Hating season has arrived. The NBA postseason, besides being the best time of the year to watch basketball, is also the best time to be a basketball fan online. All the jokes, all the silly agendas, and all of the real hate is born in the postseason. There always will be serious, devoted NBA discussions, but there are times when you want to laugh at a certain team or player’s misfortune, and who can blame you? (Also, let’s be honest: positivity is overrated. Did Michael Jordan become great by listening to the praise? Didn’t think so.)
The online discourse goes into overdrive once the playoffs start. It’s the direct opposite of LeBron James going “Zero Dark Thirty.” Every day for the next two months, the jokes fly incessantly, without recourse and without remorse.
Are you a casual fan who wants to have some laughs for the next few weeks? Or maybe a professional Twitter instigator who wants to start some beef in the replies? We’re going to look at each first-round series and rank them on a scale of 1 to 10 on the Hate and Toxicity Evidence Ratio Index (or the H.A.T.E.R. Index for short). In other words, which first-round series have the potential to bring the most jokes into the timeline based on previous playoff history, the players involved, and more. We’ll rate them from 1-10, with 1 being a cordial discussion and 10 leading to account suspensions and “this post has been deleted” screenshots come the end of the series.
Let’s get into the negativity, shall we?
If the Heat win on Friday: Boston Celtics Vs. Miami Heat
We could have had it all.
The Celtics and Heat will meet for the third postseason in a row and for the fourth time in five years, and given how their series went last season, it would normally constitute a billion on the H.A.T.E.R. Index. But alas, the Heat are missing an important piece of the puzzle.
Could the full-strength Heat realistically beat the Celtics? Probably not, but people said the same thing last time. Without Jimmy Butler, this matchup loses its edge. Jimmy’s tenacity and sheer embodiment of Heat Culture brings a certain venom that cannot be replicated or duplicated. Without that toxic energy from Butler to make this series competitive, it loses almost all of its edge and looks like a regular, ho-hum 1 vs. 8 matchup.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 4
Cleveland Cavaliers Vs. Orlando Magic
DING! DING! DING!
Congratulations to the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Orlando Magic, you are the most NBA TV first-round series of all time. Your prizes include: most of your playoff games being broadcast on NBA TV instead of on TNT or ESPN; everyone outside of northern Ohio and central Florida forgetting you exist and going “oh yeah, there’s a game on right now;” and if you win, you likely get a second-round matchup with the league-best Boston Celtics. So, yay?
There’s always a chance this series could get interesting on the court and with that, off the court, but as it stands now, this is a series for the true hoop heads, not banter.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 2
Milwaukee Bucks Vs. Indiana Pacers
There isn’t a ton of postseason history between these teams, but the 2023-24 regular season provided enough beef to last a lifetime. People could make the argument that the animosity technically started during the in-season tournament semifinals when Tyrese Haliburton did Damian Lillard’s “Dame Time” celebration against Milwakuee, but it really tipped off in earnest a week later.
The tale goes like this: Giannis Antetokounmpo scored a career-high 64 points in a 140-126 Bucks victory and wanted the game ball to commemorate a historic achievement, except that the Pacers allegedly stole the ball to give it to rookie Oscar Tshiebwe as a keepsake for scoring his first NBA points. Antetokounmpo and Haliburton had a very intense discussion on the court about it, which was reportedly followed by Giannis and a few other Bucks attempting to storm the Pacers locker room and demand the ball.
Basketball players, they are just as petty and vindictive as us!
Back to ball, though, the Pacers have had the Bucks’ number all year and it couldn’t be easier for them, with Giannis potentially out for this series. It could be an absolutely torrid summer for Bucks fans if they pull this one out, especially when you remember how last season ended.
And we haven’t even mentioned Doc Rivers.
Oh yeah, this will be a banger.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 9
New York Knicks Vs. Philadelphia 76ers
The no. 2 seed in the East came down to the final day of the regular season and the Knicks pulled it out in overtime. Jalen Brunson has proved himself as a true lead option with an MVP-caliber season. The Sixers, on the other hand, are coming in with their best player still playing his way into game shape. Joel Embiid delivered in the fourth quarter against the Heat in the 7 vs. 8 play-in game, but this matchup isn’t about Jalen Brunson vs. Joel Embiid.
This is the Sean Fennessey vs. Chris Ryan series.
One half of The Big Pic vs. one half of The Watch.
The Fennessey Fam vs. CR Army.
No matter how the series goes, one of these fan bases is going to be catatonic after their team disappoints in the postseason yet again, and that’s ripe for negativity. And good podcasting. Let’s get it.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 8
If the Pelicans win on Friday: Oklahoma City Thunder Vs. New Orleans Pelicans
Another matchup that’s likely ruined due to injury.
