Editor’s note: The first round of the NFL draft will take place on Thursday. In the most, um, creative mock draft on the internet, we’ll let you know exactly how things will play out.
8 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell takes the stage and receives his annual booing—this time from the crowd in Detroit. Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Poles has known for months that he’s going with USC quarterback Caleb Williams, but the draft is a made-for-TV event, so he takes his time calling in the pick. As he’s waiting, Poles receives a call from an unknown number.
“Redo! Now! Or you’ll never work another day in this league!” demands the voice on the other line.
“I’m sorry, who is this?” asks Poles.
“You know damn well who this is! It’s David motherfucking Tepper, and I want my pick back!”
“Oh, hey David. I’m sorry, but that’s not how it works.”
“Not how it works? It works how I say it works! I’m worth over $20 billion, and I can end you, you little …”
“I gotta go, man. Have a nice night.”
Poles wastes no more time, and turns in the pick to select Williams, ushering in a new era of Bears football. Tepper, meanwhile, goes back to staring at the set of brass balls on his desk and considers whether firing somebody might make him feel better.
8:18 p.m.: This is when the draft really begins. For weeks, LSU quarterback Jayden Daniels was presumed to be the pick for the Washington Commanders, but in recent days, it seems they’ve had second thoughts. There are so many factors to consider:
How concerning are Daniels’s college numbers versus pressure?
Does North Carolina quarterback Drake Maye have a higher upside?
Which pick would make Ben Johnson most upset?
And then there’s the Topgolf incident. The Commanders recently hosted a bunch of prospects, including a few of the top quarterbacks, at their team facility and took them to Topgolf as part of the predraft visit. When it was J.J. McCarthy’s turn to rip the old 9-iron, the ball got stuck in the machine. Commanders brass were watching intently to see how it played out. They saw it was Maye, not Daniels, who tracked down the bay host for assistance. If you’re going to let someone else take control of a situation like that, they wondered, are you really a leader?
It was enough to swing them. In a last-minute surprise, the Commanders take Maye with the no. 2 pick. Magic Johnson, a limited ownership partner with the team, sends out the following tweet after the selection.
Drake Maye played college football at UNC! He is a great quarterback!
8:26 p.m.: Across the league, teams are a bit flustered. Everyone assumed that Daniels would be the pick at no. 2 and that the New England Patriots would land Maye at no. 3. But now the Patriots have a decision to make: Take Daniels? Take McCarthy? Or trade back?
Director of scouting (and de facto GM) Eliot Wolf knows the importance of landing a franchise quarterback, but despite what he’s said publicly, he is fully aware that the roster needs a lot of work. The Patriots are bad at wide receiver and have questions on the offensive line. Is this really a good ecosystem in which to grow a young quarterback?
Wolf is frantically working the phones fielding trade offers when team owner Robert Kraft enters the draft room.
“What is it, Mr. Kraft?” Wolf asks.
“Belichick is such an asshole,” Kraft says. He then exits the room.
Wolf winds up getting some attractive trade offers, but ultimately, he can’t pass on a quarterback. It’s rare to draft this high, and sometimes you have to take a swing. But in a surprise move, the pick is not Daniels. It’s McCarthy! A quarterback from Michigan who shapes the culture for the next era of Patriots football? The narratives will write themselves.
8:34 p.m.: The story of the draft so far is that Daniels is still on the board, and we reach our next big pivot point with the Arizona Cardinals at no. 4. Their options are straightforward:
- Take Ohio State wide receiver Marvin Harrison Jr.
- Take LSU wide receiver Malik Nabers.
- Trade back.
Last year, Cardinals general manager Monti Ossenfort traded back and then moved up to take offensive tackle Paris Johnson Jr. In the days leading up to this draft, he’d been wondering whether a similar maneuver could make sense once again.
Everyone knows the team to watch. It’s the Minnesota Vikings. In addition to the 11th pick, they’ve also got no. 23 after last month’s trade with the Houston Texans. The Cardinals get an offer they like from Minnesota, but just before they agree to terms, a surprise team swoops in: It’s the Las Vegas Raiders!
The Raiders didn’t think they’d have a chance at Daniels, but now that he’s dropped to no. 4, they can’t resist. Head coach Antonio Pierce recruited Daniels to Arizona State, and the two have remained close. With talented veterans like wide receiver Davante Adams, defensive end Maxx Crosby, and new defensive tackle Christian Wilkins, the Raiders believe they can win games with Daniels right away. They move up from no. 13 to no. 4 and send their 2025 first and their 2026 first to Arizona in a blockbuster deal. It’s practically the same trade that the 49ers made back in 2021 when they moved up to draft Trey Lance.
Asked afterward about giving up two future firsts to land Daniels, Pierce says, “Not concerned. We’re gonna be picking 32nd anyway.”
8:42 p.m.: The Chargers are torn at pick no. 5. On one hand, new GM Joe Hortiz came up in the Ravens system and believes in drafting for volume. On the other hand, they love the idea of pairing a true no. 1 wide receiver with Justin Herbert.
