37 Pressing Questions About Harry and Meghan’s Royal Family Exit
Megxit is here, and there’s a lot we need to know. Like: Did the queen know what Instagram was before Wednesday morning?
The Megxit is upon us. On Wednesday morning, with all the casualness of a “dry January” pledge, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex announced that they were quitting the royal family. “After many months of reflection and internal discussions, we have chosen to make a transition this year in starting to carve out a progressive new role within this institution,” read a post on their joint Instagram account—which is definitely run by some sort of social media manager paid by the royal family. “We intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family and work to become financially independent, while continuing to fully support Her Majesty The Queen.”
You, a person who lives in the world and has to do a job far more complicated than having diplomatic dinners and parade-waving, are probably thinking: Why should I care? Well, guess what. HARRY IS THINKING THE SAME THING. This is a big deal precisely because Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, is Bartleby-ing the QUEEN. Not since King Edward VIII (a.k.a. Prince Edward, a.k.a. the Duke of Windsor) stepped down to pursue a romance with [clutches 18th-century heirloom pearls] an American has there been such an apathetic member of the royal family! And to make matters juicier, two hours after the couple put out that statement, the palace replied with a news release of its own, which read—AND I QUOTE—“Discussions with The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are at an early stage. We understand their desire to take a different approach, but these are complicated issues that will take time to work through.” An early report suggested that the queen was not informed of their plans to drop out before the aforementioned Instagram post. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS:
1. IN THIS ECONOMY?
2. How long was this in the works?
3. Did they know in March when they announced they were moving out of Kensington Palace?
4. How much weed did Harry have to smoke to reach this decision?
5. What kind of weed does a royal smoke?
6. Is it like a light Dosist pen or some kind of gummy situation?
7. Maybe it was shrooms? It was probably shrooms.
8. What was the queen’s expression when she saw Harry and Meghan’s Instagram post?
9. How many times has the queen rung her little bell thing since the Instagram post went live?
10. Did the queen know what Instagram was before Wednesday morning?
11. Does Philip know who Meghan is?
12. Has anyone seen the ghosts of Edward and Wallis lately, and if so, what’s their take?
13. What does “financially independent” even mean for a duke and duchess?
14. Are there job equivalents in the private sector to duke and duchess?
15. Harry majored in geography, knows how to fly a helicopter, loves polo, and has a full head of hair—is there a profession that requires these skills?
16. How much will therapy cost when Harry inevitably needs to discuss being the token royal of his workplace?
17. Is Meghan going back to acting in procedural dramas?
18. What if part of the plan to become “financially independent” is for Meghan to play HERSELF in Season 6 of The Crown?!
19. Related: taxes?
20. Where will they live?
21. Who gets Kensington Palace now?
22. Are they going to just, like, move into a sensible condo??
23. Is that sensible condo going to be in L.A.?
24. Are Meghan and Harry going to be my neighbors?
25. What kind of neighbors are Meghan and Harry?
26. Like, would they invite me over to chill and hit the Dosist, or nah?
27. Alternate theory: Were Meghan and Harry trying to tell us something when they visited something called Canada House on Tuesday?
28. When they were looking at that not great art, were they thinking: “Tomorrow we’re free”?
29. Do you need bodyguards in Canada or are fans just really polite?
30. Can they be charged with crimes now?
31. Is the royal family going to discontinue the line of tea accessories with their faces on them, and if so, does that mean they will have a sale on said accessories?
32. Will Meghan have to paint her own nails now?
33. Does she get to use Instagram again?
34. Did Kate and William know?
35. If so, when Meghan and Harry told them, did Kate hug Meghan and covertly whisper in her ear: “Take me with you”?
36. What’s grandma’s next move?
37. Will I ever be the same again?
While I was palpitating over this news, my dear colleagues Juliet Litman and Amanda Dobbins were attempting to answer some of these absolutely pressing questions. Check out their Megxit episode of Jam Session here.