The time has come to put your affairs in order. The time has come to make amends to those whom you have wronged. Do you have unfinished business? Now is the time to wrap it up. Do you keep putting off your final decision on whether to see Barbie before Oppenheimer or vice versa? Now is the moment to look into your soul.
Why? Because the World Cup is once again upon us. The 2023 FIFA Women’s World Cup kicks off on Thursday in Auckland, New Zealand. The last time we had a World Cup—that would be the men’s edition, way back in 2022—the final nearly caused a billion or so people to phase up to a higher plane of existence. You cannot approach any new World Cup lightly. You start out thinking, “Oh, this might be a fun thing to follow for a few weeks.” The next thing you know it’s the middle of the night and you’re running through the streets, your face streaked with tears, your clothing tattered, your throat producing sounds that suggest you’ve been using Duolingo to teach yourself Vampire Bat.
Honestly, good for you—learning is a lifelong process.
Maybe you’re a passionate women’s soccer fan who can quote Marta’s World Cup goal tally standing on your head (17, most all time in men’s or women’s World Cups; she’s playing again this year, somehow, at the age of 37). Maybe you’re someone who just tunes in for the big moments. Either way, you could probably use a quick catch-up before the ball starts rolling. To help you get ready for the emotional asteroid that’s about to collide with the fragile continent of all our lives, I have prepared the following brief notes.
So the Women’s World Cup is happening in New Zealand? Just there, in that relatively small and remote country? When exactly does it kick off?
It’s actually happening in New Zealand and Australia. It kicks off on Thursday at 7 p.m. Auckland time.
What does “Thursday at 7 p.m. Auckland time” mean in the United States?
I don’t want to tell you.
OK, but be serious. What time?
I am being serious. I’m afraid to tell you because the answer is so, so terrible.
Say it, coward.
OK, fine. 7 p.m. in Auckland is 3 a.m. in New York.
I’m sorry … the tournament kicks off at 3 a.m.? What the fuck.
I know. Look, I know. The math is absolutely hostile. If you live in California, you are 19 hours behind New Zealand time. I look at the World Cup match schedule and I can’t even convert it to anything that applies to my own geography. My brain is like: “4 p.m. in Sydney … let’s see … carry the one … so that’s ἄθ:q的 in Pennsylvania? Cool!”
So when do the Americans play their first match? Are we initiating full-on Sunrise Protocol?
Sunrise Protocol—the official name, which I just made up, for watching a sporting event that begins in the dark and ends after the sun comes up—may well be initiated before this tournament is over. But the news for watching Team USA is actually pretty good! Our first match, against Vietnam, kicks off on Friday night at 9 p.m. ET. 9 p.m. is nothing. 9 p.m. is a Western Conference pregame show during the NBA regular season. It’ll be like watching a Suns-Clippers game, with the added bonus that Kevin Durant, a noted investor in women’s soccer, will be available to tweet through it.
Is the USWNT still good?
Oh my, yes.
Like, how good?
Top-ranked team in the world good. Currently going for their third straight World Cup title good.
So is this going to be one of those situations where we win all our group games 8-0 and it doesn’t get interesting till the knockout rounds?
Well … you never want to say a team with Alex Morgan and Megan Rapinoe couldn’t win some games 8-0, but maybe not, actually. For one thing, the Americans are dealing with some injury issues (more on this in a bit). For another, one of the big keywords heading into the tournament is “parity.” The meteoric rise of women’s professional soccer over the past few years has led to a heightened level of investment around the world, which means some of the wild David-versus-Goliath dynamics we’ve seen in past tournaments could look a little more like Goliath versus Goliath, or at least Goliath versus a David who bought a workout app and got kinda jacked.
Give me one piece of evidence supporting this new “the 7-0, 8-0 games might be gone” theory.
USWNT coach Vlatko Andonovski recently told the press, “The 7-0, 8-0 games are gone.”
Hm … checks out.
Also, Germany, which is the second-ranked team on earth, recently played a World Cup warm-up match against Zambia, which is … not the second-ranked team on earth. (They’re 77th, the lowest-ranked team to qualify for the World Cup.) Zambia won, 3-2.
OK, so who else is in this uncomfortably (from the perspective of American fans) but also delightfully (from the perspective of people who like fun) wide-open tournament?
A bunch of people! The Women’s World Cup started as a 12-team tournament in 1991. It expanded to 16 teams in 1999 and to 24 teams in 2015. The 2023 edition of the tournament will be the first to include 32 teams. Apparently the Women’s World Cup doubles in size every 24 years, like Al Pacino’s ego.
We’ve got eight teams making their first World Cup appearance: Vietnam (Team USA’s first opponent), Ireland, Zambia (fresh off the Germany upset), Haiti, Morocco, the Philippines, Portugal, and Panama. We’ve got every past champion in the draw: USA (four titles), Germany (two), Norway (one), and Japan (one).
