In Which We Try to Help Drake Troll the Warriors
The most amazing subplot of the NBA postseason has been the evolution of Drake from Raptors superfan to Superfan-as-Supertroll. And after a hands-on performance against Milwaukee, the 6 God is in full flight against Golden State. But there’s always room for improvement, and we have some suggestions.
It’s not often that I find myself before a rap legend. Sure, one time I saw Wale playing basketball at my LA Fitness in Hollywood. His stroke had a little Kevin Martin to it, but he was fine, otherwise. Looked like a liability on defense, but who isn’t at 5-foot-10? I also made eye contact with Waka Flocka Flame at a concert once. We even had a conversation. Like, telepathically. I was all, “Why am I at Waka Flocka Flame concert?” And he replied, “Because you’re going to use this in an article one day.” Not many people can say that. But to be in the same room as an actual rap legend like you, Drake. I mean, thanks, dude, for calling this meeting.
So let’s get to why you’ve brought me here: trolling Golden State. Game 2. Warriors-Raptors. First of all, congrats on the win! Wearing a Dell Curry Raptors jersey was [chef’s kiss] so clever. Loved the post afterwards, too. Let me get that on the projector…
There we go. Hilarious! Again, super honored to be part of this writers room. The Mallory Edens profile pic? Killer. I mean, I’ve always been a fan. I was in the building for All-Star Weekend in 2014. When you threw that assist to Terrence Ross for the dunk? Still have it on VHS somewhere. Did you know they don’t make TVs with built-in VHS anymore? Still rolling with my 2005 20-inch. I was like, keep it, Best Buy. I have All-Star dunk contests to watch. Idiots. Anyway, I have a ton of ideas for Game 2. Gah! I’m shaking. OK, here goes. A list of ways Drake can troll the Warriors:
1. Wear another team’s jersey
As Masai used to say, run it back! The Dell jersey was a smashing success. Smashing. Now there are a couple possibilities with this option. You could go recent history: Wear a Patrick McCaw Warriors jersey. Pros: Still hurts! Cons: Would have to wear a Warriors jersey. Let’s rule that one out. OK, second: Wear a Kevin Durant Knicks jersey. Let’s take it to the future, baby. Did you know you can just customize whatever name onto whichever jersey? Those folks in DC did it a couple summers ago. If the next-day shipping isn’t an option, just ask Kevin for one of his Durant Knicks jerseys. You guys are cool, right? (I saw your Instagram from last year wearing his number on snake print. It’s like, supportive and unsupportive at the same time. I ordered three after I saw that post, two in my regular size and one a size larger in case I hit the weight room this summer. You get it.)
Then again, you’d be wearing a Knicks jersey. So here’s the compromise: a special-ordered Raptors jersey. The back? “@QuireSultan.”
2. Make a dick joke
Ball is life. Couple of paths to take. One: Wear a cup courtside to show you’re about that action. Always ready to go. This covers two things essential to being one Drizzy Drake: Draw attention to yourself, and draw attention to your dick. Two birds with one stone if [clapping emoji] you [clapping emoji] know [clapping emoji] what [clapping emoji] I [clapping emoji] mean.
Second path: Superimpose a picture of Draymond Green’s dick pic on something like a t-shirt or hat. Ill-advised for a couple reasons: You’d either be wearing another man’s dick on your person—huge fan here; I know how you feel about other men being in the picture—or you’d be feeding your own addiction. Sorry to even bring it up, my guy.
3. Smash a toaster courtside
An attention grabber! This is a reference to the Warriors toaster run in 2016-17. You remember that season, right? The one where you wore a Kevin Durant jersey to open the Bay Area stop for the Summer Sixteen tour? So anyway, that March, Klay signs this toaster at a fan event. It was weird. Even Klay thought it was weird. But then the craziest thing happened. The Dubs went 31-2 after Klay signed the toaster. They won the 2017 title. The toaster is a thing.
I don’t think there are any outlets courtside. I called Scotiabank Arena like, 23 times, and they never called back. So the safest bet is to just take a toaster above your head and smash it on the hardwood. Probably would get the most eyes during a timeout. And that guy in the suit—you’re friends with him, right? The dude in the glasses who’s always standing? He wears the “NN” hat? I saw you rubbing his shoulders a couple games back—he could just clean it up after.
4. Bring a special guest
Originally, I thought you should try to bring the entire 2016 Cavaliers roster. Besides, I couldn’t get ahold of Mozgov, and you’ll never guess what Joe Harris is up to these days! The cheaper alternative is bringing just LeBron, though I’d hate to accidentally cause some love-fandom-triangle tension between the Raptors (who you’re a fan of), the Warriors (who you’re selectively a fan of), and LeBron (who you’re a fan of). Much like you, I hate drama. Drama, guilt, relationship troubles. Not for us! You said it best: “Petty bullshit shouldn’t excite you.”
With that in mind, the best option here is this: invite Harrison Barnes. No one makes the Warriors lose like Harry. He wouldn’t get star-struck, either. Been to the playoffs a time or two, that guy. (I actually had to check that you didn’t have his name or number tattooed on your body, like you do Steph and KD. Can you imagine how embarrassed I would be, not knowing each and every basketball player that a grown man has tattooed onto himself?)
5. Drop a remix of Smash Mouth’s “All-Star”
It’s no secret that the band Smash Mouth (big Warriors guys) came for you. It doesn’t matter that this was tweeted last series:
It’s Smash Mouth. They start coming and they don’t stop coming. Didn’t you see what they tweeted after Game 1?
You’ve seen a couple rap beefs in your day. Won some, lost some, was bodied in some. I feel like I have to warn you personally that doing this—rapping over the “All-Star” instrumental, trying to find words that could possibly replace “it’s a cool place and they say it gets colder”—won’t be like anything you’ve faced before. It’s kind of like the Raptors making the finals. You’ll going where no Canadian’s been before.