You might have heard that Drake is no longer hiding a child. Great! Surely this is a sign that our guy is ready to take an active role in his son’s life, and offer the kind of fatherly nurturing that little Adonis deserv—sorry, what’s that?
On Wednesday, Architectural Digest released a fawning spread of Drake’s Toronto abode. I use “abode” because “nightmare collection of sharp edges” is a little wordy; the house, devised by designer Ferris Rafauli, seems to mostly feature glass, marble, gold, and jagged edges. Every item in the home looks like something you would grab to smash a villain over the head with; I think we can assume that Drake has probably not anchored his dresser to the wall for safety. Approximately the only place in the building that looks remotely safe for a child is the basketball court, which has plenty of its own issues, which we will get to in time. Best of luck to Adonis, and my condolences to all of the people who will stub a toe in this place in the coming years.
The house has a lot of what you might expect of the custom dwelling of a very rich musician. A 10-car garage! A screening room! A recording studio! Elaborate Grammy displays! A master suite that is nearly four times the size of my entire home! But it also has a lot of … strange things. Things about which a reasonable person might have some questions. With that, let us explore Chez Drake.
1. First: Did you think I was kidding about everything in the house looking like a weapon?
2. There, uh, aren’t earthquakes in Toronto, are there? (Hm.)
3. Why are these door handles at the height of the nearby KAWS sculptures?
4. We learn that Drake has dubbed his house “the Embassy.” This would suggest that it is a landholding of a nation other than Canada. Is that nation the United States?
5. Has Drake become his own sovereign state? (He has named one of his other homes “the YOLO Estate,” so it could be worse.)
6. In October, TMZ published footage of the home’s “singing toilet.” I don’t have a question, I just thought you should know.
7. Wait, wait, wait—is the bathroom door … transparent?
8. Does Roger Federer know about Ferris Rafauli’s logo?
9. Will it be weird for the NBA players that Drake is friends (“friends”?) with to walk through his shrine to them?
10. On to the basketball court. Setting aside the fact that the on-court sofa looks uncomfortably shallow and that basketball players are, generally, taller than non–basketball players, and thus require even more space: Has Drake thought through the decision to make the thing that very sweaty people sit on out of velvet?
11. The sanctuary—from what?
12. Welcome to the recording studio. Please make yourself at home on Drake’s sex pillow.
13. Drake’s previous Toronto residence—an apartment inside of the Ritz, because sure—featured a neon sign that said “LESS DRAKE MORE TUPAC.” Where is it now?
14. Next question: what?
15. Geodes? Of course: geodes.
16.
17. The apparently Devs-themed “studio lounge” features a collection of action figures. Among those identifiable: multiple Shaqs, Steph Curry, Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Bruce Lee, Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker, Jared Leto’s Joker, Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn, Deadpool, the Incredible Hulk, and … the Men in Black?
18. Drake’s bedroom features no fewer than three couches, two of which are located behind the bed in opposing corners. What exact scenario is Drake envisioning?
19. All right, man, seriously—what is up with the Birkin bag collection?