Here’s the full list, with each team’s current world ranking:
- Norway (12), Switzerland (20), New Zealand (26), and Philippines (46) in Group A
- Canada (7), Australia (10), Ireland (22), and Nigeria (40) in Group B
- Spain (6), Japan (11), Costa Rica (36), and Zambia (77) in Group C
- England (4), China (14), Denmark (13), and Haiti (53) in Group D
- USA (1), Netherlands (9), Portugal (21), and Vietnam (32) in Group E
- France (5), Brazil (8), Jamaica (43), and Panama (52) in Group F
- Sweden (3), Italy (16), Argentina (28), and South Africa (54) in Group G
- Germany (2), South Korea (17), Colombia (25), and Morocco (72) in Group H
And who’s gonna win?
Look, I can’t see the future. When it comes to Australian time zones, I can barely see the present. But here are four squads to keep a close eye on.
England: Won Euro 2022. It actually came home! Lucky to be in a fairly easy group Down Under, if you accept the prevailing theory that China is a little overrated. (China has not won in seven straight games against teams that qualified for the tournament, so it’s an easy theory to accept.) Rachel Daly scored 22 goals for Aston Villa in Women’s Super League play this year, tying the scoring record and winning the Golden Boot. Keira Walsh, the team’s defensive anchor, is the kind of player you’d trust to land a plane in an emergency. On the flipside, England will be playing without Leah Williamson, their captain (knee injury); Euro 2022 Golden Boot winner Beth Mead (knee injury); and star midfielder Fran Kirby (knee injury). The Lionesses have struggled in their recent matches, too. They have the talent to make a deep run, but the vibes are not quite 100 percent (knee injury).
Germany: Maybe the most slept-on team of the summer. Almost won Euro 2022. Beat the USWNT in November. At 21, the star defensive midfielder Lena Oberdorf is not all that far removed from playing on (and captaining) boys’ teams at the youth level. Lena Oberdorf will put you on the ground. She might put you in the ground. As a sportswriter, you never want to engage in national stereotyping, but there’s a quiet, powerful, well-engineered quality to this Germany team that suggests a smooth ride to the final. I’m not comparing them to a luxury car, because again, that would be lazy, but I wouldn’t complain if Jon Hamm wanted to do color commentary for their matches. He could call their passing “truly best in class.”
Spain: Back in September, 15 Spanish players—15!—resigned from the team, saying that manager Jorge Vilda’s coaching was having a negative impact on their physical and mental health. You might think this move would spell the end for Vilda, especially considering that the group included some of the best players in the world, but nope. Vilda’s still the manager of Spain, three of the players who resigned have come back into the fold, and the squad looks profoundly and justifiably unsettled. It also looks absolutely stacked with talent. Barcelona’s Aitana Bonmatí, one of the players who returned after resigning, is the reigning UEFA Champions League Player of the Season. And she isn’t even the best player on the team, because Spain also boasts Alexia Putellas, also of Barcelona, a two-time Ballon D’Or winner and—all respect to Sam Kerr—probably the biggest star in women’s soccer right now. Do yourself a favor and take a second to watch her in action. It’s just pure nonsense. Levels of talent verging on the cartoonish.
Putellas has been sidelined with—yikes!—a knee injury for much of the past season. Her level of fitness for the tournament will be one of the biggest questions around the team, but then, everything with Spain feels like a pretty big question right now.
The United States of America: I mean, yeah. Even if you don’t follow women’s soccer, you probably know that Megan Rapinoe has announced she’s retiring at the end of this NWSL season. Do you really want to bet against Megan Rapinoe’s sense of occasion? Injuries have made this an extremely young team in some key areas, but there’s plenty of veteran leadership on hand, and young doesn’t always mean shaky. Sometimes young just means faster and less tired. The audacious American striker Sophia Smith is 22; I heard a rumor that she was once briefly afraid of something, but I was unable to confirm it before press time.
Are we dealing with some injuries? Yeah. We are. Team captain Becky Sauerbrunn is out. Midfielders Catarina Macario and Rose Lavelle are out (Lavelle might be ready for the knockout rounds). Striker Mallory Swanson: out. But the impact of injuries is as much about who comes on as about who goes off, and the USWNT doesn’t have any obvious need to panic. Trinity Rodman—who, yes, is Dennis’s daughter—was born in 2002. I am the world’s most anxious sports fan, and if she ends up with the ball at her feet in a crucial moment, I will feel absolutely fine.
Hang on, Dennis Rodman’s daughter is on the USWNT???
Yes. Don’t make a big thing about it. They’re not close. Trinity’s a star in her own right.