After losing Zion to injury and Tuesday’s play-in game to the Lakers, the Pelicans find themselves in a perilous position. Beating the Kings and making it into the playoffs as an eighth seed is technically a success, but with how everything is shaking out, there’s a strong chance that the season will end quickly come playoff time. The Thunder, on the other side, are the surprise team of the season, taking an even bigger leap than anyone could have expected, to the point that they’re poised to be a problem in the West for a long time. The road team won every matchup this year, which is interesting, but it’s the only thing of note for this matchup. It would be quiet when it comes to bantz.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 2
Dallas Mavericks Vs. Los Angeles Clippers
This playoff matchup has serious venom that goes all the way back to the bubble. Luka pulled off the first of many ridiculous playoff moments with his stepback game-winner in Game 4 of the first round, but ultimately the Clippers came out on top in that series (only to blow a 3-1 lead in their next playoff matchup). Then the next year, the Mavs had a chance to avenge their postseason loss and advance past the first round, but Kawhi Leonard went on the road and had arguably his best game as a Clipper, scoring 45 points to stave off elimination, and the Clippers would ultimately win the seventh game. In the trilogy matchup now, while the main players are the same, the supporting roles have changed. Luka is flanked by possibly the most complete roster he’s ever had, led by superstar Kyrie Irving, capable shooters Tim Hardaway Jr., Josh Green, and Dante Exum (!!!), and sparky big men acquired via trade in P.J. Washington and Daniel Gafford. On the Clippers side, Kawhi and Paul George have enlisted future Hall of Famers Russell Westbrook and James Harden to their cause, so yeah, this is one of the prime matchups if you are a true hater.
For the Mavericks, whether it’s right or wrong, this is the point of Luka’s career when people sit around and start to ask questions like “Can he really lead a team to a ring?” (the answer is obviously yes, duh), but that may be the worst of the discourse for Dallas. It is a COMPLETELY different story for the Clippers. The franchise went to its first Western Conference finals in 2021, but has yet to wash the Clipper stank off the team. Kawhi’s legacy as a playoff performer is cemented, but Paul George still has to fight off the “Playoff P” jokes even after the conference finals run. Teams are leaving Russell Westbrook (maybe the most hated-upon athlete of our generation) open for a reason, and there isn’t enough time in the day to go into James Harden’s reputation as a choke artist in big playoff games.
This series always has produced great fireworks and great angst, but the potential content that could be created if the Clippers end their tenure in downtown L.A. by losing to Luka in the first round? Or if the Mavericks go out sad to the Clippers for the third time in five seasons? The hater energy will be impossibly high. Let’s just hope we find a reason to use this clip over and over and over again.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 9
Minnesota Timberwolves Vs. Phoenix Suns
Between the poster dunks and bulletin-board quotes, Anthony Edwards has separated himself as one of the most entertaining and enthralling superstars in the league today. Only the most dedicated of haters could find a way to hate on him.
The rest of the players in this matchup, however …
Let’s start with Ant’s teammates. Rudy Gobert is probably going to win his fourth Defensive Player of the Year award this spring, but as good as he is at deterring drives to the rim, he’s just as good at deterring anyone from liking him (maybe for good reason). Karl-Anthony Towns has long been maligned for his postseason performances as well, and with potential Sixth Man of the Year Naz Reid playing as well as he has this year, folks have been wondering whether the Wolves should trade the former Kentucky big man.
As for the Suns, any time you have a so-called superteam, there are going to be detractors. When that so-called superteam also has Kevin Durant, the smoke could be biblical. Add Devin Don’t Double-Team Me Booker, Bradley Beal and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad contract, and everyone’s favorite player Grayson Allen, who LED THE LEAGUE IN 3-POINT SHOOTING by the way, and you have a spicy recipe for hate.
With all those player agendas in play and both the Wolves and Suns fan bases believing they can win this series, this matchup is ripe for real hater energy.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 8
Denver Nuggets Vs. Los Angeles Lakers
Let’s just quickly recap the past year and change of this so-called rivalry, shall we?
- The Nuggets and Lakers meet in the 2023 Western Conference finals.
- The Nuggets squeeze by the Lakers in Game 1.
- The Nuggets’ head coach, Michael Malone, becomes upset with the coverage of said game.
- The Nuggets go on to sweep the Lakers and win the NBA championship.
- The Nuggets go to their title parade and troll the Lakers at every opportunity.
- The Nuggets beat the Lakers in the 2023-24 season opener, which is also ring night.
- The Nuggets beat the Lakers in the Kobe statue dedication game.
- The Nuggets beat the Lakers in the game during which LeBron scored his 40,000th point.
And despite all of that, Darvin Ham still says that the Lakers are “comfortable” going into the postseason rematch.
This is as good as it gets folks.
H.A.T.E.R. Index rating: 10