The New York Jets, meanwhile, are contemplating a move up from no. 10, but first they need to check with Aaron Rodgers to make sure it’s OK with him. Head coach Robert Saleh sends Rodgers a text.
Hey Aaron! So sorry to bother. I know how busy you are. Just wanted to check and see what you’d think about us trading up for Marvin Harrison Jr. Might be nice to get you another pass catcher? I mean, we definitely don’t have to if you think it’s a bad idea. Just wondering if you’d approve. Again, so, so sorry to bother. Please feel free to ignore this if you are busy.
The clock is ticking, and general manager Joe Douglas isn’t sure what to do. Finally, Saleh sees Rodgers’s response pop up on his phone.
Trade is for the weak. There are alternate methods to build relationships with allies and adversaries, but the government and mainstream media don’t want you to know about that.
Unsure how to interpret Rodgers’s response, the Jets decide to just sit tight.
Absent a blockbuster trade offer, the Chargers don’t overthink it. They pair Harrison with Herbert in hopes of building a long-lasting, dynamic quarterback/wide receiver duo. To celebrate the pick, Jim Harbaugh hands everyone a quart of milk and makes a toast before chugging. With milk dripping from his chin, he stands on a table and yells to the draft room: “WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US??” Hortiz texts a pic to John Harbaugh back in Baltimore with the words: Your brother’s a maniac. John simply responds with three crying laughing emoji.
8:50 p.m.: The Giants are on the clock at no. 6. They were hoping that a quarterback might slip to them, but that didn’t happen. They need blue-chip players, so they consider staying put and taking Nabers. Then again, this is a bad roster, and they have a bunch of needs. GM Joe Schoen decides to try to curry some favor with the football nerds and trade back.
The team moving up? It’s the Cardinals! The Giants send no. 6 and no. 70 (in the third round) to the Cardinals for nos. 13, 35 (second round), and 186 (sixth round). The compensation is similar to what it took for the Cardinals to move up from no. 12 to no. 6 last year. Arizona selects Nabers, filling another premium position on offense.
8:58 p.m.: After a flurry of activity, the pace of the draft slows down. The Tennessee Titans take Notre Dame offensive tackle Joe Alt at no. 7. The first defensive player goes off the board at no. 8 with the Atlanta Falcons landing Alabama edge defender Dallas Turner. And at no. 9, the Bears select Washington wide receiver Rome Odunze.
9:14 p.m.: It’s time for the Jets to pick at no. 10. They know they have to go offense here—both for team-building purposes and to appease Rodgers. And they know they need a player who can help immediately, because if they don’t win in 2024, everyone’s getting fired. They settle on Washington offensive lineman Troy Fautanu. The Jets have two tackles in their 30s and a guard in Alijah Vera-Tucker who has played in just 12 total games over the past two seasons. Fautanu can compete for a starting job, but more importantly, since he can play multiple offensive line spots, he gives them insurance in case a starter goes down with injury.
At no. 11, the Vikings are forced to adjust their plans on the fly. They would have loved to take a big swing on a quarterback in this draft, but it didn’t happen. Now they are focused on bolstering the roster and adding assets so they can take a big swing next offseason. They get a call from the Colts, who want to move up from no. 15. The two teams swap first-round picks, and Minnesota picks up a 2025 third-rounder. The Colts select Georgia tight end Brock Bowers.
9:38 p.m.: Next up: Perhaps the most confounding team in the NFL, the Denver Broncos. If the season started before the draft, they would start Jarrett Stidham at quarterback with Ben DiNucci backing him up. It seems likely that they’ll add a quarterback at some point, but when? Sean Payton doesn’t want to be patient, but he knows he has no other choice. None of the options at no. 12 thrill the Broncos, so they look for a trade back. They get a call from Jacksonville Jaguars GM Trent Baalke, who wants to move up from no. 17. Payton likes the deal. Denver moves back five spots and nets a 2025 third-rounder from Jacksonville.
After the Jaguars lost wide receiver Calvin Ridley in free agency, their draft strategy changed. Cornerback is an obvious need, but right now it’s all about supporting quarterback Trevor Lawrence. The move up is for LSU wide receiver Brian Thomas Jr.
Thomas gets the call from Baalke, and as soon as his friends and family realize who’s on the other end, the high jinks commence. One friend sticks his hand in his armpit and starts making fart noises. Another blows up a whoopee cushion and places it on the seat behind Thomas while laughing hysterically. Thomas is happy to land in a spot with a talented quarterback, but he realizes quickly that these gags are going to be part of his life now that he’s linked to Baalke.
9:48 p.m.: At no. 13, we get the real stunner of the first round. There was a lot of predraft buzz about the Giants trading up for a quarterback, but instead they trade back (from no. 6) and get the guy they had rated higher than the rest of the league: Washington’s Michael Penix Jr. If he beats Daniel Jones out for the starting job in 2024, great. If not, Penix will be ready in case of a Jones injury. And regardless, he’ll be expected to take over in 2025.