OK, can we please get to the part where we rank all the teams based on their nicknames?
I’m glad you asked. Here’s how this breaks down.
Tier 8. No Official Nickname. What Is Wrong With You?
32. Canada — [none]
Tier 7. The Fact-Checkers’ Tier: National Team Nicknames That Are Basically “National Team”
31. Costa Rica — The Selection
30. Germany — The National Eleven
29. Switzerland — La Nati (as in -onal team)
28. Portugal — The Selection of the Quinas (basically, “the team of the national symbol of Portugal,” whatever)
27. Philippines — Filipinas
Tier 6. Just Some Colors, No Big Whoop
26. France — The Blues
26 (tie). Italy — The Blues
24. Denmark — The Red and White
23. Sweden — The Blue and Yellow
22. Argentina — The White and Sky Blues
Tier 5. Cute, Yet Perhaps Somehow Problematic
21. Brazil — The Female Canaries
20. Colombia — The Powerpuff Girls
19. Japan — Nadeshiko Japan (“nadeshiko” is the name of a flower and also a term suggesting “the personification of an idealized Japanese woman”; I’m assuming this is similar to naming the U.S. Men’s National Team “The Dwayne Johnsons”)
18. Panama — The Canal Girls
Tier 4. [Shrugging] Sure
17. Spain — The Dreamers
16. United States — The Stars and Stripes (technically the USWNT has no official nickname, but as a patriot, I cannot accept this; I must protest; I must be the change I want to see in the world)
Tier 3. Cutesy, Yet Also Somehow Dope
15. Netherlands — The Orange Lionesses
14. China — The Steel Roses
13. Ireland — The Girls in Green
12. Australia — The Matildas
11. Jamaica — Reggae Girlz
Tier 2. Quite Good Nicknames IMO
10. England — The Lionesses (basic, but idk, it really works)
9. Haiti — Les Grenadières
8. Zambia — The Copper Queens
7. South Africa — Banyana Banyana (Girls Girls)
6. New Zealand — Football Ferns
Tier 1. Goddess Tier
5. Vietnam — The Golden Star Warriors
4. Norway — The Grasshoppers
3. Korea Republic — Taegeuk Ladies (Taegeuk—I’m quoting a taekwondo website—“refers to the ultimate reality from which all things and values are derived.” It’s also the symbol at the center of the South Korean flag.)
2. Morocco — The Atlas Lionesses
1. Nigeria — The Super Falcons
So Nigeria wins the World Cup of nicknames.
Yes. And I don’t feel like it’s particularly close. Although obviously if the Indomitable Lionesses of Cameroon had qualified for the tournament, the Super Falcons would be looking at a whole different ball game.
What would you show someone to get them excited about the World Cup in five minutes or less?
This video of five-time African Women’s Footballer of the Year Asisat Oshoala training in Lagos, Nigeria, a few years ago. I love this video. I like it more than any training montage from any sports movie I’ve ever seen.
Maybe it’s weird that I like this so much. After all, it’s not very dramatic compared to a typical sports-movie training montage. It’s not glamorous. There’s no heroic Rocky IV–style scaling of mountain peaks, no loud brass fanfares, no moments of triumphant exaltation. Oshoala is one of the best players in the world. She plays for Barcelona. She was shortlisted for the Ballon d’Or. But here she’s just doing a routine workout, alone but for a couple of coaches, on a dusty playing field. It’s raining. The workout looks tough, but not in a way that suggests mighty challenges being overcome. It’s routine-tough. It’s maybe a little boring. When you’re doing something extremely hard—say, training to be a Navy SEAL—the difficulty itself at least absorbs your attention, but Oshoala’s workout lacks even the allure of facing a tortuous challenge. You watch this and think, if I were the one running those slaloms in the rain, every atom in my body would rather be doing almost anything else.
And that’s what I love about it. Because this, more than any stirring movie scene, is a window into what it really takes to be that good at something. You have to be ready to fight dragons, sure, but most days you’re not doing anything nearly so exciting and adrenaline-fueled. Most days, you just show up and endure it. You show up and do your taxes. You do your taxes four, five, six, seven hours a day. You motivate yourself. You pay attention to all the little things. There’s no crowd hanging on your every move during some random training session, especially in women’s soccer, where the level of day-to-day attention is still so much lower than in men’s. No reporters are waiting to interview you afterward. When you’re training by yourself like this, it might even feel like no one cares at all. But you have to care. You have to keep caring, keep putting yourself through it, because that way, if you’re lucky, a dragon will eventually show up, and you will be ready to do this.
Did I really complain, earlier in this article, about having to watch matches at 3 in the morning? See, this is what the World Cup does to you. You start out thinking, “This’ll be entertaining, but I gotta get my rest.” And by the end, you’re thinking you’ll never need sleep again.
