Since the beginning of the MCU, Chris Evans’s Captain America has brought the world together in the name of justice, loyalty, patriotism, and most importantly, one singularly exceptional butt.
Odes have been written to it. Posters have been dedicated to it. Countless GIFs litter the internet. Chris Evans’s coworkers and peers have spoken on it, often with great reverence. And now, thanks to the absurdly thorough fan service of Avengers: Endgame, Steve Rogers’s ass has received the fully canonical credit it deserves.
During one of the film’s many time-travel sequences, Tony Stark hides in Stark Tower, watching the original Avengers squad deal with Loki and his recovered scepter. He has a frankly enviable view of the group’s backsides in this moment, which leads to an exchange about Steve’s dignified derriere. “Mr. Rogers, that old suit design did nothing for your ass,” he tells Steve via headset. Scott Lang, Ant-Man of the people, disagrees. “You look great, Cap,” he says, speaking for us all. “As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass.”
The bit pays off even further a few scenes later, when Cap KOs his past self (just go with it) and stands over his prone body. “That is America’s ass,” he declares, before kicking his own 2023 model into high gear and striding off-screen.
A bold claim by anyone’s standards, even genetically perfect superheroes! While such an assertion has been bolstered by years of positive reinforcement, in this moment it still feels worth asking: Is it, in fact, “America’s ass”? By which I mean, is Steve Rogers’s butt the butt that best represents the U.S. of A? Are his cheeks the cheeks we citizens of this great republic hold most dear to our hearts? It’s time to channel our inner Tina Belchers and investigate this statement by bringing together all potential challengers and administering a process of elimination. Who else deserves a spot in the Historic Ass Hall of Fame? An extremely scientific team of ass experts (read: me) have narrowed the pool down to the following contenders: Steve Rogers, Thor, Beyoncé, Alexander Hamilton, Kim Kardashian, Pippa Middleton, Tom Cruise, and Superman. We’ll ask a few prodding questions about each of these contestants in an effort to answer the most important question of them all: Is it America’s ass? Avengers, ass-emble!
Question 1: Do they got a booty?
Yes. They all do.
The Remaining Pool: Steve Rogers, Thor, Beyoncé, Alexander Hamilton, Kim Kardashian, Pippa Middleton, Tom Cruise, Superman
Question 2: Is the ass American?
No matter how culturally or historically significant these posteriors may be, this is not a battle for the title of Universe’s Ass, or Earth’s Ass, or Europe’s Ass. Nay, this one is strictly for the red, white, and blue. Therefore, we must bid adieu to a number of otherwise impressive options.
First off, apologies to Pippa Middleton, but you were just here for the memes. Way to keep that thing tight, though, girl. Hat’s off—or on, or whatever British high society demands for this current situation.
Next to go: the rest of the superhero contingent. Earning his brief but important spot on this list, Chris Hemsworth’s recent encounter with a quokka made for a compelling argument on his butt’s behalf. Observe:
But alas! Neither Chris Hemsworth nor Thor is American, so we cannot lay claim to his butt. The same is true for Henry Cavill’s Superman. Tough breaks for the best of international booty, but only America’s finest can move on here.
The Remaining Pool: Steve Rogers, Beyoncé, Alexander Hamilton, Kim Kardashian, Tom Cruise
Question 3: Has said American ass contributed in some way to the well-being and protection of planet Earth?
According to my varied Google searches for “most famous butts,” “most important butts,” “best butts of all time,” and “historical figures with junk in the trunk” (remind me to erase my search history), Kim Kardashian has the single most famous butt in the known universe. In the butt-related segment of the world wide web, she is—as Thanos would say—inevitable. But unlike the rest of the butts on this list, she has never really put that rear into gear for the betterment of mankind.
Just compare her to everyone else left. Steve Rogers obviously put that thang to work. Alexander Hamilton sat that ass down and “wrote the other 51.” Tom Cruise’s ass has saved the world in many, many movies. And as for Beyoncé … well, she doesn’t have to do anything more than this:
I, for one, have never felt safer.
The Remaining Pool: Steve Rogers, Beyoncé, Alexander Hamilton, Tom Cruise
Question 4: Is the ass a defining element of their personal brand?
As far as American founding fathers go, Alexander Hamilton definitely has the most BAE (Big Ass Energy). (No, that’s not a thing; I’m sorry for even typing it.) But even if Lin-Manuel Miranda can back it up, there’s no real historical evidence supporting Alexander’s spot on this list. Sure, we may not have an America without him, but at the moment, I care less about patriotic cuts and more about patriotic butts.
The Remaining Pool: Steve Rogers, Beyoncé, Tom Cruise
Question 5: Is the ass definitely, and without question, legit?
I know what you’re thinking: Technically, Steve Rogers’s ass is not au natural. It was not granted to him at birth, by God herself. Can it count as a real butt?
Yes, I say! Please remember: In Captain America: The First Avenger, Steve’s butt was molded by the careful, fastidious hands of Stanley Tucci, who I posit is as close to God as we have on this earth. Besides, whether or not Steve’s ass can be considered legit, Chris Evans’s certainly can. If it’s good enough for Jenny Slate, it’s good enough for me.
As for his competition, between all of the Mission: Impossible movies, Tom Cruise’s butt has done a lot of good for America at large. But in 2008’s Valkyrie, in which Cruise plays a Nazi colonel attempting to assassinate Hitler, the legitimacy of his rear end was thrown into question.
Cruise has since assured everyone that the butt seen here is, in fact, all him. But in these unsure times, rampant with padding, implants, and CGI, how can we be sure? How can we KNOW?
We can’t risk it. Not on something this important.
The Remaining Pool: Steve Rogers, Beyoncé
Question 6: Is the ass willing to do “whatever it takes” for the good of the country?
Steve Rogers has thrown that backside into countless dangerous and life-threatening environments with very little regard for his own well-being. He even crash-landed that ass into an icy almost-grave for the benefit of millions. His mantra, as seen in Endgame, is that he’ll do “whatever it takes” to ensure the safety of all mankind.
Consider: Would Beyoncé’s ass do that?
As much as this pains me to say, I think not. I think it would take some hefty compensation for Bey’s—admittedly, perfect—ass to even show up to a pre-battle meeting, let alone the actual fight. Beyoncé was reportedly paid $8 million to appear at Coachella last year. Do the non–Tony Stark Avengers even have a 401K? Captain America and his ass don’t have an appearance fee, and they’re still out here putting in the work.
Besides, there’s a good chance Beyoncé would have disappeared in the snap. If not for Captain America and that legendary butt, we could live in a world without a Beyoncé at all. If you think about it, we owe Beyoncé’s entire existence to Steve Rogers’s ass.
The Verdict: Congrats, Cap. That is, in fact, as we just proved with science, America’s ass.