9:54 p.m.: The bad news for the Saints is that they have morphed into one of the most irrelevant franchises in the NFL, forever mired in a state of mediocrity. The good news is they need an offensive tackle, and this draft has plenty to choose from. New Orleans settles on Penn State’s Olu Fashanu at no. 14.
At no. 15 (following the trade back with the Colts), the Vikings select Texas defensive tackle Byron Murphy Jr.
10:21 p.m.: The Seahawks are on the clock at no. 16, and to nobody’s surprise, John Schneider wants to move back. He gets a call from Eagles GM Howie Roseman. The two longtime GMs have done a bunch of deals with each other over the years, and they agree to another one here. The Eagles get picks no. 16 and no. 81 (third round). The Seahawks get no. 22, no. 53 (second round), and no. 120 (fourth round).
The question now is: Are the Eagles trading up for a cornerback or an offensive lineman? It ends up being the former. While Roseman is calling the pick in, team owner Jeffrey Lurie texts Bill Belichick, the man he has pegged to coach the team in 2025 if things don’t work out with Nick Sirianni:
Terrion Arnold?
Belichick likes the message, and Lurie responds with the winking emoji. That’s the pick. The Eagles take the Alabama cornerback at no. 16.
At no. 17, the Broncos go with UCLA edge rusher Laiatu Latu. At no. 18, the Cincinnati Bengals take Alabama offensive lineman JC Latham. And the Los Angeles Rams continue to bolster their offensive line with the 19th selection, Oregon State’s Taliese Fuaga, who becomes their first first-rounder since Jared Goff in 2016.
10:42 p.m.: The Pittsburgh Steelers are on the clock at no. 20. Head coach Mike Tomlin goes over the team’s options with general manager Omar Khan, but Tomlin keeps getting distracted by a flurry of texts from Russell Wilson. The first one is a video of Wilson working out. The separation’s in the preparation! The next is a video of Wilson watching film. Keeping the main thing the main thing! And then another of him receiving treatment. The best ability is availability!
Wilson has sent Tomlin these messages every single day since the Steelers signed him back in mid-March. It’s been driving Tomlin crazy, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s not like he can just block Wilson’s number. This is his starting quarterback.
With the Steelers still finalizing their pick, Tomlin asks Khan, “What are the cap implications if we release Russ?”
“Release him when?” asks Khan.
“Like tonight,” says Tomlin.
“Why are you asking me this right now?” asks Khan.
“Oh, no reason,” says Tomlin.
They re-focus on their pick and select Toledo cornerback Quinyon Mitchell.
At no. 21, the Miami Dolphins go with versatile offensive lineman Graham Barton. The Seahawks take Iowa defensive back Cooper DeJean at no. 22. And the Vikings take Florida State edge rusher Jared Verse at no. 23.
11:06 p.m.: The Cowboys are on the clock at no. 24. There are two offensive tackles they like: Georgia’s Amarius Mims and Oklahoma’s Tyler Guyton. Cowboys executive Stephen Jones asks his dad, Jerry, what he thinks the best-case scenario is with Mims.
“Well,” Jerry says, “best-case is he plays at an All-Pro level for us, we wait until the last possible moment to negotiate a second contract, we convince the public that we’re limited by the salary cap, and no one notices that we rank 31st in cash spending.”
“That sounds pretty good to me,” says Stephen. “Let’s go ahead and take Mims.”
Then, at no. 25, the Green Bay Packers once again bet on a prospect with elite athletic traits and select Penn State edge rusher Chop Robinson.
11:30 p.m.: The Bucs are up at no. 26, and they go with Oregon offensive lineman Jackson Powers-Johnson. The Cardinals are back up at no. 27 and make one more trade—this one with the Kansas City Chiefs, who move up five spots from no. 32 to select Oklahoma offensive tackle Tyler Guyton. The Cardinals net a fourth-round pick as part of the deal.
Before the Buffalo Bills pick at no. 28, GM Brandon Beane grabs his phone and calls San Francisco 49ers GM John Lynch. Before Beane can even say hello, a heated Lynch jumps all over him.
“For the hundredth time, we ARE NOT trading Brandon Aiyuk!” he says. “If you call me again, I’m blocking your number! Give it a rest, bro!”
Beane hangs up, looks sadly at head coach Sean McDermott, and says, “Yeah, I don’t think we’re going to be able to get that done.”
The Bills insisted they wouldn’t force a pick after the Stefon Diggs trade, but Georgia wide receiver Ladd McConkey is high on their board, and they can’t resist. Ladd’s the guy at no. 28.
11:47 p.m.: At no. 29, the Detroit Lions go with West Virginia offensive lineman Zach Frazier. The Baltimore Ravens select Alabama cornerback Kool-Aid McKinstry at no. 30. At no. 31, the 49ers take Illinois defensive tackle Jer’Zahn Newton. And finally, at no. 32, the Cardinals go with Clemson cornerback Nate Wiggins.
12:01 a.m.: It’s now Friday in Detroit. Goodell comes out one last time, thanks the Motor City for its hospitality, and tries to get off a B-Rabbit verse before a couple of NFL officials quickly escort him off the stage. And with that, the first round is a wrap.
