All this time we were trying to force Jay Cutler to be a great NFL quarterback when really we should have been letting him fulfill his destiny as a perfect reality TV character. Last year, on his wife Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, Very Cavallari, we met the real Jay: animal lover, sometimes-supportive husband, man whose ultimate goal in life is to do as little as possible. It was a glorious revelation—and now he’s back. Join us once again on this Jay Journey, where we’ll be discussing his highlights and lowlights and best quotes, and handing out a weekly award for Jay Cutler’s Most Jay Cutler Moment. Let’s get started.
Jay Cutler’s Still Got It
Give Jay Cutler Some TLC
A recurring theme of Season 2 of Very Cavallari has been that Kristin and Jay Cutler just have not been on the same page in their relationship. I continue to have my doubts about this being anything more than a reality TV story line—because as far as I can tell they have an admirably solid marriage—but they’re pressing it real hard, so let’s just take it at face value and react with genuine sorrow when, in this episode, Jay Cutler admits that he feels neglected by his wife. Kristin’s talking about running her business and all the things she has to prioritize when the camera cuts to Jay sitting on a couch, meekly raising his hand like a forgotten toy in Toy Story 3 (the saddest Toy Story).
“I have a husband who gets no attention,” Kristin admits, to which Jay responds, “I just hang out … clean up.”
What a sad sentence! This is something that only a lazy maid should be saying—not reality star Jay Cutler! We gotta get my guy some Tender. Loving. Care. After playing for the Miami Dolphins for less than a season, he truly deserves it.
Also, while we’re here, do the Cutlers own one of those teddy bears with the super long legs?
Is that what that is? Jay Cutler is very tuned into meme culture; I did not expect this.
Jay Cutler, Anti-Christmas
“Oh my god, now that we’re in our forever home, Jay, we can put up Christmas lights, on our house, all the time. … Yeah, we just get them hung up once and just leave them. You just don’t turn them on until after Thanksgiving.”
I would just like to say that I’m fully on board with Kristin Cavallari’s approach to Christmas lights. In every way. This is an extremely reasonable take. Putting up Christmas lights sucks and taking them down sucks even more, so why not just go through the pain once and never go through it again? Also, “after Thanksgiving”—that is the correct timing. Anyone who turns on Christmas lights before Thanksgiving should be banished from society. But you know who isn’t on board with this plan? Jay Cutler, noted hater of Christmas and practicality. Check out the faces he makes throughout all of this:
“If you think we’re leaving ’em up 365 days a year, you’re—” Jay says. He doesn’t finish his thought, but judging by his stinkface I know he wasn’t going to say “a smart person”—even though that’d be the right way to end the sentence.
“You can’t be serious right now,” Jay adds. No, Jay, you can’t be serious right now. I can’t believe the guy whose motto in life is “I’m not trying to do anything” is arguing in favor of doing extra work.
Jay Cutler’s Firework Hands
Or maybe he was doing the pew pew pew thing, it’s hard to tell. Either way, C- for effort.
The Yeti King
Jesus Christ, look at the size of this thing! Why on earth would anyone need a cup this big? Are you supposed to fill this thermos with enough soup to last you through the apocalypse? How does one even lift this? And also, how many Yeti mugs do we think Jay Cutler owns? In the triple digits? What percentage of all existing Yeti products does Jay Cutler own? More than 75 percent of their line? Is this the image you see when you look up “Southern bro” in the dictionary?
This Is Not a Drill: Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari Are Going to Cabo
Yooooooooo. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to put into words how important of a moment this is for me personally. Not only is Cabo where Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler got engaged; not only is it where Kristin and Jay take their kids for vacation every year; not only is it the location from which Kristin Cavallari broadcast Jay Cutler’s butt cheeks to the entire universe. Cabo is ground zero for the best episode of Laguna Beach, and one of the best moments in reality TV history—which prominently featured Kristin Cavallari!!!
For a deeper dive on this, go here (of course I’ve already written about the Cabo episode of Laguna Beach). But the short version is that in this episode, the kids of Laguna Beach fully mythologized Cabo (“What happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo”) and the general idea of spring break to a generation, as they boozed and fought and hooked up through the entire trip. More specifically, Stephen Colletti spent the episode calling Kristin Cavallari a slut, hurling obscenities at her from across a bar like a disgruntled Gamergater, and MTV edited the episode to depict him as the good guy? We weren’t as good at, you know, treating women like human beings in 2004. (We’re still pretty bad at it.)
The point is that Cabo is full of history, for me and for the Cavallaris. And I absolutely cannot wait until the next episode when they spend the majority of their time there. Hopefully, there’s a scene where Kristin takes Jay to the club and is like, “Oh yeah, so that’s where I was low-key slut-shamed …”
The Most Jay Cutler Moment of the Week
At the end of the episode, Kristin is looking for Jay. “Jay!” she calls out several times to no answer. And then the sound of a duck roars through the home, and Jay Cutler peeks around the corner:
“That’s so loud and aggressive,” Kristin notes, correctly.
“What do you mean? I got a new duck call,” Jay responds, as if it’s a normal thing to say.
“It’s my only duck call,” he clarifies. “Ducks don’t just fly in. You gotta call ’em in.”
A couple of things here: First of all, I’m now picturing Jay Cutler as Gordon Bombay from The Mighty Ducks, and it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Just imagine Jay Cutler in this scene:
Or Jay Cutler in D2, rollerblading around Minneapolis, blowing into a duck caller, and rounding up a bunch of kids. (Hm, sounds much weirder when you write it out.) Kristin’s been trying to get Jay Cutler to do something all season, and maybe this is it: He needs to play Emilio Estevez’s character in a Mighty Ducks reboot. Who says no?
Secondly, this “USA Certified 100% Vegan Free” T-shirt Jay Cutler’s wearing is the dopest, most ridiculously on-brand shirt he’s ever worn.
LOL meat rules, vegans drool, am I right, Jay? Hell yeah.
See you next week, when we GO TO CABO BABYYYYYY!