs, a regular-season MVP, 18 All-Star appearances, scoring 81 goddamn points in a single game. His name is so synonymous with the act of shooting that it turned into a meme—if you claim you haven’t shouted “Kobe!” when tossing something in the trash, you’re lying to yourself. When it comes to ranking beef, Kobe is a cut above the rest.
3. Krabby Patties
Schuster: Perhaps my biggest running gripe with SpongeBob SquarePants—my favorite series when I was growing up and the one my parents most consistently hated—is that SpongeBob was somehow trusted around the sacred Krabby Patties. Yes, our dear Spongebob was born to be a fry cook. That much is clear from his first day at the Krusty Krab, when he single-handedly feeds busloads of fish all while Squidward and Mr. Krabs look on in trepidation.
But in the immortal words of Smash Mouth, SpongeBob isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, and as we know from Plankton’s entire existence on this show, the Krabby Patty secret formula is the fast food holy grail. So how was this Weenie-Hut-Jr-belonging dipstick trusted not to spill the beans??
I digress. Also, if you were a child of the ’90s and 2000s and you never craved a Pretty Patty, I’m judging you.
Surrey: Two follow-ups: Would the Krabby Patty count as pescatarian—how the hell are they procuring beef at the bottom of the sea?—and wouldn’t you be worried that the burger is … soggy?
Schuster: I fully believe that our resident Bikini Bottom Texan, Sandy Cheeks, would be able to rustle up some undersea cattle when necessary.
2. Beef, the Food
Schuster: I expected this entry to be a point of contention between Miles and me in our ranking summit, as Miles doesn’t eat meat and I decidedly do. But I’m proud to say that we came together for the good of the listicle here and put beef, the food, exactly where it belongs.
Are there arguments against eating beef? Dozens, most of them quite convincing! Can red meat clog your arteries and harm your health? It sure can! Are veganism, vegetarianism, and other -isms en vogue at the moment? They certainly are! Am I afraid that PETA is going to come at me for writing this blurb? I definitely am! Yet I can’t quit beef. Put a nice steak in front of me, and this is what I look like:
(Sidenote: shout-out to the Reddit post that’s devoted entirely to figuring out what cut of steak this is. This is the ideal use of the internet).
This is not where I try to convince you to eat meat if you don’t or criticize Miles for preferring fish (shiver) to what’s in the image above. It’s just where I say that nothing tastes better to me than a perfectly grilled hamburger—except maybe a double.
1. Beef, the Concept
Schuster: Feuds are a time- and history-honored tradition. There is no society without argument, no advancement of culture without clashes, no full embrace of the human spirit without vendettas. Call it nature, call it nurture, but we as people are born to feud—and to celebrate the feuds around us.
At The Ringer, we have spent this week writing and talking internally about beef, and I believe that the best part about it is that it can come in so many forms. There are the subtle beefs, like Doja Cat and [checks notes] Noah Schnapp; the loud beefs, like Taylor Swift and Kanye West; the ridiculous ones, like Martha Stewart feuding publicly with Miss Piggy; and the long-lasting ones, like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. But they’re all beautiful (and petty) in their own special way.
If gossip is in fact a sociological bonding agent, as some scientists have claimed it is, then beef is what gives us something to gossip about. And aren’t we all better off for it?
