Danny Boyle is back with 28 Years Later. It’s a fairly refreshing return to arguably his most iconic work that nevertheless evolves and subverts it to make something new, trading in the end-of-days anxiety of 28 Days Later for a YA zombie coming-of-age story (complimentary) and the dirty mini-DV photography of the original for a crisp, digital look largely created with iPhones. But it is probably most notable for asking one important question: What if the zombies were hung? Yes, the main zombie in Boyle’s long-anticipated follow-up is hauling around an absolute tire iron of a pork sword.
More on ‘28 Years Later’
This also inevitably forces us to ask a similar yet different question: Are other cinematic monsters hung? If so, which ones? And if there are hung-haves, who are the hung-have-nots? These are important questions, ones I’ve committed to answering in great detail in this piece.
But first, some housekeeping. As Nigel Powers said in Goldmember, “It’s not the size, mate. It’s how you use it.” I believe this wholeheartedly—but hung is also hung, and sometimes you can just tell these things. Thus, there are several contributing factors that I took into account when assessing the genetic gifts of cinema’s most famous monsters:
- Physical size. (“You know what they say about big feet …” )
- Vibe. Does the monster in question have a raw sexual confidence, or does it seem like they’re overcompensating? If their aim is world domination, is there a crazed desperation to the way in which they try to achieve this goal, or do they just understand their inherent power? Examples of the former: Voldemort, Emperor Palpatine, Immortan Joe—all not hung. Example of the latter: Sauron, who also checks the box for no. 1. (“You know what they say about big eyes …”)
- Gut instinct.
It feels similarly important to note that while many of these creatures wear pants and thus invite speculation about their varied endowments, some of them are free-balling it with no genitalia in sight. For those that fall under the second category, I am calling cowardice on the part of the filmmaker. We can’t all be as brave as Boyle, and I will most certainly be theorizing about the size of Godzilla’s dick, thank you very much.
Let’s begin.
Black Phillip, The Witch
Verdict: Hung
It’s “hung like a mule,” not “hung like a goat.” But this particular goat is also literally Satan, famed fallen angel and heavy equipment operator. Nobody is saying, “Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?” without being able to lay some serious pipe.
The Babadook, The Babadook
Verdict: Not hung
The Babadook is a gay icon, but is he hung? I don’t think so. Manifestations of grief do not exceed 5 inches.
The Pale Man, Pan’s Labyrinth
Verdict: Not hung
Long fingers, tiny member. Also looks a lot like Mitch McConnell, which kind of speaks for itself. I think Guillermo del Toro would’ve let us know if this guy were stashing a hog.
Pennywise, It
Verdict: Not hung
To be fair, Pennywise could obviously shape-shift into someone who is hung … I just don’t think he’d be interested.
Predator, Predator
Verdict: Hung
If director John McTiernan were as brave as his protagonists, he would’ve absolutely shown us the third leg this thing is hauling around.
The Xenomorph, Alien
Verdict: Hung
We’ve seen what happens with this thing’s mouth.
Leatherface, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Verdict: Not hung
If anyone has ever had “I’m not packing” energy, it’s this guy. The chainsaw alone screams overcompensation.
Shrek, Shrek
Verdict: Hung
Everything about Shrek just feels fucking huge, so I don’t see why this would be any different. Also, if you’re wondering: Yes, Donkey is hung. He made a dragon come.
The Creature From the Black Lagoon, Creature From the Black Lagoon
Verdict: Hung
Without the Hays Code, we would have absolutely seen this guy’s big, green, scaly baby arm. Censorship is a disease!
Godzilla, Godzilla
Verdict: Not hung
Godzilla is, of course, a metaphor for the consequences of nuclear warfare. I don’t think that bodes well for the size of his monsterhood. It’s also hard to believe he’d be rampaging around so much if he were packing heat.
King Kong, King Kong
Verdict: Hung
It’s unfathomable to me to consider King Kong as being anything but an absolute sausage monster. Imagine if they’d had the balls to show us this, him dragging an absolute fire hose up the Empire State Building.
Frankenstein’s Monster, Frankenstein
Verdict: Hung
Teri Garr said it herself in Young Frankenstein: “He would have an enormous schwanzstucker.”
The Phantom of the Opera, The Phantom of the Opera
Verdict: Not hung
I think it’s small and, like, absolutely disgusting—except when he’s played by Gerard Butler, who is 100 percent housing a truncheon in those tuxedo pants.
Count Orlok, Nosferatu
Verdict: Not hung/hung
To clarify: 1922 Count Orlok is not hung, while 2024 Orlok is very hung. We all saw it.
The Rancor, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
Verdict: Hung
I just know that underneath that loincloth is the wrinkliest, crustiest, most disgusting dipstick. And I don’t know whether I’m happy or absolutely furious that I can’t see it.
The Rest of Jabba’s Court, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
Let’s run these down:
- Max Rebo: Hung
- Droopy McCool: Hung
- Pagetti Rook: Hung
- Bib Fortuna: Hung, and it curls around his legs (you’re welcome)
- Boba Fett: Maybe the most hung person on this list
- Salacious B. Crumb: Unfortunately very hung
Everyone in Jabba’s court is actually so hung. Except for Jabba himself, who’s so lacking down there that his self-esteem can be maintained only by surrounding himself with a bunch of Muppets with grade A ramrods.
Lurtz, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Verdict: Hung
Duh. This diva has been committing testicular manslaughter since he hatched out of Christopher Lee’s little goo hive.
The Nazgul, The Lord of the Rings
Verdict: Not hung
Nine rings for nine kings, who, as Cate Blanchett says, “above all else desire power.” Substitute “power” with “a size increase” and “kings” with “guys with small dicks.”
E.T., E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Verdict: Not hung
But also, Dee Wallace did recently confess that Steven Spielberg initially wanted her character to have an affair with E.T., so maybe he’s in the middle or something.
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Ghostbusters
Verdict: Not hung
But can you imagine?
OK, let’s end this scientific evaluation with some quick hits:
Pumpkinhead, Pumpkinhead: Hung. It’s in the name.
Smaug, The Hobbit: Not hung. Smuggles gold, not pole.
The Skeksis, The Dark Crystal: Not hung. Wretched little cocks.
The Heron, The Boy and the Heron: Not hung, but one of our best guys.
Pinhead, Hellraiser: Hung but not thick.
Butterball, Hellraiser: Thick but not hung.
Stripe, Gremlins: Hung and a freak.
Babu Frik, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker: A freak but not hung.
Darkness, Legend: Hung. May have, like, 10 dicks—all red, all huge.
Darth Vader, Star Wars: Not hung. It got cooked. Anakin was hung, though.
Chernabog, Fantasia: Hung, and I would.
Hexxus, FernGully: The Last Rainforest: Hung, and I wouldn’t.
Sully, Monsters, Inc.: Hung, but what an absolutely deranged thought, you pervert.
And finally, a bonus round for the cats of Cats:
Skimbleshanks: Hung
Macavity: Hung
Mr. Mistoffelees: Not hung
Munkustrap: Hung
Bustopher Jones: Not hung
Mungojerrie: Hung
Growltiger: Hung
Gus the Theatre Cat: Hung. Why else would Dame Judi Dench lift her little cat leg like that?
